Posted: Mon Jun 24 2002
God Agrees With Everything Local Man Says

In an amazing coincidence, The Almighty God Of All Creation agrees with every opinion local mechanic John O'Reilly expresses.

Known to various religions as Yahweh, Allah, Vishnu, the Great Spirit, and Oden to name just a few, God's wants and desires have been the subject of debate among intellectuals and theologists for millennia, and until recently, were totally unknown and presumed to be unknowable.

John O'Reilly feels differently, "I can't explain it, but God and I are in total agreement on every religious, moral, political, scientific, and philosophical issue. I know what God wants."

Based on O'Reilly's views, God is opposed to abortion, interracial marriage, gays in the military, women voters, evolution, and last year's proposed Johnson County property tax increase. Also, God appears to be extremely fond of Judge Judy reruns, goose hunting, pornography, and Jim Beam.

O'Reilly's wife, Jane, notes that God also likes "His lovin'" on Saturday afternoons before "He gets on the whiskey."

However, O'Reilly isn't the only one who shares God's beliefs. In a recent poll, 89% of the world's population reported knowing exactly what God wants. Additionally, the poll indicated that God's beliefs were nearly always identical to the beliefs of the person answering the question.

The percentage was found to increase to almost 99% among elected officials and in such areas as Kansas, Alabama, Ohio, Israel, Palestine, India, Pakistan, and Rome.