Posted: Sun Oct 27 2002
Anti-Tobacco Ad Campaign To Change Focus

Missouri's smoking prevention program announced today that they have virtually depleted their funds and will no longer run anti-smoking ads. According to the state budget director, the remaining funds will be used for salary increases to retain the highly trained staff.

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Posted: Sun Sep 29 2002
Check-out Girl Wishes Customers Wouldn't Try To Explain Purchases

Jenny Carson, 22, has announced she will no longer listen when customers try to explain why they are purchasing certain items.

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Posted: Mon Sep 2 2002
Orange To Replace Lemon As Most Popular Useless Kitchen Fruit

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Posted: Sun Aug 11 2002
TheTruth.com: Tobacco Smoke Contains Terrorism

"After re-counting all 101 poisons found in tobacco smoke, we discovered one additional substance: terrorism," announced an ultra-hip 15 year old spokesman for TheTruth.com. "The tobacco companies don't want you to know this, but it's true." While it may seem strange, tobacco is only the latest product found to contain trace amounts of terrorism. The unpatriotic toxic substance has previously been found in drugs, OPEC oil, and imported cars. _

Posted: Sun Aug 11 2002
Engineers Attempt To Create World's Ugliest SUV

Engineers working at Bell Laboratories' aesthetic research division are attempting what was once thought impossible: creating a SUV over twenty times uglier than any existing "ute".

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Posted: Wed May 29 2002
Workers Glad Their Products Are Being Ripped Off

After last week's union meeting, workers at Interscope Records' largest compact disc production plant have agreed to sign a document proclaiming their support for bootleg CD manufacturers.

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Posted: Sat May 25 2002
Advertisers Forcing People To Buy Products They Don't Want

The unstoppable mind control rays usually reserved to sell cigarettes and alcohol to minors are being considered by other industries.

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Posted: Sun May 19 2002
Handicap Parking Spot Celebrates Ten Years Without Use

Over the weekend K-Mart employees and residents of the surrounding Shawnee Kansas neighborhood commemorated a decade of non-use of the handicap parking spot by the handicapped. _

Posted: Sun Apr 14 2002
Local Man Hopes To Be Rich Enough To Be An Anti-Capitalist Some Day

Local factory worker Michael Bandin recently announced to friends and family his desire to become an anti-capitalist activist.



Bandin gave the announcement at his family's Easter gathering when the subject of finance was brought up. "My father asked me about my plans for paying for retirement, so I told him about my plans to be a capitalism protestor."

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Posted: Sun Mar 10 2002
SUV Drives Easily Over Speed Bump, Justifying Purchase

With prices of sport utility vehicles going up, increased fuel costs, and more and more deadly traffic accidents, many critics of the SUV industry have said there is no need for any city dweller to buy a SUV. Friends and family of local SUV owner Margaret Bean said much the same thing when she purchased her $45000, 6000 lb, 12 mpg Lincoln Navigator. But over the weekend Mrs Bean's expense finally paid off. "When I saw this speed bump looming up in the distance, I just smiled," Bean said. "I knew I could climb right over it, no problem." Mrs Bean then locked in the 4 wheel drive and crossed the speed bump, two pedestrians, and a Dodge Neon. _

Posted: Sun Feb 10 2002
Martha Stewart To Turn Abandoned K-Marts Into Sweat Shops, Pornography Stores

In light of the recent announcement that K-Mart, the strong-hold of MarthaStewart's complete line of kitchen, bath, and bedroom products; has declaredbankruptcy, Stewart has announced plans to turn the soon-to-be abandonedstores into her own line of sweat shops to mass-produce pornography featuringher line of house-wares.

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Posted: Sun Jan 27 2002
Netscape Hopes New Microsoft Lawsuit Will Make Its Browser Less Shitty

Internet giant AOL has filed an antitrust lawsuit againstsoftware giant Microsoft on behalf of its subsidiary Netscape,citing Netscape's lack of competitiveness among web users.

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Posted: Mon Jan 14 2002
Chilidog Closes NYSE Early

When what was thought to be the closing horn of the New York Stock Exchange sounded above the din of the trading floor Thursday trading stopped and the traders began tallying their losses and gains as usual.

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Posted: Mon Dec 31 2001
Business To Lay Off Joe Davis

In an effort to cut back on unnecessary expendatures, Jerry's Bar and Grill announced today plans to lay off grill-cleaner Joe Davis.

Joe, who has been working at Jerry's for almost 3 months, commented, "It's always the little guy. They never lay off those bigwigs leaches at the top."

The cutbacks are not expected to have much, if any, impact on the economy. _

Posted: Mon Dec 31 2001
Sales Of Hoax Anthrax On The Rise

Presumably spurred on by the publicity surrounding Clayton Lee Waagner, who mailed hundreds of hoax anthrax letters to abortion clinics across the country, would-be terrorists are driving up the price of hoax anthrax. According to one supplier, who also produces fake vomit and phony dog-doo, the upsurge couldn't have come at a better time for the artificial nastiness industry. "Things were looking pretty grim", says the spokesman, "We were even considering switching over production to real vomit and dog-doo to boost sales." But since the arrest they have been producing faux anthrax around the clock.

