Posted: Mon Dec 31 2001
Sales Of Hoax Anthrax On The Rise

Presumably spurred on by the publicity surrounding Clayton Lee Waagner, who mailed hundreds of hoax anthrax letters to abortion clinics across the country, would-be terrorists are driving up the price of hoax anthrax. According to one supplier, who also produces fake vomit and phony dog-doo, the upsurge couldn't have come at a better time for the artificial nastiness industry. "Things were looking pretty grim", says the spokesman, "We were even considering switching over production to real vomit and dog-doo to boost sales." But since the arrest they have been producing faux anthrax around the clock.

The spokesman, who preferred to remain unnamed, is quick to add that they produce hoax anthrax for entertainment purposes only.

Sales of cocaine are also on the rise and one local pusher, who asked that we not use his name, says that he suspects some of it is actually being used as fake anthrax. Says the pusher, "It is a very expensive alternative but it is cheaper than real anthrax and most of my customer's are coke-headed morons anyway."

Fake anthrax, whatever the price, is a godsend for mild mannered entry-level terrorists and others wanting to be "bad boys" without actually endangering anyone. Says one terrorist wannabe "The older terrorists say fake anthrax is like kissing your sister, but hey, I've got a really hot sister!"

Hardened terrorists do indeed scoff at users of hoax anthrax. "Fake anthrax is the mark of a total amateur." Says one veteran who spoke to us on the condition of anonymity, "It's the terrorists' equivalent of a clip-on tie."

As for Clayton Lee Waagner, he was unavailable for comment. But an insider, who asked that her name be used often and in a very large a font, said that Mr. Waagner is actually expecting to go through the entire trial and be convicted but then upon arriving at the prison be set free as every one laughs at how gullible he was.


--Phillip Matanka