Posted: Sun Oct 27 2002
Mediocre Musician Survives Multiple Drug Overdoses, Suicide Attempts

Despite a month-long heroin binge and several self-inflicted gunshot wounds, pop jock-rock musician Jon "JH" Halberstein just won't die.

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Posted: Sun Sep 29 2002
Prank Caller Basks In Glory After Fooling Total Stranger

After finishing up his tenth prank call of the night, Randy Amaya sits back with a satisfied smile and those around him cackle hysterically.

This is a common sight on the set of Comedy Central's new hit show Crank Yankers, the show that has once again popularized prank calling.

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Posted: Mon Sep 2 2002
Dennis Miller Hopes To Find New Pseudo-intellectual Genre

One of HBO's most popular shows, Dennis Miller Live, has aired its final episode.

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Posted: Sun Aug 11 2002
Harrison Ford's Russian Accent Still At Large

Months after filming stopped on the set of Paramount studio's submarine thriller K-19, Harrison Ford's accent is still being sought for questioning.

Police reports allege that midway through filming of K-19, Ford's Russian accent broke free, attacked three bystanders, and ran off into downtown Los Angeles. _

Posted: Mon Jul 22 2002
CNN Viewers Look Forward To Second Season Of "War On Terror"

CNN's smash hit show "War on Terror" is back for a second season, and is aimed to dominate the market.

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Posted: Sun Jun 30 2002
Blues Singer Coughs Up Phlegm, Loses Career

Blues singer Chubby Melon, long admired for his gravely voice claimed in a press release Thursday that he is officially retiring from show business. His decision stems from a tragic cough syrup addiction that has had the effect of loosening the phlegm in his throat to the point where he coughed it up in the middle of a concert last week.

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Posted: Sun Jun 30 2002
U2 Attorney Works Pro-Bono

A press release from the aging rockers urged fans to consider the edgy content of their new CD. "We expect a lot of controversial feedback from this album. Mostly, I'll be working to refute claims such as, 'Dudes, you so suck,' or, 'Do I have to bomb a pub to get a decent song out of you guys?'" stated the band's attorney and spokesman, Nigel McAllistor, in the release. _
--Norma Kletoris

Posted: Sun Jun 30 2002
ABC Uses 'Fiction' As Basis For New TV Series

A new series set to debut this fall on ABC will feature an unusual twist: the characters never existed.

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Posted: Wed May 29 2002
Heavy Metal Fan Wishes Heavy Metal Fad Would End Already

When the current heavy metal trend began a few years ago, local heavy metal fan Tony Unga viewed it in a positive light. "I figured it would simply mean more music," explained Unga, "but now it's just getting annoying." _

Posted: Sun May 19 2002
Jurassic Park 4 In The Works
May have something to do with dinosaurs running amok

Hollywood is buzzing about a new installment in Steven Spielberg'sJurassic Park series, Jurassic Park IV. Though the script isbeing kept under wraps, rumors about the plot keep surfacing.

"I'm betting it has something to do with dinosaurs that are keptis a supposedly escape-proof area that somehow get loose and attackpeople," say Hollywood insider Jeff Daniels, "I also think a mildmannered professor will save everybody at the end". _

Posted: Sun May 19 2002
Fat Joe Channeling Notorious B.I.G.'s Appetite

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Posted: Sun Apr 14 2002
New Black Comedian Forgets To Mention He's Black

With his in-your-face style and frequent use of obscenities, up-and-coming comedian Steve Henderson is used to controversy, but a recent performace at a comedy club in Kansas City may damage his career beyond repair.

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Posted: Sun Feb 24 2002
Fox Making Reporter's Job Way To Easy

Making fun of Fox has become a perennial favorite among parody and comedy writers, but recent seasons have some comedians up in arms.



"It's like they're not even trying anymore," says local satire writer Phillip Matanka, "It used to be fun making fun of the When Animals Attack type shows, but now we've got The Glutton Bowl... It's just not even worth my time." _

Posted: Sun Feb 10 2002
Oldest Backstreet Boy Nears Retirement

The guy with the beard is due to be cycled out in late March.

