Posted: Sun Oct 27 2002
Five New Religious Denominations Created

In an effort to simplify religious transactions, the US Faith Treasury has issued five new religions.

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Posted: Sun Oct 27 2002
China Explodes In Nuclear Fireball, Snipers Face Uncertain Charges

As much of mainland China disappears under a seething radioactive dust cloud, law-enforcement officials in Maryland struggle to decide the fate of sniper suspects John Allen Muhammad and John Lee Malvo.

"Because they [the suspects] committed the acts in so many different jurisdictions -Maryland, Virginia, Washington DC, and Alabama, we're just not sure who should file charges first," said Deputy U.S. Marshal Lou Stock. "They could face any number of municipal, county, state, and federal charges."

The OnlineNewspaper Gazette's legal advisors say it is likely the suspects will face several county murder charges as well as stand trial for state and federal weapons violations. _

Posted: Sun Sep 29 2002
Bumper Sticker Settles Issue With Cunning Use Of Underline, Capitalization

Janet Pernee, like many other Americans, was shocked to learn of the ninth circuit court's decision declaring the Pledge of Allegiance unconstitutional, but now she's fighting back.

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Posted: Mon Sep 2 2002
Bush Announces Preemptive Strike To Remove Powell From Power

A widening rift between Secretary of State Colin Powell and the rest of the Bush Administration has prompted President Bush to call for a preemptive military strike against the outspoken cabinet member.

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Posted: Mon Sep 2 2002
2rd Anniversary 9/11 Show Already In The Works

In an attempt to scoop the other networks, NBC has begun production on a two-month-long series of shows recapping the events of September 11th and discussing how people are dealing with the tragedy after two years. NBC hopes to have their shows --tentatively named "Second Annual September 11th Spectacular!"-- ready for the the upcoming Christams season. _

Posted: Sun Aug 11 2002
US Prepares List Of "Countries We Can Beat Up"

After the warm reception given to the President's current plan of attacking Iraq, President Bush has asked the CIA to prepare a list of nations the US could conceivably win a minor conflict against.

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Posted: Sun Aug 11 2002
Engineers Attempt To Create World's Ugliest SUV

Engineers working at Bell Laboratories' aesthetic research division are attempting what was once thought impossible: creating a SUV over twenty times uglier than any existing "ute".

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Posted: Mon Jul 22 2002
Arkansas Governor Signs Controversial Bill

In what many in the Midwest have called "modernism gone wrong", Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee signed into law a bill which legally forces all Arkansas citizens to acknowledge the existence of the 20th century. Huckabee signed the bill after discovering that, through a series of clerical errors, the entire state of Arkansas had been accidental stuck in 1858. Another bill currently in the Arkansas Legislature would legalize the 21st century as well. Though states such as Kansas have accepted the passage of time all the way up to 1922, only Michigan, and now Arkansas, have acknowledged the 20th century in its entirety. _

Posted: Sun Jun 30 2002
Lawmaker Offers Trade On Pledge Sections

After the controversial decision by the 9th Circuit Court declaring the phrase "under God" in the Pledge of Allegiance unconstitutional, lawmakers on capitol hill have offered an exchange in the hopes of keeping the phrase. House Majority leader Dick Armey has issued an appeal to the court, offering to remove the "with liberty and justice for all" part if the "under God" part can remain. _

Posted: Sun Jun 30 2002
Poll: Majority Want Minority To Worship Majority's God

Nearly 9 out of 10 Americans believe the phrase "under God" should remain in the Pledge of Allegiance and that dissenters should be converted, according to a Newsweek poll released on Saturday. The poll comes after the 9th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals ruled the Pledge was an unconstitutional endorsement of religion.

Asked if the Pledge should contain the phrase "under God," 87 percent of those polled by Newsweek said "yes" and only 9 percent said "no". Asked if those who said "no" should "shut up their heathen mouths and believe in our God already," 87 percent said "yes" and 9 percent said "no". _

Posted: Mon Jun 24 2002
Bush Fights Evil In Thighs, Buttocks

If you're not in shape, you may be supporting terrorism. That's the message of President Bush's latest addition to the Homeland Defense effort, the Fitness Brigade.

