Posted: Mon Jan 14 2002
Fox To Unveil More Numbered Shows

Spurred on by the success of its runaway hit series "That '70s Show" and the fanfare surrounding its upcoming "That '80s Show", Fox has announced plans to develop a series for each and every decade in the last one hundred years.

Full Text...

Posted: Mon Jan 14 2002
President Attacked By Angry Pole

President Bush began the new year with a hint of danger Tuesday when he was attacked by a pole that was apparently upset over foreign policy.

Full Text...

Posted: Mon Jan 14 2002
Equalizer Minutely Adjusted, Incredible Sound Achieved

For years Shawnee Kansas resident Dave Johnson had been moving those little sliders up and down, with little or no effect on sound quality. But then, this last weekend, Johnson stumbled across a setting which, in his words, "sounded really good." .

Posted: Mon Jan 14 2002
Senior Officials Picking On Freshman Officials

In a recent Whitehouse press conference, Senior officials stated that the incoming class of freshmen officials are nothing but a bunch of dweebs, geeks, and wannabees. In spite of the negative comments, most of the freshmen officials still look up to the seniors, and each individual freshmen feels that he or she is the exception to the rule. .

Posted: Mon Jan 14 2002
Local Man Keeps Glancing At Tits, Ass

Several local women have reported numerous instances of Kansas resident Thomas Levy making furtive and possibly sidelong glances at their breasts.

Full Text...

Posted: Mon Jan 14 2002
Chilidog Closes NYSE Early

When what was thought to be the closing horn of the New York Stock Exchange sounded above the din of the trading floor Thursday trading stopped and the traders began tallying their losses and gains as usual.

Full Text...

Posted: Mon Jan 14 2002
World's Oldest Man Title Up For Grabs

Most people learned of the death of the "World's Oldest Man", the 112 year old Antonio Todde, with at least a little sadness, but local man Hubert Morgan was very pleased indeed. "With that drooling idiot out of the way it's clear sailing from here on out."

Full Text...

Posted: Mon Jan 14 2002
Lever 2000 Under Investigation

In a move that stunned the soap world, the Justice Department today announced it would begin an immediate investigation into the product Lever 2000. Investigators will be looking into allegations that there do not exist 2000 body parts. Investigators expect a quick review and a speedy resolution.

Full Text...

Posted: Mon Jan 14 2002
Santa Claus Wants Spotlight Back

The jolly old man isn't so jolly. In fact, he seems to be downright jealous. It seems he's gone the way of Condit and bellbottoms for the second time, and he's not happy about it.

Full Text...

Posted: Mon Jan 14 2002
Americans Seek Fluffier Bread, Fancier Circuses

After the momentous events of the past year, Americans are finding it increasingly difficult to get their fill on today's low-key sensationalism.

Full Text...

Posted: Mon Jan 14 2002
P Diddy, Kid Rock To Finance New Charity

Psychiatrists estimate that nearly 70% of children age 8 to 17 suffer from low self-esteem. Cures are known to exist, but their high cost and side effects have always meant very few children ever receive treatment. But now, thanks to a few well-egoed artists, that may all be changing.

Full Text...

Posted: Mon Jan 14 2002
Residents Disappointed With Snow Cleanup

Once the week-long snowfall stopped dumping over 7 feet of snow on Buffalo New York, crews of city and state workers along with a number of chain-gangs got to work digging the city out. Even private citizens did their part by flinging mounds of snow off of their driveways and into the driveways of neighbors.

Full Text...