Since its introduction in the early 1990s, several of the Backstreet Boys have been forcibly retired and replaced by younger, hipper members.

"We give them good homes," says Jack Salon, head of BoyBand Enterprises, "They are put out to stud on our 300-acre free range boyband farm to secure the next generation of preteen entertainment. Unfortunately, the one's that can't, or won't, breed have to put to sleep, but that is rarely necessary." _

Posted: Sun Jan 27 2002
MTV To Play 10 Consecutive Minutes Of Music

Executives at MTV have announced plans to play several"music videos" in a row, citing recent polls in whichsome viewers were not satisfied with the current scheme,which consisted of one video followed by 23 hours and57 minutes of re-runs of Real World. There has been no comment from Real World fans, as of yet. _

Posted: Mon Jan 14 2002
Fox To Unveil More Numbered Shows

Spurred on by the success of its runaway hit series "That '70s Show" and the fanfare surrounding its upcoming "That '80s Show", Fox has announced plans to develop a series for each and every decade in the last one hundred years.

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Posted: Mon Dec 31 2001
Nutcracker Banned

Hope you saw the beautiful ballet The Nutcracker this Christmas season. If not, you may never get the chance. The Nutcracker has fallen victim to the Hate Crimes Commission, who recently banned all movie and show rights, effective 1/1/02. Although the ballet is relatively tame (or lame, depending on your viewpoint), the Commission felt the title could be offensive and could induce women's rights groups into hate crimes against men. The 8-member, all male commission released the following statement: “Nutcracker? That's horrible! Why give those damn crazy women any ideas?” In a related story, Martha Stewart and Betty Crocker are combining forces to keep their beloved candy recipes from falling prey to a proposal that would outlaw nut choppers. _
--Suzanne Fontannadanna

Posted: Mon Dec 31 2001
Hallmark Holiday Special To Feature Family Reunited For The Holidays
A review by Chris Famunda

Plot twists leave the audience guessing

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Posted: Sun Dec 02 2001
Bob Barker Cites Personal Reasons For Move To Animal Planet

Television personality Bob Barker surprised the game show world with a move from long time home CBS, home of 'The Price is Right,' to Animal Planet. Although no official explanation for the move was given, some comments overheard by Barker at a cat spaying convention earlier this year may provide some clue; "there are too damn many animals on this planet, someone is definitely neglecting their spaying and neutering responsibilities."

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Posted: Sun Dec 02 2001
Fans To Leno, It's OK To Be Funny Now

September 11th was a day that temporary stunned and mortified our great nation. Transportation slowed, flags went to half mast, and for a short time even comedians voluntarily refrained from plying their art because of the feeling that it would somehow be inappropriate. But now with the tragedy more than two months in the past frustrated Tonight Show fans are telling the show's host that the time has come to be funny again.

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Posted: Sun Dec 02 2001
Area Man Disheartened By Quality Of Rock Lyrics

Lifelong Alice Cooper fan Brad Cranshaw displayed visible dismay Friday when he considered the words of one of Cooper's most popular rock songs for the first time. "I guess the worst part is that I've sung along to the words for so long without thinking about them. It's kind of scary to think about the number of times I've said the words 'I'm a hungry man, but I don't want pizza.' The music is just so catchy, I guess I had just kind of overlooked the words." _
--Norma Kletoris

Posted: Mon Nov 19 2001
Nation Prepares Itself For Onslaught Of New, More Powerful Christmas Movies

Just as Americans are recovering from the tragedies of September, they now face what may turn out to be the most difficult challenge yet. Attorney general John Ashcroft informed the nation of the threat of a new round of made-for-TV Christmas movies, and has raised the nation to Threat Level Grammy, meaning the possibility of touchy-feely exploitation movies is at the highest level possible.