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Posted: Sat May 25 2002
Congress Creates New Hindsight Subcommittee To Investigate Missed 9-11 Warning Signs

Congressional leaders have asked the newly created Hindsight subcommittee to investigate charges the FBI and the Whitehouse had enough information to predict the attacks on the World Trade Center and Pentagon.

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Posted: Sun May 19 2002
Bush Declares A National Day Of Psychic Reading

In an impassioned 20 minute speech at the National Cathedral in Washington D.C., President George W Bush reminded those attending of the impact mystical experiences have in the lives of Americans, and declared May 30th as a National Day of Psychic Reading.

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Posted: Sun Mar 10 2002
Georgia Governor Denies Link Between Corpse Cleanup, Soylent Green Production

Georgia Governor Roy Barnes denied there is any link between the current dead body problem at the Tri-State Crematory and the state's suddenly booming Soylent Green industry. "It's simply a coincidence. We have been trying to lure more industry to the state for years," says Barnes, "The fact that we went from 0 units a month ago to 8000 a day now has nothing - nothing - to do with the crematory debacle."

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Posted: Sun Feb 24 2002
Police Misapprehend Suspect

A suspect wanted in several robberies has been misapprehended by police. Police had been looking for a white male approximately 5'10" in height and between the ages of 18 and 25; the suspect captured was a midget retiree from Nigeria. A police spokesman was later heard to say "Sorry, my bad." _

Posted: Sun Feb 17 2002
'Homosexuality Is Evil' Says Alabama Supreme Court

Chief Justice Roy Moore of the Alabama Supreme Court has ruled that, because of her evil and immoral homosexuality, an Alabama woman cannot have custody of her three children.

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Posted: Sun Feb 10 2002
Incidence Of Planes Crashing Into Buildings Down Since 9-11
Proof That Tax Cut Worked

A marked decrease in the number of planes crashing into buildings hasoccurred since the terrorist attacks of September 11. President Bush,eager to boost slumping approval ratings, quickly cited the reductionas evidence that his controversial tax cut package was indeed successful.How many other presidents, Bush asked, have been as successful in as short a time as I was at reducing terrorist crashes into sky scrapers? Bush then went on to make the obvious connection of the reduction in suicidecrashes with the extra two-hundred dollars every American received as partof his tax cut plan. _
--Chris Famunda

Posted: Sun Feb 10 2002
Americans Proud To Drive Like Shit

A report by the Kansas Highway Patrol shows that the addition of a "Proud to be an American" or a "God Bless America" bumper sticker to a vehicle does not significantly affect the driving habits of the driver: "A common expectation is that a patriotic sticker is a reflection of a person's respect for the nation and its laws, traffic or otherwise, but this turns out to be not the case."

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Posted: Sun Jan 27 2002
Drug Legalization Opposed By Conservatives, Colombian Drug Lords

A proposed bill that would legalize all but the most addictive drugs is facing strong opposition from powerful sources.

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Posted: Mon Jan 14 2002
Residents Disappointed With Snow Cleanup

Once the week-long snowfall stopped dumping over 7 feet of snow on Buffalo New York, crews of city and state workers along with a number of chain-gangs got to work digging the city out. Even private citizens did their part by flinging mounds of snow off of their driveways and into the driveways of neighbors.

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Posted: Mon Jan 14 2002
Americans Seek Fluffier Bread, Fancier Circuses

After the momentous events of the past year, Americans are finding it increasingly difficult to get their fill on today's low-key sensationalism.

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Posted: Mon Jan 14 2002
Lever 2000 Under Investigation

In a move that stunned the soap world, the Justice Department today announced it would begin an immediate investigation into the product Lever 2000. Investigators will be looking into allegations that there do not exist 2000 body parts. Investigators expect a quick review and a speedy resolution.

