Posted: Sun Oct 27 2002
Offbeat: Man Dies In Humorous, Painful Accident

A Madison Wisconson man was seriously wounded on Friday when his pet iguana accidentally knocked him into an industrial pastry mixer.

The man, Madison resident George Mannerly, 35, who died several hours after the accident, is survived by a wife and four children.

"I don't know what's funnier," says co-worker Phil Johnson, "the fact that he was killed by a pastry mixer or that it was caused by his pet iguana! There's got to be some irony in there somewhere." _

Posted: Sun Sep 29 2002
Jesus Loves Local Man, But He's Not "In Love" With Local Man

Local resident Gary Walters was devastated to learn his long-time partner, Jesus, wanted to end their relationship.

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Posted: Mon Sep 2 2002
Minister Unable To Convince Wife "Blessed Are The Cock Suckers" Is In The Bible

After several attempts over the weekend, minister Jack Wither, 37, found he was unable to convince his wife of the Biblical necessity of fellatio.

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Posted: Sun Aug 11 2002
God Thanked For Miracle

"Thanks for not killing those trapped miners." That was the message to God from churches around the nation on Sunday.

The miracle began when nine coal miners became trapped in a water-filled mine shaft after accidentally cutting into an existing shaft which was full of water.

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Posted: Mon Jul 22 2002
Man Making Way Too Many Threesome Jokes About Wife's Attractive Friend

What started out as a way to introduce a risque topic in a joking manner has turned into a continuing source of friction between Jonathon Daniels and his wife, Caroline.

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Posted: Sun Jun 30 2002
"I'm Not A Racist" Followed Immediately By Extremely Racist Comment

In order to confirm the racial-neutrality of his views, Buffalo New York resident Daniel Tanner prefixed his statement "I just think Blacks too lazy to get jobs," with a disclaimer of "I'm not a racist, but...". Several minutes later he clarified his "Puerto-Rican are poor and stinky" comment with "not that I've got anything against Latinos." _

Posted: Mon Jun 24 2002
300 Pound Man Warns Vegan Friend Of Dangers Of Meatless Diet

After learning of his friend's decision to cut out meat and dairy, local 300-pound man Rodney Mahn began warning of the terrible health risks associated with a vegan lifestyle. "A vegan diet is tremendously dangerous," explained Mahn. "Humans were meant to be meat-eaters: hunters who roam the plains of Africa eating what they kill. We're not plant eating vegetarians. It's just not healthy." _

Posted: Wed May 29 2002
1950s "Confirmed Bachelor" Equivalent To 2000s "Gay Man"

Overland Park Kansas resident James Turner was astounded to learn that men he had always called "confirmed bachelors" we actually old gay men. "It makes sense if you think about it," said Turner. "You see young gay people all over the place today, but nobody saw any 50 years ago."

Turner also plans to re-evaluate his view of "spinsters". _

Posted: Sat May 25 2002
Man Much More Afraid Of Bear Than Other Way Around

Andy McClure, a resident of Fort Collins Colorado, was hiking inthe mountains when he stumbled across a large grizzly bear. "He wasno more than 30 feet away. It scared the shit out of me, but the bearjust looked at me and walked away." Witness confirm the bear "Didn't lookscared at all." _

Posted: Sat May 25 2002
Anti-Semitic Christian Group Learns Most Of Bible Written By Jews, Disbands

A group which often spoke out for Jesus and against Jews has closed its doors after learning of the Bible's semitic origins. Hank Mason, the church's leader for the past 20 years, made the discovery late Tuesday evening after noticing all the Jewish names and towns listed thoughout both the old and new testaments. Witness report Mason said "oh shit" before calling his followers to tell them of the discovery and his decision to disband the group. _

Posted: Sun Apr 14 2002
Woman Dealing With Husband's Disorder One Day At A Time

Eddie and Margaret Jones have been married for the last twenty years, but a disorder caused by recent world developments has strained a once happy relationship.

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Posted: Sun Mar 10 2002
Dead People Don't Care They Weren't Cremated, Says Survey

A new survey conducted by AAVRP shows that dead people don't really prefer cremation over other burial methods.

