Posted: Sun Jul 22 2001
Patriotic Man Gets Drunk, Defends Country.

Paul Rubenstein, a 35 year old construction worker in Shawnee, KS, spoke on behalf of the United States of America at a local bar on Friday. Paul, who describes himself as patriotic, felt the need to defend his country when a friend noted that South American countries "usually have better soccer teams," to which Paul rejoined "Oh yeah? Then why did we kick their ass so bad in dubya-dubya-two?" .

Posted: Sun Jul 22 2001
Peace In Middle East Near!

Throwing aside centuries of mutual hostility and religious differences, Jews and Muslims everywhere said "I'm sorry" after seeing a touching long-distance commercial.

Related story: Big Oil, Greenpeace find common ground. .

Posted: Sun Jul 22 2001
McCain Rages Against All Things Soft

Senator John "Buick" McCain (R-Arizona) announced today that if the current "soft money" bill passes, he will expand his soft money crusade to include all things that use the adjective.

Full Text...

Posted: Tue Jul 24 2001
Leghorn Seeks 2.4M From Carville In Copyright Infringement Case

Democratic strategist James Carville: "Ah didn't, Ah say Ah didn't rip him off."	Leghorn: "This will not stand."

.

Posted: Sun Jul 22 2001
Reporter Uses Digital Cable To Full Potential

A reporter and editor for an online newspaper, who we will call "Tom K", recently upgraded to digital cable has found it to be a useful tool, "I used to go days without seeing any, but now I just turn it on, and there are the boobies. Modern technology is, quite simply, miraculous." .

Posted: Sun Jul 22 2001
Rube Goldberg Museum Collapses

(Wankerton, KS) Several attendees were injured in an implausible sequence of events at a museum dedicated to the famous artist and engineer.

Full Text...

Posted: Sun Jul 22 2001
Man Calls Complaint Line, Is Defrauded

Local driver Dan Livinston, shocked by the appalling driving habits of the driver in front of him, followed the suggested method of registering a complaint, but the number given, 1-800-EAT-SHIT, was not really a complaint line.

Police advise not to assume any number given for complaints is real. "They may be trying to avoid hearing your complaint by giving you an invalid number" said a police spokesman. Consumers defrauded in this way are advised to call 1-800-DUMB-ASS. .

Posted: Sun Jul 22 2001
Fraternity Member Raises Beer Glass, Says "Woooo"

Fraternities, long known as bastions of innovation and original thought, have done it again.

Full Text...

Posted: Sun Jul 22 2001
Reporter Accidentally Posts Private Email Instead Of Investigative Article

Hey hon,
I'll be a little late getting home tonight, got to pick up the drycleaning. Don't worry about the milk i'll grab some on the way home. Hope you're naked when I get there :-)
love you!
-me

PS.    OO <- those are your boobies! .

Posted: Sun Jul 22 2001
Reader Has Strong Views

Very useless lame website buddy. What a waste of time building it. -Jeremy C

Be sure to catch Jeremy's next article: Why I think people should not like ER. .

Posted: Tue Jul 24 2001
"Crossing Over" Star Has A Secret

John Edwards, who claims to be a psychic and to be able to "channel" dead people's words to his live audience, has been lying to his fans. An OnlineNewspaper Gazette reporter breaks the story.

Full Text...

Posted: Sun Jul 22 2001
Feds In, G-men Out: Most Paranoid People Think 'The Feds' Are Watching.

60% of Paranoid Americans consider 'the Feds' to be the main cause for worry, says a recent survey.

Full Text...

Posted: Mon Jul 23 2001
Bush Is A "Big Moron" Says Expert

John Rider, self proclaimed expert on the presidency and head of a Kansas think tank called simply "Us Guys", has released a report saying among other things that President George W. Bush is "stupid" and "a jerk".

Full Text...

Posted: Wed Jul 25 2001
Do You Think The FBI Monitors Communications On The Internet?

Yes No, the FBI is a wonderful organization who would never have my taxes audited. Don't Know

View Results Related Story .

Posted: Fri Jul 20 2001
Correlation Between SUVs, Penis Size

Researchers at Boston University's Motophallus laboratory have released a shocking report.

Full Text...

Posted: Sun Jul 22 2001
Ye Olde Disaster! 12 Die, Hundreds Injured At Renaissance Fair

A dozen people were killed and almost 300 others ended up in local hospitals when a renaissance fair succeeded in being more "realistic".

Full Text...

Posted: Tue Jul 24 2001
"Crossing Over" Star Has A Secret

John Edwards, who claims to be a psychic and to be able to "channel" dead people's words to his live audience, has been lying to his fans. An OnlineNewspaper Gazette reporter breaks the story.

Full Text...

Posted: Sun Jul 22 2001
WWJD?

(Pheonix, AZ) Pheonix resident Jack Tundby was faced with a difficult decision recently. To help him decide on the proper course of action, he asked himself "What would Jesus do?" He then decided to get the blue Nissan. .

Posted: Mon Jul 16 2001
Investigative Report: Satanic Albums Found To Contain Subliminal Bible Passages.

Teen discovers religious messages in his satanic songs.

Full Text...

Posted: Sun Jul 22 2001
Assault Charges Filed Against Uncle Of Shark Attack Victim

As though the trauma of a shark attack were not enough, an 8 yr old boy also was shot 3 times- by his own uncle.

Full Text...