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Posted: Mon Jan 14 2002
President Attacked By Angry Pole

President Bush began the new year with a hint of danger Tuesday when he was attacked by a pole that was apparently upset over foreign policy.

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Posted: Mon Jan 14 2002
Senior Officials Picking On Freshman Officials

In a recent Whitehouse press conference, Senior officials stated that the incoming class of freshmen officials are nothing but a bunch of dweebs, geeks, and wannabees. In spite of the negative comments, most of the freshmen officials still look up to the seniors, and each individual freshmen feels that he or she is the exception to the rule. _

Posted: Mon Dec 31 2001
Modern Youth Dub War "Not That Bad"

A recent survey conducted by the Presidents Council for the Determination of Young People's Attitudes and Ideas has revealed that the small minority of American youths that are aware that the US is at war find it not to be that bad a deal. The survey is part of a report released Thursday which also includes several interviews with young people about exactly how the war is affecting them.

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Posted: Mon Dec 31 2001
Santa's Sleigh Shot Down By Nervous Homeland Defender

Earl Davenport, a lieutenant in the Montana's Homeland Defense chapter, has admitted responsibility for bringing down Santa and his reindeer.

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Posted: Mon Dec 31 2001
War On Terrorism To Target Kathy Lee Gifford, American People Rally Behind Plan

Bush's War on Terrorism has added former talk show host Kathy Lee Gifford to its list of targets, in an attempt to prevent any more made for TV movies or guest appearances. Given that the war on terrorism is expected to last several years, speedy results on the homefront-namely, the eradication of Gifford-were desperately needed to keep America interested, according to a White House spokesman. _
--Chris Famunda

Posted: Sun Dec 02 2001
Powell To Throw Hat In Ring

"I have come to the conclusion that I am the only sane man here," Chairman of the Joint Chiefs Colin Powell told an astonished press gathering, "I hereby announce my intention to retroactively run for president in the 2000 election." _

Posted: Sun Dec 02 2001
Bush: Tribunals Are Getting The Job Done

"All indications are that the secret military tribunals are having the intended effect," said President Bush earlier this week, "Not only are they speeding up the war effort by allowing us to prosecute the evildoers in a timely manner, protests and appeals by the guilty have nearly vanished."

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Posted: Sun Dec 02 2001
Nation Sharply Divided Over How To Show Unity

The shockwaves of the tumbling twin towers had barely subsided before the slogan wars began in full force. Experts are still in disagreement as to which appeared first but within a day both "God Bless America" and "United We Stand" were clearly the leaders and slugging it out toe to toe. We asked supporters of both slogans to discuss their feelings with us.

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Posted: Mon Nov 19 2001
Sports Teams Refuse To Change Names

Despite a recent push to be more Politically Correct or "PC", several teams around the nation have refused to give in.

The most notable holdout team is the Washington Redskins. Detractors say the team should change it's name because "Redskin" is a derogatory term for an American-Indian.

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Posted: Sun Nov 4 2001
Al Gore Changes Look To "Keep Up With That Startrek Guy"

Before After _

Posted: Sun Nov 4 2001
Yo Mamma Denies Allegations

Yo Mamma spoke out today, denying allegations made over the last few years. Mrs Mamma stated that she was not, in fact, fat, and further denied all of the descriptions of exactly how fat she was. She also made statements regarding her rumored lasciviousness, commenting that she had slept with only a few men, and that she has never taken money in return for sexual favors. _

Posted: Sun Nov 4 2001
Terrorist Suspected Of Being Soccer Mom

Officials today announced that they are launching an all out investigation of terrorist Sammia Bennet Muhammad convicted of the attempted bombing of an American transport plane in 1985 and released from prison in 1992.

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Posted: Sun Oct 28 2001
Bush Pissed

After being told by the American Red Cross that they had received a little over $580,000 from children answering his call to help the children of Afghanistan President Bush lashed out at the youth of America calling them "tight fisted brats" and "spoiled, selfish little bastards". "There was a day when I could draft the little freaks!" He is reported to have raged. "Now I have to beg for a god damned dollar and they won't give it!"

