Posted: Wed Sep 26 2001
Bush Calls Bin Laden A Punk-Ass Bitch, Prepares Nation To Get Its Freak On.

In his strongest language to date, the President readies Americans for war. With each speech since the terrorist attacks on America, the President's tone has become more and more war-like in his wording. At his latest press conference, he has upped the ante to the next level with his statement "Osama Bin Laden is nothin but a punk-ass bitch. Me and my dogz gonna get da gats and take him out."

Bush went on to say he has advised all top-level military officials to call him 'B Diddy' for the duration of the conflict, as well as to ready his "lead-pipe-hittin niggaz ta go toe-ta-toe with the mutha fucka."

For the rest of us, Bush urged calm, but to be ready for war, "To my peeps, I sez chill, but you gots ta know, we gonna get our freak on. Peace! I'm outa here!" .

Posted: Wed Sep 26 2001
Recession Not Likely To Be Avoided By Buying Porn

In an effort to bolster a struggling US economy, a grass-roots effort to revitalize it was begun yesterday.

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Posted: Wed Sep 26 2001
Mark Wahlberg Threatens To Be In More Movies

Hollywood producers have declined to comment on recent threatening statements by prolific actor Mark Wahlberg.

At a recent press conference, Wahlberg stated that he "needed to be in at least 15 movies next year" and that there would be "consequences if it doesn't happen." When asked what kind of "consequences" could be expected, Wahlberg said simply "Don't make me sing again." .

Posted: Wed Sep 26 2001
Nostradamus Postdicted Terrorist Attacks

As with every other major event in the past 500 years, Nostradamus has sucessfully postdicted the tragic events of September 11, 2001.

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Posted: Wed Sep 26 2001
Rent-A-Cop And Mall Security Guards Band Together Under New Office

In his first official action, the newly established Secretary of Homeland Defense has joined together the until now untapped might of unarmed security guards. The secretary is widely publicizing this new anti-terrorist organization, in hopes that terrorist and other illegal operations will think twice before committing illegal acts. "If there's one thing that will strike fear into the hearts of would-be terrorists, it's knowing that the might of the entire 19-23 year old college student/ 40+ year old between jobs security guards are gunning for them", says the newly appointed secretary. .
--Chris Famunda

Posted: Wed Sep 26 2001
Super String Theory Just Ploy To Sell More Silly String

Super String Theory, the theory saying that the universe consists of clumps of matter linked together by incredibly long and thin "strings", which themselves have immense gravitational fields, was contrived by the manufacturers of Silly String.

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Posted: Wed Sep 26 2001
64% Of Americans Don't Believe In Polls, 49% Do But Can't Do Math

A recent Gallup poll revealed that an astonishing 64% of those polled do not believe the results of the poll. The remaining 49% attributed the discrepancy to poor math skills. The results of this poll have already been used as propaganda by people who do not believe the results of any poll, no matter how well designed. "Man, I don't believe in those polls, They're all a bunch of lies, 76% of all people know that", says one anti-pollster. .
--Chris Famunda

Posted: Wed Sep 26 2001
Doctor Discovers New Acronym

A doctor's new discovery enables millions of people to finally get on with their lives.

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Posted: Wed Sep 26 2001
Inter-office Memo Intercepted From Giant Software Firm

The following confidential internal memo was intercepted by an OnlineNewspaper Gazette insider.

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Posted: Wed Sep 26 2001
Charges Pressed Against Bin Laden

Detroit native Lyle Brown has filed a civil law suit against suspected Afghani terrorist Osama Bin Laden. Brown alleges that in the September 11 attack on the World Trade Center, Bin Laden was an accessory to the destruction of one piece of Samsonite luggage wrongly placed aboard United Air flight 200. Brown is quoted as being, "rather vexed," about the loss of his parcel. In a release to the AP Brown notes that he is also considering possible legal action against United, who was responsible for misplacing his luggage onto the ill-fated flight. .
--Norma Kletori

Posted: Wed Sep 26 2001
Traffic Accident Ends In Mystery

In an event police officials are calling "baffling" and "spooky," two large tractor-trailers collided in downtown Kansas City and vanished without a trace.

Witnesses of the incident say one truck, owned by a local red wine manufacturer, was headed east on I-70 when it crossed the median and collided with a west-bound club-soda truck, whereafter "they both just disappeared." .

Posted: Wed Sep 26 2001
Elderly Population Increasing, Experts Suspect Budding

Experts recently announced what we have been hearing for some time: that the proportion of elderly persons in the United States is growing faster than any other segment of the population.

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Posted: Wed Sep 26 2001
The WTC Attack, What Does It Mean To You?

The WTC Attack, What does it mean to you?

Invest in wartime staples: gold, silver, Segrams, and KY jelly. Hunkering down in large gift horse outside nearest 7-11. Forswear SnackWell's Devil's Food Cakes, believing them to be 'too sinfully good'.

View Results .

Posted: Wed Sep 26 2001
Patriotism Rampant After Terrorist Attacks

The United States has seen an outpouring of patriotism unknown since World War II in the weeks following the terrorist attacks on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon on September 11th. Suddenly, it seems everyone is a flag-waving patriot, regardless of how much they despised America before the attacks.

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Posted: Wed Sep 26 2001
Critics: The OnlineNewspaper Gazette Is A Website!

"The funniest thing I've ever written!" -An OnlineNewspaper Gazette Editor

"It's hilarias!" -Guy who watches Conan O'Brien

"The Onion is much better!" -Time Magazine

"This site reeks!" -USA Today

"Two middle fingers up, way up!" -Ebert

"It's laugh-out-loud funny!" -Some guy saw Jay Leno once

"If you want unbiased news coverage, you want CNN." -Wolf Blitzer .