Peter Wernt, the soon-to-be president of the American Association of Very Retired People, announced the results at a press conference on Thursday.

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Posted: Sun Feb 24 2002
Jesus Thanked For Fixing Code

It was just after 5:30 PM when Bob Smith* finally finished his C program. He had been struggling with an endless loop that had stymied all attempts to be stopped.

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Posted: Sun Feb 10 2002
Image Of Dom Deluise Appears In Chocolate Cake

The image, which has many miracle seekers baffled, appeared late Saturday afternoon when Penelope Richards took her cake out of the oven, "It just appeared when I turned it over," says Richards. Neither the Vatican nor Betty Crocker has offered any statement regarding the alleged miracle. Unfortunately no photographs were taken before the cake was eaten by a Deluise fan. _

Posted: Sun Jan 27 2002
Mother Proud Of Daughter's Genital Herpes Commercial

"She's such a good actress," gushes Margaret, actress Jenny Roslin's mother, "I almost believed she had genital herpes." Margaret is also pleased with Jenny's earlier works as a yeast infection sufferer, and her son Harold's hemorrhoids. _

Posted: Sun Jan 27 2002
No One Wanted To Know That Local Man Doesn't Wear Underwear

"It didn't work out as well as I had hoped it would," says Olathe Kansas resident John Kim, "I had thought most people would think it was really unusual, and therefore cool, but as it turned out, they weren't interested in the least." _

Posted: Mon Jan 14 2002
P Diddy, Kid Rock To Finance New Charity

Psychiatrists estimate that nearly 70% of children age 8 to 17 suffer from low self-esteem. Cures are known to exist, but their high cost and side effects have always meant very few children ever receive treatment. But now, thanks to a few well-egoed artists, that may all be changing.

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Posted: Mon Dec 31 2001
Released Detainee Doesn't Hold Grudge

Mary Katherine Holtsmeier was released from a war-on-terror detention center today. She and her kids exchanged loving hugs. Then she sat down for an interview with us. She has forgiven her country for holding her. It was, she says, all for the greater good, as far as her captors knew. It just took a while for the government investigators to get around to her.

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Posted: Mon Dec 31 2001
Man Finds Out Friends Not Laughing With Him

Area resident Ralph Horbach was disappointed over the weekend when he learned his friends' laughter was directed towards him, not his zany misfortunes. Explains Horbach, "They would always laugh when bad things would happen to me, and I had always thought they were laughing with me in a good-natured manner, but over the last week or so I've come to realize they're really laughing at me and my pain." _

Posted: Sun Dec 02 2001
Jews Blamed For Minor Inconveniences

Rabbi Dwayne Shultz is wanted for questioning by the Des Moines police regarding several instances of misplaced keys and glasses, as well as phones ringing during dinner. Rabbi Shultz was last in the news when he was suspected of trying to influence local media outlet The Des Moines Register by taking the paper's owner out to lunch. _

Posted: Sun Dec 02 2001
Rate Your Patriotism

How much do you love your country? Enough to fight for it? Enough to buy war bonds? Enough to decorate your vehicle with little plastic flags?

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Posted: Mon Nov 19 2001
Co-Worker Thinks Clowning Is A Noble Profession

Local customer service representative Burt Nelson recently informed co-worker George Smith that despite outward apperences, clowns "connect with humanity on a basic level" and when "Bongo smacks Bozo on the head with a pig blatter, it's actually a comment on man's quest for understanding." Smith eventually managed to escape after 20 minutes by mumbling something about using the restroom. _

Posted: Sun Oct 28 2001
New Generation Hoping To Avoid Being Named Until After Conflict

Russel Davis, the new Generation's spokesman, warned trend spotters and social historians "to wait a year or so" before applying any name. "We don't want any crap-name like 'X' or 'Next', and we definately don't want our name to be 'Children of 11', 'Generation Terror" or anything related to terrorism, anthrax, or George W Bush." _

Posted: Sun Oct 28 2001
Size Of Flag Correlated With Penis Size

The flag you are flying even as you are reading this is making a statement about your genitals. Is your neighbor's flag bigger than yours? Jealous? You should be. A recent study has revealed that there is a direct link between the size of respondents penises and the size, but not number, of the flags they are displaying. This study also has indicated that women who choose to display their patriotism by flying flags have Freudian flag envy. _
--Chris Famunda

Posted: Sat Oct 13 2001
War Of Words

A war on terrorism, America's new war, The first war of the 21st century, The Special Ops war: The US finds itself groping for words to describe this fight we find ourselves in. But one thing is perfectly clear - it's also a war of words. Nouns, specifically. Proper nouns, more specifically.

