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The Meek to be cut out of Earth's will
Mortician fired for thinking outside the box
Man almost inspired by exercise commercial.
Illustrator accidentally leaves Waldo out of drawing, Thousands of children driven insane.
Vatican: "Pope is really, really old"
PBS admits Antiques Roadshow really boring.
Hasbro scraps plans for new "Lower GI Joe" action figure.
Guy in waiting room tells life story, others entranced.
Pascal's wager still unpopular in Vegas.
Current:
China Explodes In Nuclear Fireball, Snipers Face Uncertain Charges
Not A Lot Of Eye Contact At Andes Crash Survivors Reunion
Cow Shit Found To Be "100% Organic"
Everybody's Just Too Sensitive
Mediocre Musician
Five New Religious Denominations Created
No One Talking About Failed Wonder Diet
Offbeat: Man Dies In Humorous, Painful Accident
Sun Oct 28 2001
Posted: Sun Oct 28 2001
WTC Attacked! US At War!
This exclusive OnlineNewspaper Gazette story comes after learning that sharks still live in the Atlantic Ocean and the Chandra Levy is still missing.
Returning from my extended stay in Florida causing, I mean covering, the latest news on shark attack victims, this reporter has learned that terrorists have hijacked four planes, two of which were crashed into the WTC, another into the Pentagon, and another somewhere in Pennsylvania nobody cares about. More shocking yet, in the wake of all this, anthrax containing letters are apparently being mailed to high profile government officials and media members. This story threatens to do away with an assumed alliance entered into by reporters over the summer to only cover stories containing sharks and/or Chandra Levy. This reporter proposes a compromise: stop going after Osama bin Laden, and concentrate on the real victims/culprits here - the sharks. .
--Chris Famunda
WTC Attacked! US At War!
This exclusive OnlineNewspaper Gazette story comes after learning that sharks still live in the Atlantic Ocean and the Chandra Levy is still missing.
Returning from my extended stay in Florida causing, I mean covering, the latest news on shark attack victims, this reporter has learned that terrorists have hijacked four planes, two of which were crashed into the WTC, another into the Pentagon, and another somewhere in Pennsylvania nobody cares about. More shocking yet, in the wake of all this, anthrax containing letters are apparently being mailed to high profile government officials and media members. This story threatens to do away with an assumed alliance entered into by reporters over the summer to only cover stories containing sharks and/or Chandra Levy. This reporter proposes a compromise: stop going after Osama bin Laden, and concentrate on the real victims/culprits here - the sharks. .
--Chris Famunda
Posted: Sun Oct 28 2001
Bush Pleased With War On Terrorism. Considers Other Wars.
President Bush told reporters at a news conference Tuesday that he was "very pleased and gratified" with the sweeping legislation that his War on TerrorismTM is bringing about. "As a nation we made great headway with the War on DrugsTM and this shows the potential of being even usefuller."
Full Text...
Bush Pleased With War On Terrorism. Considers Other Wars.
President Bush told reporters at a news conference Tuesday that he was "very pleased and gratified" with the sweeping legislation that his War on TerrorismTM is bringing about. "As a nation we made great headway with the War on DrugsTM and this shows the potential of being even usefuller."
Full Text...
Posted: Sun Oct 28 2001
The Stars At War
It is a sure sign of how much the WTC attacks have stirred American patriotism that so many in the entertainment industry, long the bastion of anti-establishment rhetoric, are now pitching in to help bring about victory in the War on Terrorism®.
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The Stars At War
It is a sure sign of how much the WTC attacks have stirred American patriotism that so many in the entertainment industry, long the bastion of anti-establishment rhetoric, are now pitching in to help bring about victory in the War on Terrorism®.
Full Text...
Posted: Sun Oct 28 2001
Domestic Terrorists Being Left Behind
After the unprecidented success of the recent attacks by foreigners, domestic terrorists are worried about the future of home-grown terrorism.
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Domestic Terrorists Being Left Behind
After the unprecidented success of the recent attacks by foreigners, domestic terrorists are worried about the future of home-grown terrorism.
Full Text...
Posted: Sun Oct 28 2001
Condit/Netscape Suspected In Attacks On WTC
Netscape, an internet browser competing with Microsoft's Internet Explorer, and Gary Condit, the embattled congressman, are the prime suspect in the WTC attacks.