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Posted: Mon Dec 31 2001
Economist Is The "In" Profession

Former Mechanic turned Economist John Farrell recently received his mail-order Economics degree and says things are looking up. “Oh, this is great!” reports the 47-year-old. “Did you know I don't actually have to know anything? With everyone panicking about the economy and their future, this job is a piece of cake! Just throw out a few 'Don't sell now, Save your money, Bonds are looking better, and Try Always Save macaroni and cheese, and people think you're a genius.” Asked what his advice would be when the economy does start to turn around, Farrell quickly stated he's hanging onto his Dodge repair manuals. _
--Suzanne Fontannadanna

Posted: Mon Nov 19 2001
HYMEN Splits, Stockholder Blamed

Stockholders the world over were shocked yesterday when the telecommunications giant HYMEN was divided in two, raising suspicions among shareholders as to the guilty party. "I have invested with HYMEN for close to 15 years, now that it is no longer one, pure company, I don't think I'll stay with them," says one noticeably agitated investor.

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Posted: Sun Nov 4 2001
Bartenders, D.A.R.E. Join Forces

In an unprecedented joint venture, the American Bartending Association has joined up with D.A.R.E to help end drug use in America.

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Posted: Sun Nov 4 2001
Lawsuit Centers Around Capitalization

The e e cummings estate is suing a local college student for copyright infringement. The suit involves publications by c c lynne, who uses no capitalization in her writings. Lynne has issued the following statement through her attorney: im not copying him yes ive learned from his work but have expanded the concept i don't even use punctuation all that grammar crap is overrated and im thinking about eliminatingspacestoo _
--Suzanne Fontannadanna

Posted: Sun Oct 28 2001
Condit/Netscape Suspected In Attacks On WTC

Netscape, an internet browser competing with Microsoft's Internet Explorer, and Gary Condit, the embattled congressman, are the prime suspect in the WTC attacks.

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Posted: Sat Oct 13 2001
"Crazy Hat Day" Fails To Produce Expected Jovial Atmosphere

The event, envisioned by the Human Resources department as "an exercise in mood-lightening", was spoiled by what HR President Tammie Kelly referred to as "low participation among cynical office workers." _

Posted: Wed Sep 26 2001
Recession Not Likely To Be Avoided By Buying Porn

In an effort to bolster a struggling US economy, a grass-roots effort to revitalize it was begun yesterday.

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Posted: Wed Sep 26 2001
Inter-office Memo Intercepted From Giant Software Firm

The following confidential internal memo was intercepted by an OnlineNewspaper Gazette insider.

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Posted: Mon Sep 17 2001
Sherwin-Williams & Smith And Wesson Collaborate

In a recent corporate merger Smith and Wesson Firearms announced a joint venture with Sherwin-Williams Paints for the creation of a paintball tank. The new fun weapon will fire gallon paint-can mortar shells, and can create heavy carnage over 40 square yards, though an additional volley may be applied as needed. News of additional advances in the field of paintballing was met with intense protests, as the French contingent of S-W-S-W announced plans to conduct underwater testing of a version deploying 5-gallon drums of latex. _

Posted: Sun Sep 9 2001
Tampax: Rags To Riches

Due to lagging sales, Tampax president Cotton Picker recently unveiled a company sponsored sweepstakes to boost across the board gains. Dubbing the contest "Rags to Riches," Picker hopes to someday achieve the random mailing success of Publishers' Clearinghouse. "What we're trying to say here is that tampons are for everyone, not just bleeding women.

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Posted: Sat Sep 8 2001
Fortune To Be Made Selling Religion

Entrepreneur Hugh Hendricks is cashing in on the bounty of The Lord by reselling religious tracts. "It's like manna from heaven!", He beams.

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Posted: Wed Aug 22 2001
Web Use In The Workplace Off The Rise.

A local Computer Engineer, Jimmy Spencer, spent a whole day at work working, and is upset about it.

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Posted: Thu Aug 9 2001
Local Man Sued By Napster

Local resident Jack Knapster recently tried to open a free online mp3 site, but ran into legal problems with the MP3 giant.

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Posted: Thu Aug 9 2001
Shoe Sues Khaki Over Ownership Of Sale

Misuse of apostrophe puts Shoe on rampage

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Posted: Tue Aug 14 2001
Push Comes To SHUV

Some 60% of all new car sales last year were Sports Utility Vehicles or SUVs. The popularity seems to stem from the roominess and the feeling of power that comes from driving the bulky vehicles. But all of that seems like childs play to Ernie Heinlichter. For the past 3 years Ernie has made the 15 mile commute to and from work in his Leibherr PR721 bulldozer.

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Posted: Sun Jul 22 2001
Man Strikes Blow Against Tyranny Of Monopoly

Anti-corporate activist Phil Davis, frustrated by recent reversals in antitrust litigation, has come up with a strategy to fight the oppressive tactics of giant multinational corporations:

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Posted: Wed Jun 6 2001
Ford, Firestone End 100 Year Relationship

After almost a century of a happy, loving relationship, Ford dumped Firestone, and is looking to play the field.

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Posted: Sun Jul 15 2001
Fortune 5000 Business Man Advises: "Buy Low, Sell High"

Kansas businessman Ted Barley, who owns several businesses ranked in the top 5000 in the state, offers advice to those just starting out. "Many people find the stock market confusing," says Barley, "in all honesty, so do I. I think the secret might be to buy a low-priced stock, and then sell it when the price goes up. I know it sounds crazy, but who knows?" _