Posted: Thu Aug 23 2001
Embryonic Stem Cell Explodes, Raising Safety Concerns

An unfortunate incident at the GenCo genetics laboratory left four dead and dozens injured after a stem cell exploded, killing the researchers. GenCo laboratory was unavailable for comment.

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Posted: Wed Aug 22 2001
Elderly Woman Battles Paper Cut

Gladys Hayes is currently suffering from an extreme case of epidermal-papyral rifting (paper cut) that is baffling her current physician.

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Posted: Wed Aug 22 2001
Woman Loses Jesus, Enlists The Help Of Others In Search.

Josephine Lowden recently misplaced her lord and savior. Realizing she could not find it on her own, she began asking people she met if they had found Jesus, and then would go on to describe it when they said that they hadn't.

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Posted: Wed Aug 22 2001
Casinos Thank The American School System.

Casinos across the nation have decided to show their appreciation to the nation's schools for doing such a good job in educating America's children.

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Posted: Thu Aug 23 2001
Cure For Neurotransmission Discovered Scientists Find Way To Stop Process

Scientists recently announced that the process of neurotransmission is not only avoidable, but also preventable.

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Posted: Wed Aug 22 2001
Web Use In The Workplace Off The Rise.

A local Computer Engineer, Jimmy Spencer, spent a whole day at work working, and is upset about it.

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Posted: Wed Aug 22 2001
Old People Demand "More Free Shit"

Old people everywhere are getting angry as Bush stalls the prescription drug plan.

The current bill, named "The Greedy Bastards Drug Plan of 2001", would give old people free access to prescription drugs by giving money straight to the drug companies. Stuart Bleedinhart, the bill's main supporter, defends the bill, noting that getting a federal agency involved is always a great way to keep costs down. .

Posted: Wed Aug 22 2001
Trend Related Injuries On The Rise

Chad Tunkin, a 35 year old bank teller from Tulsa Oklahoma, recently tried to upgrade his image by becoming "more like those Mountain Dew guys."

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Posted: Wed Aug 22 2001
Old Friends Meet In Bar.

Two old friends accidentally met at a local pub Friday night. After discussing their high school days for a few minutes, they looked around uncomfortably and walked away in silence. .

Posted: Thu Aug 23 2001
Israeli Tank Levels Office Building, Inhabitants Grateful

In Palestinian Controlled West Bank yesterday, an Israeli tank rumbled down the street, stopping in front of a Palestinian office building. Palestinian demonstrators formed a human shield in front of the target, a Palestinian office building. The tank crew, unswayed by the Palestinian mob, promptly went to work with pickaxes and plumb-bobs, leveling the building. Workers in the formerly slanted building expressed their gratitude to the renegade tank crew, who were unavailable for comment.

Chris Famunda .
--Chris Famunda

Posted: Wed Aug 22 2001
Local Man Struggles With EF.

At first glace, Overland Park KS resident Jon Gudinov looks like any other 30 year old programmer: married, intelligent, easygoing, balding, slightly overweight. Few people would think such a mild mannered man is engaged in a daily battle with a debilitating syndrome.

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Posted: Wed Aug 22 2001
Quantum Computers On The Horizon
Science writer Nigel Plinth explains it for you

Hewlett-Packard Co. (HP) and the Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT) are working together to create a new generation of computers that will offer speeds far beyond anything possible today. In order to achieve this breakthrough velocity they are building the computers from the ground up to utilize quantum effects as the means of storing and manipulating data.

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Posted: Wed Aug 22 2001
Underdog Team Plays In The Big Game In New Sports Movie.

An avant gaurd Hollywood director takes a chance on a sports movie with a surprising ending.

The film, titled 'Remember the Mighty Replacement Titan Ducks', takes place in the small backwatery town of Kismiarse, Wisconson where a group of misfit athletes who are used to defeat find themselves in a slow, but steady, comeback season due to the efforts of a washed-up but surprisingly charismatic coach.

Due out in September, the film is bound to be a boxoffice smash with 4-10 year olds. .

Posted: Wed Aug 22 2001
Letter Lost For 136 Years.

The Post Office announced today it has broken the record for slow delivery. The letter, postmarked April 9, 1865 and addressed simply to "The South", was found behind a shelf at the Post Office's main Washington DC Office. The one page letter reads:

 Dear South, We won. -The North

The South refuses to believe it and plans to investigate the letter's authenticity. .

Posted: Wed Aug 22 2001
Republicans, Democrats Reconcile Differences, Merge Parties

After a century of constant debate, several reversals, and general nastiness, Republicans and Democrats decide to join forces.

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Posted: Thu Aug 23 2001
Tanker Crashes: Threatens Wildlife, Captain's Job.

On oil tanker off the coast of Washington ran aground, spilling millions of gallons of crude oil. The spill, now covering several miles of coastline, threatens native wildlife, but also, the captain's job. While the environmental toll is probably going to be pretty bad, the really sad part is that the captain is now likely out of a job, pending a court decision.

Chris Famunda .

Posted: Thu Aug 23 2001
Bizarre Weather Pattern Identified

The Syndicated Hierarchy of International Temperature-Takers (SHITT), a meteorological focus group, identified 4 major weather trends at their July 30th meeting in Newark.

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