The OnlineNewspaper Gazette / Sun Apr 14 2002: The OnlineNewspaper Gazette/ONG/quaap.com

Sun Apr 14 2002

Posted: Sun Apr 14 2002
Israel To Pull Back After Pummelling By News Anchors

Israel has agreed to pull out of the West Bank, but only if the US promises to end it's assault by news anchors. The US-lead attack began last week when ABC sent veteran anchor Peter Jennings into the region and NBC launched Tom Brokaw at Israeli-held lands. The latest salvo, dubbed i[Operation Old White Guy], sent Dan Rather into Jerusalem and is being credited with the Israeli pullout. Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon gave the announcement after Sunday's weekly Cabinet meeting, saying "Our troops can't hold up against the constant droning voices and meaningless commentaries. I have spoken with Arafat and we have both agreed to stop the conflict in the hopes of avoiding a prolonged Wolf Blitzer attack by CNN. .

Posted: Sun Apr 14 2002
New Black Comedian Forgets To Mention He's Black

With his in-your-face style and frequent use of obscenities, up-and-coming comedian Steve Henderson is used to controversy, but a recent performace at a comedy club in Kansas City may damage his career beyond repair.

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Posted: Sun Apr 14 2002
Woman Dealing With Husband's Disorder One Day At A Time

Eddie and Margaret Jones have been married for the last twenty years, but a disorder caused by recent world developments has strained a once happy relationship.

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Posted: Sun Apr 14 2002
Wildlife To Be Cleared So People Can Enjoy The Outdoors

Residents of Nature's Ridge Gated Community have asked the city of Overland Park for help with an unwanted flock of geese. Mary Johnston, a resident of the community for the last two years, explained the situation, "My family an I moved to this area for it's wonderful view of the lake. Our house is right on the water, enabling us to take in the full beauty of mother nature. That's when those damn God-awful waterfowl showed up and spoiled everything." Johnston and other lake-side residents have asked the city for permission to "shoot the noisy shits so we can enjoy the nature we paid for". .

Posted: Sun Apr 14 2002
Conspiracy Theories Being Planted By CIA

A new report by the Journal of American Conspiracy Theorists has unearthed evidence that casts doubt on all previous conspiracy theories.

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Posted: Sun Apr 14 2002
Local Man Hopes To Be Rich Enough To Be An Anti-Capitalist Some Day

Local factory worker Michael Bandin recently announced to friends and family his desire to become an anti-capitalist activist.

Bandin gave the announcement at his family's Easter gathering when the subject of finance was brought up. "My father asked me about my plans for paying for retirement, so I told him about my plans to be a capitalism protestor."

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Posted: Sun Apr 14 2002
Editor Wishes He Could Come Up With Caption For Picture

Uncaptioned picture of Rumsfeld

Something about boobies? The sun will come out, tomorrow? "My hands! My hands! My beautiful hands!"? There's got to be something here. .

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Next Issue: Bush glad he didn't release "Saddam is sniper" report Elvira to force tits on nation once more Jeep owner having hard time understanding "Jeep thing" too Walking fans bear brunt of pedophile hatred Philosophy student thinks he said something meaningful President stupidest man on earth, also orchestrating global oil conspiracy Jesse Jackson accidentally threatens self with legal action Editor planning to rush out and see Jackass right away Current: China Explodes In Nuclear Fireball, Snipers Face Uncertain Charges Not A Lot Of Eye Contact At Andes Crash Survivors Reunion Cow Shit Found To Be "100% Organic" Everybody's Just Too Sensitive Mediocre Musician Five New Religious Denominations Created No One Talking About Failed Wonder Diet Offbeat: Man Dies In Humorous, Painful Accident	Sun Apr 14 2002 Posted: Sun Apr 14 2002 Israel To Pull Back After Pummelling By News Anchors Israel has agreed to pull out of the West Bank, but only if the US promises to end it's assault by news anchors. The US-lead attack began last week when ABC sent veteran anchor Peter Jennings into the region and NBC launched Tom Brokaw at Israeli-held lands. The latest salvo, dubbed i[Operation Old White Guy], sent Dan Rather into Jerusalem and is being credited with the Israeli pullout. Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon gave the announcement after Sunday's weekly Cabinet meeting, saying "Our troops can't hold up against the constant droning voices and meaningless commentaries. I have spoken with Arafat and we have both agreed to stop the conflict in the hopes of avoiding a prolonged Wolf Blitzer attack by CNN. . Posted: Sun Apr 14 2002 New Black Comedian Forgets To Mention He's Black With his in-your-face style and frequent use of obscenities, up-and-coming comedian Steve Henderson is used to controversy, but a recent performace at a comedy club in Kansas City may damage his career beyond repair. Full Text... Posted: Sun Apr 14 2002 Woman Dealing With Husband's Disorder One Day At A Time Eddie and Margaret Jones have been married for the last twenty years, but a disorder caused by recent world developments has strained a once happy relationship. Full Text... Posted: Sun Apr 14 2002 Wildlife To Be Cleared So People Can Enjoy The Outdoors Residents of Nature's Ridge Gated Community have asked the city of Overland Park for help with an unwanted flock of geese. Mary Johnston, a resident of the community for the last two years, explained the situation, "My family an I moved to this area for it's wonderful view of the lake. Our house is right on the water, enabling us to take in the full beauty of mother nature. That's when those damn God-awful waterfowl showed up and spoiled everything." Johnston and other lake-side residents have asked the city for permission to "shoot the noisy shits so we can enjoy the nature we paid for". . Posted: Sun Apr 14 2002 Conspiracy Theories Being Planted By CIA A new report by the Journal of American Conspiracy Theorists has unearthed evidence that casts doubt on all previous conspiracy theories. Full Text... Posted: Sun Apr 14 2002 Local Man Hopes To Be Rich Enough To Be An Anti-Capitalist Some Day Local factory worker Michael Bandin recently announced to friends and family his desire to become an anti-capitalist activist. Bandin gave the announcement at his family's Easter gathering when the subject of finance was brought up. "My father asked me about my plans for paying for retirement, so I told him about my plans to be a capitalism protestor." Full Text... Posted: Sun Apr 14 2002 Editor Wishes He Could Come Up With Caption For Picture Uncaptioned picture of Rumsfeld Something about boobies? The sun will come out, tomorrow? "My hands! My hands! My beautiful hands!"? There's got to be something here. . Tweet	New Content Current: Oct 27 2002 Past Issues: Sep 29 2002 Sep 2 2002 Aug 11 2002 Jul 22 2002 Jun 30 2002 Jun 24 2002 May 29 2002 May 25 2002 May 19 2002 Apr 14 2002 Mar 10 2002 Feb 24 2002 Feb 10 2002 Jan 27 2002 Jan 14 2002 Dec 31 2001 Dec 2 2001 Nov 19 2001 Nov 4 2001 Oct 28 2001 Oct 13 2001 Oct 4 2001 Sep 26 2001 Sep 10 2001 Aug 23 2001 Aug 14 2001 Jul 31 2001 Jul 15 2001 June 2001 May 2001 Email this page quaap.com Privacy Contacts Schemes: Classic: B&W: Blue: DarkBlue: Red: DarkRed: Green: DarkGreen: Violet: DarkViolet:
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