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Posted: Mon Nov 19 2001
Man Shot From Cannon, Dies
Irony lost on circus-goers

A recent trip to the circus ended in tragedy, or so it appeared to the over 3000 humorless people attending. "Bullet" as he is affectionately known by fellow performers, was mounting the cannon he has been shot from innumerable times before, when "Pinky", the freak who bites the heads off chickens, shot Bullet in a jealous rage. Pinky's anger stems from Bullet's alleged affair with Shawna, the dog-faced woman, who was also seeing Pinky at the time.

All this aside, come on people, it was funny! _
--Chris Famunda

Posted: Sun Nov 4 2001
Suicidal Man Disappointed By "Killer" Slipknot Album

Columbia Missouri resident Phil Danforth reportedly was despondent due to the definite lack of life-taking powers possessed by the hard rock album he purchased recently.

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Posted: Sun Nov 4 2001
Oscar Honors The Almost-Memorable

Nominees include:   "That one chick"   "That guy in those deoderant commercials."   "That Chinese guy who's in all those movies? Has the goatee..um... He's always the bad guy? Oh, you know." _

Posted: Sun Oct 28 2001
The Stars At War

It is a sure sign of how much the WTC attacks have stirred American patriotism that so many in the entertainment industry, long the bastion of anti-establishment rhetoric, are now pitching in to help bring about victory in the War on Terrorism^®.

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Posted: Sun Oct 28 2001
Freedom Of The Press Voluntarily Suspended To Permit Only Stories About Anthrax

In a unanimous agreement among reporters today, a decision allowing only stories and television news coverage about anthrax was agreed on. This agreement, first sought over the summer to provide breaking news coverage of only Gary Condit and sharks, has finally become reality over a month after the terrorist attacks. _
--Chris Famunda

Posted: Wed Sep 26 2001
Critics: The OnlineNewspaper Gazette Is A Website!

"The funniest thing I've ever written!" -An OnlineNewspaper Gazette Editor

"It's hilarias!" -Guy who watches Conan O'Brien

"The Onion is much better!" -Time Magazine

"This site reeks!" -USA Today

"Two middle fingers up, way up!" -Ebert

"It's laugh-out-loud funny!" -Some guy saw Jay Leno once

"If you want unbiased news coverage, you want CNN." -Wolf Blitzer _

Posted: Wed Sep 26 2001
Mark Wahlberg Threatens To Be In More Movies

Hollywood producers have declined to comment on recent threatening statements by prolific actor Mark Wahlberg.

At a recent press conference, Wahlberg stated that he "needed to be in at least 15 movies next year" and that there would be "consequences if it doesn't happen." When asked what kind of "consequences" could be expected, Wahlberg said simply "Don't make me sing again." _

Posted: Sat Sep 8 2001
New Letter Created, The Artist Formerly Known As Prince Outraged

The twenty-seventh letter of the English alphabet was created yesterday by researchers at the Phonological Institute.

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Posted: Mon Sep 10 2001
"Touched By An Angel" Spawns Spinoff

CBS Productions and MoonWater Productions announced Wednesday that they had just signed a deal with The Playboy Channel that would allow production to begin on a sexy spinoff of the hit show Touched by an Angel.

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Posted: Sat Sep 8 2001
ABBA Or Ace Of Base? Which Is The One True Musical Superpower?

When I decided to do this article, I originally intended to weigh the respective merits of each band against the other, delving deep into their biographies, songs, and styles, looking for some clues about what makes the members of each respective band tick.

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Posted: Fri Aug 10 2001
Copperfield Plays To Packed House Of One

Magician and smarmy over-actor David Copperfield performed his amazing new "Look at Me, I Have A Mouth on my Forehead!" road show to a sell-out crowd in Hoboken New Jersey last Thursday only to find that he brought in a total of $75 in ticket proceeds.

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Posted: Fri Aug 10 2001
Man Responds To Penile Enlargement Ad

"Overall, I was happy with my male member", says Harold Speiner, 33. "I just thought it would be cool to have a few extra inches if I needed it. But this, I'm just not that sure I wanted this much."

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