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Posted: Sun Oct 28 2001
Bush Pleased With War On Terrorism. Considers Other Wars.

President Bush told reporters at a news conference Tuesday that he was "very pleased and gratified" with the sweeping legislation that his War on Terrorism^TM is bringing about. "As a nation we made great headway with the War on Drugs^TM and this shows the potential of being even usefuller."

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Posted: Sun Oct 28 2001
Surge In Patriotism Linked To "God Bless The USA"

Spurred by the recent increase in acts of patriotism, a jointly appointed House committee has determined that the recent surge in patriotism and religiosity is caused by Lee Greenwood's hit "God Bless the USA".

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Posted: Sun Oct 28 2001
WTC Attacked! US At War!

This exclusive OnlineNewspaper Gazette story comes after learning that sharks still live in the Atlantic Ocean and the Chandra Levy is still missing.

Returning from my extended stay in Florida causing, I mean covering, the latest news on shark attack victims, this reporter has learned that terrorists have hijacked four planes, two of which were crashed into the WTC, another into the Pentagon, and another somewhere in Pennsylvania nobody cares about. More shocking yet, in the wake of all this, anthrax containing letters are apparently being mailed to high profile government officials and media members. This story threatens to do away with an assumed alliance entered into by reporters over the summer to only cover stories containing sharks and/or Chandra Levy. This reporter proposes a compromise: stop going after Osama bin Laden, and concentrate on the real victims/culprits here - the sharks. _
--Chris Famunda

Posted: Sun Oct 28 2001
Dinh Comment Draws Fire

Numerous phone calls and emails have lead Assistant Attorney General Viet Dinh to retract a statement that he made earlier to CNN.

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Posted: Sun Oct 28 2001
Americans Urged To Overreact Calmly

U.S. Attorney General John Ashcroft has told Americans to keep alert in the aftermath of the September 11 terrorist attacks and report anything suspicious to law enforcement agencies. He went on to say "Please, don't get all panicky: live your lives as normal, just don't open any of your mail. Oh yeah, and never answer the door." _

Posted: Sat Oct 13 2001
Bush To Catch 'That Wascally Osama'

President Bush, in a bid to appeal to younger Americans, has reverted to talking as if he were an Elmer Fudd/Yosemite Sam combination. Promising to “smoke them out of their holes”, “get them running”, and the fact that Osama is “wanted dead or alive”, should be enough to instill terror in the hearts of terrorists everywhere. Unbeknownst to Bush, though, is that his anvil on the head scheme planned for Osama can easily be thwarted by a miniature umbrella. _
--Chris Famunda

Posted: Sat Oct 13 2001
US To Target Larry King In Next Round Of Airstrikes

According to an October 10 CNN article, the Secretary of the Air Force, Dr. James G. Roche, is discussing the possibility of coalition forces attacking Larry King, most likely at 9 p.m. or 12 a.m. Eastern time.

The article, entitled "Secretary of the Air Force Dr. James G. Roche discusses U.S.-led airstrikes on Larry King Live, 9 p.m. and 12 a.m. EDT", said that while the vast majority of Americans approve of the attacks, King does not. _

Posted: Sat Oct 13 2001
Half Of Americans Not In Top 50%

A recent poll revealed that over two-thirds of Americans are not in the top 50%. These shocking statistics reveal what the lower third has known all along: that they are not in the top half. This poll comes after indications that while fully 50% of Americans are at the top, a whopping half of all Americans are not. _
--Chris Famunda

Posted: Sat Oct 13 2001
English Language Wanted For Questioning

Officials say the English Language may be linked to several near fatal occurrences of misunderstanding and quite a lot of confusion. 34 year old Tony McHindle is the latest victim, who, while working with paint thinner, burst into flames when he stopped to light a cigarette.

