Posted: Sun Oct 27 2002
China Explodes In Nuclear Fireball, Snipers Face Uncertain Charges

As much of mainland China disappears under a seething radioactive dust cloud, law-enforcement officials in Maryland struggle to decide the fate of sniper suspects John Allen Muhammad and John Lee Malvo.

"Because they [the suspects] committed the acts in so many different jurisdictions -Maryland, Virginia, Washington DC, and Alabama, we're just not sure who should file charges first," said Deputy U.S. Marshal Lou Stock. "They could face any number of municipal, county, state, and federal charges."

The OnlineNewspaper Gazette's legal advisors say it is likely the suspects will face several county murder charges as well as stand trial for state and federal weapons violations. _

Posted: Sun Oct 27 2002
Mediocre Musician Survives Multiple Drug Overdoses, Suicide Attempts

Despite a month-long heroin binge and several self-inflicted gunshot wounds, pop jock-rock musician Jon "JH" Halberstein just won't die.

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Posted: Sun Oct 27 2002
Not A Lot Of Eye Contact At Andes Crash Survivors Reunion

Thirty years after their plane crashed in the rugged Andes mountains, forcing them to eat the flesh of the dead in order to survive, surviving members of the Uruguayan rugby team met in Chile to remember the tragic event. "This is the first time many of us have seen each other since the crash," says survivor Roberto Canessa. "It's a very emotional -and somewhat uncomfortable- time for us all." Fellow survivor Fernando Parrado agrees, adding "I managed to get through the whole thing without looking any of them in the eye."

Attendance at the barbecue following the reunion was much lower than expected. _

Posted: Sun Oct 27 2002
Everybody's Just Too Sensitive

Not too long ago, you didn't have to be afraid of what words you used to describe people. You didn't have to worry about people getting offended if you said "mailman" instead of "mail carrier", or "man" instead of "person". You could call a female a "girl" without the National Organization for Women attacking you.

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Posted: Sun Oct 27 2002
Cow Shit Found To Be "100% Organic"

America's fertilizer producers are gearing up to take advantage of the USDA's revamped rules for organic products. Under the new rules, manufacturers can label their products "organic" if they don't use pesticides, biotechnology, antibiotics, irradiation, or growth hormones. "This is a proud day for the bovine feces industry," says Bovine Feces Industry president Martha Benton, "we can finally let the public know that our cow shit is 100% organic." The new rules also apply to several other items, including dog shit, cat shit, horse shit, decaying road kill, and food for humans. _

Posted: Sun Oct 27 2002
Anti-Tobacco Ad Campaign To Change Focus

Missouri's smoking prevention program announced today that they have virtually depleted their funds and will no longer run anti-smoking ads. According to the state budget director, the remaining funds will be used for salary increases to retain the highly trained staff.

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Posted: Sun Oct 27 2002
No One Talking About Failed Wonder Diet

Friends and family have decided not to say "I told you so" to failed dieter Diane Samson, who, despite three months on a revolutionary all-pork diet, ended up not losing any weight at all.

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Posted: Sun Oct 27 2002
Five New Religious Denominations Created

In an effort to simplify religious transactions, the US Faith Treasury has issued five new religions.

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Posted: Sun Oct 27 2002
Offbeat: Man Dies In Humorous, Painful Accident

A Madison Wisconson man was seriously wounded on Friday when his pet iguana accidentally knocked him into an industrial pastry mixer.

The man, Madison resident George Mannerly, 35, who died several hours after the accident, is survived by a wife and four children.

"I don't know what's funnier," says co-worker Phil Johnson, "the fact that he was killed by a pastry mixer or that it was caused by his pet iguana! There's got to be some irony in there somewhere." _