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Posted: Sat Oct 13 2001
Dentist Shunned By Peers
Dentist banned from recent high-level talks between the dental community and chewing gum manufacturers.

Phil Carey, a leading dentist in Chicago, was asked to leave the conference under less than friendly terms after he refused to go along with the group in recommending chewing Trident brand chewing gum after meals.

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Posted: Sat Sep 8 2001
Expert Seeks To Discover What "The Thing" Is.

We have all been in conversations where someone will blithely state exactly what "the thing" is. "The thing is I called you three times." "The thing is: What do we get out of it?" "The thing is I'm not really 16." yet none of these statements can really be taken as being definitive answer to what the thing is. At least according to Placenta Day, a linguist at the University of Kansas, Lawrence.

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Posted: Wed Aug 22 2001
Old Friends Meet In Bar.

Two old friends accidentally met at a local pub Friday night. After discussing their high school days for a few minutes, they looked around uncomfortably and walked away in silence. _

Posted: Wed Aug 22 2001
Elderly Woman Battles Paper Cut

Gladys Hayes is currently suffering from an extreme case of epidermal-papyral rifting (paper cut) that is baffling her current physician.

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Posted: Thu Aug 9 2001
Phone Psychic Wins Lottery

After years of buying tickets, local phone psychic Rita Jones, AKA Miss Cleo #4950, won an estimated $500 on a "Lucky Scratch" ticket purchased from her local gas station. "I guessed at the numbers." _

Posted: Fri Aug 10 2001
DJ Saves The Day

Daniel Weinerworker, who goes by the stage name "PhreakPhat25-67", was DJing at a nightclub when he apparently noticed a small fire near the club's ceiling. Thinking quickly, he announced to the crowd that the roof, the roof, the roof was on fire. _

Posted: Mon Jul 9 2001
Nude Protesters Burned

A peaceful nude gathering turned ugly today as nude demonstrators, protesting new anti-nude laws, got severely sunburned. "All we wanted to do was get naked and protest in peace," said one activist, "but then things got ugly when the sun started shining." At a local hospital, inundated with sunburned protesters, one of the doctors saw the lighter side of this tragedy, saying, "had they not been naked, they would not have got sun-burned." This reporter fails to see the humor in the situation, however. _
--Chris Famunda

Posted: Mon Jul 9 2001
Local Teen Expresses Desire To Become Project Bitch

(Greendale, AR) Due to a notably bland sex life, 15 year old high school sophomore Ericah Davis has endevored to undertake lifestyle adjustments.

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Posted: Tue May 22 2001
Non-Famous Couple Gets Married And Divorced

A non-famous couple got married and then got divorced shortly thereafter. Their neighbors were taken by surprise.

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Posted: Sun Jul 22 2001
WWJD?

(Pheonix, AZ) Pheonix resident Jack Tundby was faced with a difficult decision recently. To help him decide on the proper course of action, he asked himself "What would Jesus do?" He then decided to get the blue Nissan. _

Posted: Sun Jul 22 2001
Fraternity Member Raises Beer Glass, Says "Woooo"

Fraternities, long known as bastions of innovation and original thought, have done it again.

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Posted: Thu Jul 5 2001
Vagina Society Takes New Members Into The Fold.

The Vagina Society in Conneticut swelled it's ranks this past weekend when it allowed two new members to enter.

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Posted: Thu Jul 5 2001
Poor Couple Decides Not To Have Children, May Be Kicked Out Of Poor-Union.

At first glance, Gerald and Marie Hadly may seem like any other proud, dirt-poor couple in any other city in America. But look a little closer and you'll see something odd, even disturbing: Gerald and Marie have no children, and they intend to keep it that way.

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