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Posted: Sat Oct 13 2001
Local Devil's Advocacy Program Started

It's been a dream long-held by Sally Montero: To offer opposing views to others and get paid for it. Now that dream is becoming a reality. Montero has received a university grant and will open for business shortly after first of the year, January first.

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Posted: Sat Oct 13 2001
President Warns Of Bin Laden Giving Backstreet Encoded Orders Boys In Press Releases

President Bush urged media N outlets not to relay anything said by Osama bin Laden, out of fears secret orders to terrorist organizations located sync here in the United States and around concert the world may be relayed as well. This announcement comes in the wake of a widely televised statement by bin Laden calling please for Muslims around the world to unite in his attack fight against the United States. It is a sign of the global age we live in when the supposed enemy of the United States can, within the same hour, make a statement and have it broadcast worldwide _
--Chris Famunda

Posted: Mon Oct 1 2001
Reporter Has Brain Hemorrhage Trying To Link Story To WTC Attacks

News reporter Christy Flake of the Channel 78 News team in Chicago Illinois was admitted to a hospital after suffering a brain hemorrhage brought on by over exertion of the parietal lobe, which is the part of the brain responsible for finding connections between a single bad event and everything else.

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Posted: Mon Oct 1 2001
49% Of Americans Want Arabs To Carry "Special IDs"

According to a recent Gallop Poll, 49% of Americans would support "Requiring Arabs, including those who are U.S. citizens, to carry a special ID" and 58% would support "Requiring Arabs, including those who are U.S. citizens, to undergo special, more intensive security checks before boarding airplanes in the United States"

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Posted: Wed Sep 26 2001
64% Of Americans Don't Believe In Polls, 49% Do But Can't Do Math

A recent Gallup poll revealed that an astonishing 64% of those polled do not believe the results of the poll. The remaining 49% attributed the discrepancy to poor math skills. The results of this poll have already been used as propaganda by people who do not believe the results of any poll, no matter how well designed. "Man, I don't believe in those polls, They're all a bunch of lies, 76% of all people know that", says one anti-pollster. _
--Chris Famunda

Posted: Wed Sep 26 2001
Patriotism Rampant After Terrorist Attacks

The United States has seen an outpouring of patriotism unknown since World War II in the weeks following the terrorist attacks on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon on September 11th. Suddenly, it seems everyone is a flag-waving patriot, regardless of how much they despised America before the attacks.

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Posted: Wed Sep 26 2001
Rent-A-Cop And Mall Security Guards Band Together Under New Office

In his first official action, the newly established Secretary of Homeland Defense has joined together the until now untapped might of unarmed security guards. The secretary is widely publicizing this new anti-terrorist organization, in hopes that terrorist and other illegal operations will think twice before committing illegal acts. "If there's one thing that will strike fear into the hearts of would-be terrorists, it's knowing that the might of the entire 19-23 year old college student/ 40+ year old between jobs security guards are gunning for them", says the newly appointed secretary. _
--Chris Famunda

Posted: Sat Sep 8 2001
New Religion Seeks God, Inquiries Welcome

The United Church of Insert Deity Here is actively seeking a god, sources say. Applicants should be non-smokers, not opposed to worship/animal sacrifice, and preferably blond. The religion, founded last week, has no tenets as of yet, as they are leaving their entire belief system up to their god-applicant. "We'll probably get some ideas from our god-interviewees what we will believe," says one member, "until then, let's party!" _
--Chris Famunda

Posted: Sat Sep 8 2001
University Of CA Starts New Philosophy Department

Always trying to keep up with the times, the University of California has opened a new philosophy department.

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Posted: Wed Aug 22 2001
Letter Lost For 136 Years.

The Post Office announced today it has broken the record for slow delivery. The letter, postmarked April 9, 1865 and addressed simply to "The South", was found behind a shelf at the Post Office's main Washington DC Office. The one page letter reads:

 Dear South, We won. -The North

The South refuses to believe it and plans to investigate the letter's authenticity. _

Posted: Wed Aug 22 2001
Old People Demand "More Free Shit"

Old people everywhere are getting angry as Bush stalls the prescription drug plan.

