Posted: Sun Nov 4 2001
12 Killed When Man Finds Wrong Way To Eat A Reese's

Boulder Colorado resident Russell Jones inadvertently caused the death of at least 12 people while trying to verify an advertising claim.

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Posted: Sun Nov 4 2001
Bartenders, D.A.R.E. Join Forces

In an unprecedented joint venture, the American Bartending Association has joined up with D.A.R.E to help end drug use in America.

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Posted: Sun Nov 4 2001
Strange Cases Of Hearing Loss Reported

LOS ANGELES -- Hospitals across the nation are reporting an alarming increase in the number of emergency room visits for injury to ears, eardrums and ear canals, primarily among white middle-class males between the ages of 24-60.

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Posted: Sun Nov 4 2001
Bonds Breaks Record, McGwire Outraged

Barry Bonds has broken another Mark McGwire record. This time, McGwire is pissed. "Hitting lots of home runs is one thing, but this time it was my favorite ABBA record," said McGwire, holding back tears. "At least he left my Bay City Rollers collection alone. But see if I ever invite him over again." .
--Suzanne Fontannadanna

Posted: Sun Nov 4 2001
Oscar Honors The Almost-Memorable

Nominees include:   "That one chick"   "That guy in those deoderant commercials."   "That Chinese guy who's in all those movies? Has the goatee..um... He's always the bad guy? Oh, you know." .

Posted: Sun Nov 4 2001
An Interview With Job

- by Ezekiel, roving reporter

I met the most inexplicable old man the other day as I was wondering around. Like so many other homeless and hapless people, he was sitting just off the street, warming himself by a small fire.

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Posted: Sun Nov 4 2001
Investigators Follow Supernatural Leads

A photograph of the World Trade Center terrorist attack began making the e-mail rounds a few days after the tragedy occurred. The photo clearly shows a face in the black smoke pouring from the building. Many dismissed the image as a random pattern or a trick of the light but the photograph was immediately seized upon by investigators who are unwilling to leave any stone unturned.

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Posted: Sun Nov 4 2001
Terrorist Suspected Of Being Soccer Mom

Officials today announced that they are launching an all out investigation of terrorist Sammia Bennet Muhammad convicted of the attempted bombing of an American transport plane in 1985 and released from prison in 1992.

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Posted: Sun Nov 4 2001
Arabic Numerals Detained Indefinitely

As one of its first acts, the Office of Homeland Security has arrested and detained, without charge, the Arabic numerals. Suspicions against the numerals arose following the discovery of the apparent significance of the number 11 in the September 11 attacks on the WTC. The number "1" has been implicated as a key figure in the attacks, yet little direct suspicion can be attributed to 0, and 2,3,4,5,6,7,8, and 9. However, these other numbers are to be held indefinitely for the general welfare. It should be emphasized that while the other numerals may also experience some hardships during this time, the will of the American people is only to bring the number 1 to justice, with minimal impact to the other numbers. .
--Norma Kletoris

Posted: Sun Nov 4 2001
Aliens Sued For Targeting The Mentally Ill

A discrimination suit filed on Friday on behalf of the American Association of UFOlogists contends that, among other things, aliens have been abducting the mentally ill exclusively, in violation of equal opportunity laws.

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Posted: Sun Nov 4 2001
Yo Mamma Denies Allegations

Yo Mamma spoke out today, denying allegations made over the last few years. Mrs Mamma stated that she was not, in fact, fat, and further denied all of the descriptions of exactly how fat she was. She also made statements regarding her rumored lasciviousness, commenting that she had slept with only a few men, and that she has never taken money in return for sexual favors. .

Posted: Sun Nov 4 2001
Suicidal Man Disappointed By "Killer" Slipknot Album

Columbia Missouri resident Phil Danforth reportedly was despondent due to the definite lack of life-taking powers possessed by the hard rock album he purchased recently.

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Posted: Sun Nov 4 2001
Lawsuit Centers Around Capitalization

The e e cummings estate is suing a local college student for copyright infringement. The suit involves publications by c c lynne, who uses no capitalization in her writings. Lynne has issued the following statement through her attorney: im not copying him yes ive learned from his work but have expanded the concept i don't even use punctuation all that grammar crap is overrated and im thinking about eliminatingspacestoo .
--Suzanne Fontannadanna

Posted: Sun Nov 4 2001
Al Gore Changes Look To "Keep Up With That Startrek Guy"

Before After .