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Condit/Netscape Suspected In Attacks On WTC
Netscape, an internet browser competing with Microsoft's Internet Explorer, and Gary Condit, the embattled congressman, are the prime suspect in the WTC attacks.
Full Text...
Posted: Sun Oct 28 2001
Bush Pissed
After being told by the American Red Cross that they had received a little over $580,000 from children answering his call to help the children of Afghanistan President Bush lashed out at the youth of America calling them "tight fisted brats" and "spoiled, selfish little bastards". "There was a day when I could draft the little freaks!" He is reported to have raged. "Now I have to beg for a god damned dollar and they won't give it!"
Full Text...
Bush Pissed
After being told by the American Red Cross that they had received a little over $580,000 from children answering his call to help the children of Afghanistan President Bush lashed out at the youth of America calling them "tight fisted brats" and "spoiled, selfish little bastards". "There was a day when I could draft the little freaks!" He is reported to have raged. "Now I have to beg for a god damned dollar and they won't give it!"
Full Text...
Posted: Sun Oct 28 2001
Size Of Flag Correlated With Penis Size
The flag you are flying even as you are reading this is making a statement about your genitals. Is your neighbor's flag bigger than yours? Jealous? You should be. A recent study has revealed that there is a direct link between the size of respondents penises and the size, but not number, of the flags they are displaying. This study also has indicated that women who choose to display their patriotism by flying flags have Freudian flag envy. .
--Chris Famunda
Size Of Flag Correlated With Penis Size
The flag you are flying even as you are reading this is making a statement about your genitals. Is your neighbor's flag bigger than yours? Jealous? You should be. A recent study has revealed that there is a direct link between the size of respondents penises and the size, but not number, of the flags they are displaying. This study also has indicated that women who choose to display their patriotism by flying flags have Freudian flag envy. .
--Chris Famunda
Posted: Sun Oct 28 2001
Editors Well Aware Of Irony Of So Many Anthrax Stories Appearing In Paper
The editors of the OnlineNewspaper Gazette, in an effort to prevent a flood of emails (none of which will probably contain anthrax) are aware that it is highly ironic for so many stories about anthrax to appear in this issue, since the subject of many of these articles is the preponderance of anthrax stories in the media. .
--Chris Famunda
Editors Well Aware Of Irony Of So Many Anthrax Stories Appearing In Paper
The editors of the OnlineNewspaper Gazette, in an effort to prevent a flood of emails (none of which will probably contain anthrax) are aware that it is highly ironic for so many stories about anthrax to appear in this issue, since the subject of many of these articles is the preponderance of anthrax stories in the media. .
--Chris Famunda
Posted: Sun Oct 28 2001
New Generation Hoping To Avoid Being Named Until After Conflict
Russel Davis, the new Generation's spokesman, warned trend spotters and social historians "to wait a year or so" before applying any name. "We don't want any crap-name like 'X' or 'Next', and we definately don't want our name to be 'Children of 11', 'Generation Terror" or anything related to terrorism, anthrax, or George W Bush." .
New Generation Hoping To Avoid Being Named Until After Conflict
Russel Davis, the new Generation's spokesman, warned trend spotters and social historians "to wait a year or so" before applying any name. "We don't want any crap-name like 'X' or 'Next', and we definately don't want our name to be 'Children of 11', 'Generation Terror" or anything related to terrorism, anthrax, or George W Bush." .
Posted: Sun Oct 28 2001
Americans Urged To Overreact Calmly
U.S. Attorney General John Ashcroft has told Americans to keep alert in the aftermath of the September 11 terrorist attacks and report anything suspicious to law enforcement agencies. He went on to say "Please, don't get all panicky: live your lives as normal, just don't open any of your mail. Oh yeah, and never answer the door." .
Americans Urged To Overreact Calmly
U.S. Attorney General John Ashcroft has told Americans to keep alert in the aftermath of the September 11 terrorist attacks and report anything suspicious to law enforcement agencies. He went on to say "Please, don't get all panicky: live your lives as normal, just don't open any of your mail. Oh yeah, and never answer the door." .
Posted: Sun Oct 28 2001
Surge In Patriotism Linked To "God Bless The USA"
Spurred by the recent increase in acts of patriotism, a jointly appointed House committee has determined that the recent surge in patriotism and religiosity is caused by Lee Greenwood's hit "God Bless the USA".