The current bill, named "The Greedy Bastards Drug Plan of 2001", would give old people free access to prescription drugs by giving money straight to the drug companies. Stuart Bleedinhart, the bill's main supporter, defends the bill, noting that getting a federal agency involved is always a great way to keep costs down. _

Posted: Wed Aug 22 2001
Republicans, Democrats Reconcile Differences, Merge Parties

After a century of constant debate, several reversals, and general nastiness, Republicans and Democrats decide to join forces.

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Posted: Thu Aug 23 2001
Embryonic Stem Cell Explodes, Raising Safety Concerns

An unfortunate incident at the GenCo genetics laboratory left four dead and dozens injured after a stem cell exploded, killing the researchers. GenCo laboratory was unavailable for comment.

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Posted: Thu Aug 9 2001
New Law Creates New Agency.

The Devolution Society, currently chaired by consumer advocate Ralph Nader, has been in existence for the past 25 years with a mission to stop the continued evolution of the human species. Senate bill 1156 would make it an official government agency.

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Posted: Thu Aug 9 2001
JLA Caught In Court Battle

The Justice League of America, once known as the place for evenhanded justice, recently had its reputation sullied when news got out that it had refused employment to a handicapped superhero.

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Posted: Wed May 23 2001
Illiteracy Rate Climbs Public Officials Concerninated

Recent figures released by the Education Department show almost 50 percent of high school graduates are functionally illiterate.

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Posted: Wed May 30 2001
USDA Approves Hemlock

In accordance with the U.S. Department of Agriculture's new criteria, hemlock, which was formally available only with a label showing a skull and crossbones, can now be sold with the USDA's new organic label.

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Posted: Thu Jun 7 2001
President Does Stuff, People Happy About It.

A new survey conducted by The OnlineNewspaper Gazette shows President Bush's approval rating at 72 percent, but a smaller percentage disagree.

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Posted: Thu Jun 7 2001
Barbarians Spotted At Gates
Appear to have added deadbolt

In a surprise move, the Barbarian Hordes were seen at the gates this last weekend with home security equipment and barricades.

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Posted: Sun Jul 22 2001
Assault Charges Filed Against Uncle Of Shark Attack Victim

As though the trauma of a shark attack were not enough, an 8 yr old boy also was shot 3 times- by his own uncle.

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Posted: Sun Jul 22 2001
McCain Rages Against All Things Soft

Senator John "Buick" McCain (R-Arizona) announced today that if the current "soft money" bill passes, he will expand his soft money crusade to include all things that use the adjective.

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Posted: Sun Jul 22 2001
Feds In, G-men Out: Most Paranoid People Think 'The Feds' Are Watching.

60% of Paranoid Americans consider 'the Feds' to be the main cause for worry, says a recent survey.

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Posted: Tue Jul 24 2001
Leghorn Seeks 2.4M From Carville In Copyright Infringement Case

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Posted: Mon Jul 23 2001
Bush Is A "Big Moron" Says Expert

John Rider, self proclaimed expert on the presidency and head of a Kansas think tank called simply "Us Guys", has released a report saying among other things that President George W. Bush is "stupid" and "a jerk".

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Posted: Mon Jul 9 2001
Court Files Restraining Order On Global Warming

In a surprise decision today, the Supreme Court voted seven to two against Global Warming's final appeal to continue the practice of melting polar ice caps.

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Posted: Fri Jul 6 2001
KKK Rally In Mobile Goes Bad

In spite of having been protested by nearly every community group in the city, the KKK won its court battle and held its annual rally earlier this month in downtown Mobile.

Police had been prepared for the worst: protests, riots, violence and even arson, but they were relieved when the event was cut short after a tractor-trailer overturned nearby.

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Posted: Mon Jul 9 2001
Censors Fired For Not Doing Their Fucking Jobs

Confusion is apparently to blame for some misplaced "beeps" at the Tony Awards.

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