Posted: Sun Sep 29 2002
MSNBC, CNN, Foxnews Given Journalism Award

For their extreme coverage of the "Alligator Alley Terror Scare©", three of the major news outlets have been awarded the coveted "Excellence in Screwing Over Some Guy" journalism award.

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Posted: Sun Aug 11 2002
Big Fat Man Sues Self For Being Such A Dumbass

A man has sued himself, claiming he became obese and suffered from other serious health problems from not being smart enough to eat anything besides fatty fast food cuisine.

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Posted: Mon Jul 22 2002
Vin Diesel Puts Out Clouds Of Thick Black Smoke While Going Up Hills

The debate about the environmental friendliness of Actor Vin Diesel heated up again this week when witnesses saw the 35 year old actor chugging up a steep hill on his morning run.

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Posted: Sat May 25 2002
New Book Links Obesity To Eating A Hell Of A Lot Of Food

While many people believe the brand of shoes they wear or the flavor of toothpaste they use causes obesity, the real culprit is large servings of high calorie food.

That's the message of a new book which examines the eating habits of Americans. The book, called Restaurant Confidential, studied the calorie and fat content of popular restaurant items like cheese fries, whipped cream drinks, and deep-fried onion plates.

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Posted: Sun Apr 14 2002
Conspiracy Theories Being Planted By CIA

A new report by the Journal of American Conspiracy Theorists has unearthed evidence that casts doubt on all previous conspiracy theories.

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Posted: Sun Feb 24 2002
No Story Written For Self-Explanatory Headline

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Posted: Sun Feb 24 2002
13 Year Old Boy Sentenced In Priest Defrocking Scandal

A local boy who has come to symbolize the scandal surrounding the recent round of priest defrockings was sentenced to 20 years in prison.

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Posted: Sun Jan 27 2002
Silly Rabbit Indicted In Gay Kiddy Sex Ring

After years of soliciting child prostitution with his copyrighted phrase "Fruity tricks are for kids," this warped and animated bit of Americana is finally being brought to justice. _
--Norma Kletoris

Posted: Mon Dec 31 2001
Women Sued For Intercessory Prayer

Sheila Seagal did not take kindly to the news that her friends had been praying for her. In fact she is taking them to court. It all began several months ago when Sheila's husband Johnathon took a job in the nearby city of Wachiheebokata. Since then he has been living in a rented apartment and only returning on weekends. The couple plans to sell their house and both move to Wachiheebokata. The problem is that the house is not selling.

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Posted: Mon Dec 31 2001
TheTruth.com Researchers Make Shocking Discovery

Researchers working at TheTruth.com's 'Center For Figuring Stuff Out' recently made an astounding discovery: Smoking is bad for you.

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Posted: Sun Dec 02 2001
Worlds Most Demeaning And Second Most Demeaning Jobs Found At Same Trade Show Booth.

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--Philip Matanka

Posted: Sun Dec 02 2001
Madonna's "Just Like A Prayer" May Have Strong Sexual Undertone

Chaos erupted following the presentation of Madonna's controversial video at a recent St. Anne's Christian Academy prayer service. Students arrange and lead these biweekly students, which tend to incorporate contemporary Christian rock, such as Creed. However, in honor of Spirit Week's theme "Hey, Remember the 80's?" the Madonna classic was utilized. In defense of the selection 8th grader Stacy Calhoun reportedly asked principal Sister Mary Katherine, "what could Madonna be doing down on her knees if not praying?" She then snickered when told to report to the headmaster. _
--Norma Kletoris

Posted: Sun Nov 4 2001
Strange Cases Of Hearing Loss Reported

LOS ANGELES -- Hospitals across the nation are reporting an alarming increase in the number of emergency room visits for injury to ears, eardrums and ear canals, primarily among white middle-class males between the ages of 24-60.

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Posted: Sat Oct 13 2001
Cynical Reporter Conflicted About Upcoming Movie

After learning of the upcoming movie version of the popular Harry Potter series, OnlineNewspaper Gazette associate Jesse Vasquez found himself in a quandary.

On the one hand, he wanted to see the movie to spite those who think Harry Potter promotes evil and witchcraft. But on the other hand, he considered it to be crap. He eventually decided to wait "until it comes out on HBO." _

Posted: Wed Sep 26 2001
Nostradamus Postdicted Terrorist Attacks

As with every other major event in the past 500 years, Nostradamus has sucessfully postdicted the tragic events of September 11, 2001.

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Posted: Sun Sep 9 2001
"Say What You Will, But When It Comes To Penises, Size Does Matter." Report By Norma Kletoris

A recent survey on college campuses around the nation found a direct correlation between penis size and sexual performance. It seems the larger the penis, the more enjoyable sex is for the partner. This shocking discovery is expected to revolutionize dating criteria for both single women and homosexual men. _
--Norma Kletori

Posted: Fri Aug 10 2001
Man Responds To Penile Enlargement Ad

"Overall, I was happy with my male member", says Harold Speiner, 33. "I just thought it would be cool to have a few extra inches if I needed it. But this, I'm just not that sure I wanted this much."

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Posted: Wed May 23 2001
Columnist Runs Out Of Ideas
Uses Large Font, Repeated Words, To Fill Space

Recently, an online newspaper columnist was working on a column for the upcoming release of his online newspaper The OnlineNewspaper Gazette, when he apparently ran out of ideas, sources say.

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Posted: Mon Jul 16 2001
Investigative Report: Satanic Albums Found To Contain Subliminal Bible Passages.

Teen discovers religious messages in his satanic songs.

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Posted: Sun Jul 22 2001
Reporter Accidentally Posts Private Email Instead Of Investigative Article

Hey hon,
I'll be a little late getting home tonight, got to pick up the drycleaning. Don't worry about the milk i'll grab some on the way home. Hope you're naked when I get there :-)
love you!
-me

PS.    OO <- those are your boobies! _

Posted: Tue Jul 24 2001
"Crossing Over" Star Has A Secret

John Edwards, who claims to be a psychic and to be able to "channel" dead people's words to his live audience, has been lying to his fans. An OnlineNewspaper Gazette reporter breaks the story.

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