Posted: Sun Feb 10 2002
Incidence Of Planes Crashing Into Buildings Down Since 9-11
Proof That Tax Cut Worked

A marked decrease in the number of planes crashing into buildings hasoccurred since the terrorist attacks of September 11. President Bush,eager to boost slumping approval ratings, quickly cited the reductionas evidence that his controversial tax cut package was indeed successful.How many other presidents, Bush asked, have been as successful in as short a time as I was at reducing terrorist crashes into sky scrapers? Bush then went on to make the obvious connection of the reduction in suicidecrashes with the extra two-hundred dollars every American received as partof his tax cut plan. .
--Chris Famunda

Posted: Sun Feb 10 2002
Local Sports Fan Thinks He's On The Team

"Ever since the superbowl, he's suffered from the delusion that he's a member of the St Louis Rams Football team," says Maggie Helmes, wife of local sports fan Jerry Helmes. Jerry's earliest symptoms came in the form of misused pronouns like "we were so close" and "we should have made that" when referring to actions seen on the television, and have slowly progressed to the point that he actually thinks he's on the team. "He's got flags, stickers, helmets, jerseys, footballs, and even a 'IMA RAM' license plate, but it's the Rams jockstrap that bugs me the most," says Maggie. .

Posted: Sun Feb 10 2002
Oldest Backstreet Boy Nears Retirement

The guy with the beard is due to be cycled out in late March.

Since its introduction in the early 1990s, several of the Backstreet Boys have been forcibly retired and replaced by younger, hipper members.

"We give them good homes," says Jack Salon, head of BoyBand Enterprises, "They are put out to stud on our 300-acre free range boyband farm to secure the next generation of preteen entertainment. Unfortunately, the one's that can't, or won't, breed have to put to sleep, but that is rarely necessary." .

Posted: Sun Feb 10 2002
Local Man Not From 'Round Here

Assad Hamas, a recent immigrant from India, has moved into the apartment below local resident Janet Herford. "When I went down to welcome him into the neighborhood, I noticed he had an accent, and he refused to eat my homemade 'world famous beef potpie', comments Herford, "that's when I knew he was not from 'round here." .

Posted: Sun Feb 10 2002
Bush Taunts North Korea, Runs With Scissors

"North Korea is part of an Axis of Evil," said Mr. Bush holding a pair of scissors and furiously running around in circles. "I think they may be harboring terrorists," continued the President while flipping off a group of nearby Hell's Angels. Bush finished by kicking a pitbull a few times and saying, "North Korea may have a few nuclear missiles, and I may not have any evidence for these allegations, but I'm pretty sure they eat babies." .

Posted: Sun Feb 10 2002
Physicist Getting A "F-Particle"

Physicists at the world renowned Fermilab have stumbled onto a new method of determining the secrets of the universe.

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Posted: Sun Feb 10 2002
Martha Stewart To Turn Abandoned K-Marts Into Sweat Shops, Pornography Stores

In light of the recent announcement that K-Mart, the strong-hold of MarthaStewart's complete line of kitchen, bath, and bedroom products; has declaredbankruptcy, Stewart has announced plans to turn the soon-to-be abandonedstores into her own line of sweat shops to mass-produce pornography featuringher line of house-wares.

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Posted: Sun Feb 10 2002
Americans Proud To Drive Like Shit

A report by the Kansas Highway Patrol shows that the addition of a "Proud to be an American" or a "God Bless America" bumper sticker to a vehicle does not significantly affect the driving habits of the driver: "A common expectation is that a patriotic sticker is a reflection of a person's respect for the nation and its laws, traffic or otherwise, but this turns out to be not the case."

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Posted: Sun Feb 10 2002
Image Of Dom Deluise Appears In Chocolate Cake

The image, which has many miracle seekers baffled, appeared late Saturday afternoon when Penelope Richards took her cake out of the oven, "It just appeared when I turned it over," says Richards. Neither the Vatican nor Betty Crocker has offered any statement regarding the alleged miracle. Unfortunately no photographs were taken before the cake was eaten by a Deluise fan. .