Full Text...
Surge In Patriotism Linked To "God Bless The USA"
Spurred by the recent increase in acts of patriotism, a jointly appointed House committee has determined that the recent surge in patriotism and religiosity is caused by Lee Greenwood's hit "God Bless the USA".
Full Text...
Posted: Sun Oct 28 2001
Nation Gripped By Terrah
President Bush today announced that the US was in the midst of an act of terrah, threatening to mispronounce more words until those responsible were "got running and brought to justice." This reporter questions why these two steps are necessary. Wouldn't it be better to keep them where they're at so as to bring them to justice? I'm no expert on the military police, or the military, for that matter, but having seen police in action, both on Cops and in various movies, I'm pretty much sure that the only chance the police have to bring those responsible to justice is if they voluntarily turn themselves in. .
--Chris Famunda
Nation Gripped By Terrah
President Bush today announced that the US was in the midst of an act of terrah, threatening to mispronounce more words until those responsible were "got running and brought to justice." This reporter questions why these two steps are necessary. Wouldn't it be better to keep them where they're at so as to bring them to justice? I'm no expert on the military police, or the military, for that matter, but having seen police in action, both on Cops and in various movies, I'm pretty much sure that the only chance the police have to bring those responsible to justice is if they voluntarily turn themselves in. .
--Chris Famunda
Posted: Sun Oct 28 2001
Reporter Jealous Of Brokaw And Rather
In light of the recent anthrax letters sent to Tom Brokaw and Dan Rather, this reporter is envious of the two. Is the OnlineNewspaper Gazette not good enough for an anthrax letter? Is it because we're not on TV? To any domestic or international terrorists considerate enough to relieve us of our lack of anthrax containing letters, please note that emailed or faxed anthrax is not very effective. .
--Chris Famunda
Reporter Jealous Of Brokaw And Rather
In light of the recent anthrax letters sent to Tom Brokaw and Dan Rather, this reporter is envious of the two. Is the OnlineNewspaper Gazette not good enough for an anthrax letter? Is it because we're not on TV? To any domestic or international terrorists considerate enough to relieve us of our lack of anthrax containing letters, please note that emailed or faxed anthrax is not very effective. .
--Chris Famunda
Posted: Sun Oct 28 2001
Freedom Of The Press Voluntarily Suspended To Permit Only Stories About Anthrax
In a unanimous agreement among reporters today, a decision allowing only stories and television news coverage about anthrax was agreed on. This agreement, first sought over the summer to provide breaking news coverage of only Gary Condit and sharks, has finally become reality over a month after the terrorist attacks. .
--Chris Famunda
Freedom Of The Press Voluntarily Suspended To Permit Only Stories About Anthrax
In a unanimous agreement among reporters today, a decision allowing only stories and television news coverage about anthrax was agreed on. This agreement, first sought over the summer to provide breaking news coverage of only Gary Condit and sharks, has finally become reality over a month after the terrorist attacks. .
--Chris Famunda
Posted: Sun Oct 28 2001
Security Increases At Public Offices
The long standing threat of mauradering bear attacks at state office buildings has finally been minimalized. Park Rangers now guard Missouri State buildings; and while figures of reported terrorist activities remain stable, incidents of swiped pic-i-nic baskets have experienced a marked decline. It should be noted that the rangers are fully authorized to remove all metalic objects from any game animals entering the building, as well as to insist politely but firmly that all air traffic avoid the upper expanses of the structures. .
--Norma Kletoris
Security Increases At Public Offices
The long standing threat of mauradering bear attacks at state office buildings has finally been minimalized. Park Rangers now guard Missouri State buildings; and while figures of reported terrorist activities remain stable, incidents of swiped pic-i-nic baskets have experienced a marked decline. It should be noted that the rangers are fully authorized to remove all metalic objects from any game animals entering the building, as well as to insist politely but firmly that all air traffic avoid the upper expanses of the structures. .
--Norma Kletoris
Posted: Sun Oct 28 2001
Dinh Comment Draws Fire
Numerous phone calls and emails have lead Assistant Attorney General Viet Dinh to retract a statement that he made earlier to CNN.
Full Text...
Dinh Comment Draws Fire
Numerous phone calls and emails have lead Assistant Attorney General Viet Dinh to retract a statement that he made earlier to CNN.
Full Text...
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