Posted: Sat Oct 13 2001
Robertson/Graham Ticket To Oppose God In Next Election

Pat Robertson and Billy Graham announced today that they will run against God for his position, on the platform "it's about damn time." The announcement comes in the wake of the September 11 attacks, which were facilitated by the incumbent God as a warning to heathens, gays, and Jews.

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Posted: Sat Oct 13 2001
DNA Sequenced, Researchers Admit "Just A Joke"

Researchers today announced that now that the human genome was sequenced, it was time to tell the public they "made it all up." This shocking announcement came today from a press release from the private contractors who did the sequencing. Not only is the human sequence made up, the researchers contend, the nature (and even the name) of deoxyribonucleic acid (DNA) is a farce. "We are very surprised people believed this crap for as long as they have," says one scientist, "I mean really, four bases?" .
--Chris Famunda

Posted: Sat Oct 13 2001
Local Woman Aroused By Mr. Goodcents Mascot

Local resident Lisa Mufflin shocked her prayer group Wednesday by revealing her long standing fetish with the anthropomorphic penny and restaurant chain mascot Mr. Goodcent. "She brought it up as a prayer request" Says pastor Harlan Shuck. "But not for the Lord to rid her of this strange compulsion. She wanted us to ask God to arrange a meeting." Despite attempts to persuade her of the unnatural nature of her desires Ms. Mufflin remained adamant, resulting in her expulsion from the group.

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Posted: Sat Oct 13 2001
Fans Come To Blows With Foam Hands

Blows were struck at last Sunday's football game by two rival fans with their team logo foam hands. Neither fan was injured. .
--Biff Spiffalot

Posted: Sat Oct 13 2001
Local Devil's Advocacy Program Started

It's been a dream long-held by Sally Montero: To offer opposing views to others and get paid for it. Now that dream is becoming a reality. Montero has received a university grant and will open for business shortly after first of the year, January first.

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Posted: Sat Oct 13 2001
Dentist Shunned By Peers
Dentist banned from recent high-level talks between the dental community and chewing gum manufacturers.

Phil Carey, a leading dentist in Chicago, was asked to leave the conference under less than friendly terms after he refused to go along with the group in recommending chewing Trident brand chewing gum after meals.

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Posted: Sat Oct 13 2001
"Crazy Hat Day" Fails To Produce Expected Jovial Atmosphere

The event, envisioned by the Human Resources department as "an exercise in mood-lightening", was spoiled by what HR President Tammie Kelly referred to as "low participation among cynical office workers." .

Posted: Sat Oct 13 2001
President Warns Of Bin Laden Giving Backstreet Encoded Orders Boys In Press Releases

President Bush urged media N outlets not to relay anything said by Osama bin Laden, out of fears secret orders to terrorist organizations located sync here in the United States and around concert the world may be relayed as well. This announcement comes in the wake of a widely televised statement by bin Laden calling please for Muslims around the world to unite in his attack fight against the United States. It is a sign of the global age we live in when the supposed enemy of the United States can, within the same hour, make a statement and have it broadcast worldwide .
--Chris Famunda

Posted: Sat Oct 13 2001
WTC Trucker Denies Mafia Connection

Dear Editor:

This is to protest the vagrant lies being purported about the mafia being connected to the trucks that misappropriated a small portion of the World Trade Center debris for resale as souvenirs.

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Posted: Sat Oct 13 2001
War Of Words

A war on terrorism, America's new war, The first war of the 21st century, The Special Ops war: The US finds itself groping for words to describe this fight we find ourselves in. But one thing is perfectly clear - it's also a war of words. Nouns, specifically. Proper nouns, more specifically.

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Posted: Sat Oct 13 2001
Amazing But True - No Innocent Men In Afghanistan

FoxNews recently interviewed an expert who declared that each time the U.S. attacks Afghanistan, innocent women and children would be injured and killed.

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Posted: Sat Oct 13 2001
Technology Shocker: Tiny X10 Camera Used To See Women Nude!

By now anyone who uses the Internet has seen them. Sneaky pop-up ads for the amazing X-10 Camera. Annoying advertising to be sure, but the camera itself continues to appeal to the James Bond in every male who sees it--make that the James Bond AND Larry Flint.

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Posted: Sat Oct 13 2001
Every Other Country Sucks

There has been a lot of America bashing going on lately. Just a month ago, possible representatives from a Middle Eastern country ran some planes into the World Trade Center and the Pentagon. Also, China still probably hates us. Anyway, I think it's time to officially declare that every other country sucks.

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Posted: Sat Oct 13 2001
Half Of Americans Not In Top 50%

A recent poll revealed that over two-thirds of Americans are not in the top 50%. These shocking statistics reveal what the lower third has known all along: that they are not in the top half. This poll comes after indications that while fully 50% of Americans are at the top, a whopping half of all Americans are not. .
--Chris Famunda

Posted: Sat Oct 13 2001
Doctors Fear New Epidemic Spreading

Marlene Hazelton, a quiet, inconspicuous housewife, is suddenly at the center of attention in the search for a cure for a bizarre new disease. Feeling well beyond her 35 years, doctors have now determined she is actually aging in dog years.

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Posted: Sat Oct 13 2001
US To Target Larry King In Next Round Of Airstrikes

According to an October 10 CNN article, the Secretary of the Air Force, Dr. James G. Roche, is discussing the possibility of coalition forces attacking Larry King, most likely at 9 p.m. or 12 a.m. Eastern time.

The article, entitled "Secretary of the Air Force Dr. James G. Roche discusses U.S.-led airstrikes on Larry King Live, 9 p.m. and 12 a.m. EDT", said that while the vast majority of Americans approve of the attacks, King does not. .

Posted: Sat Oct 13 2001
English Language Wanted For Questioning

Officials say the English Language may be linked to several near fatal occurrences of misunderstanding and quite a lot of confusion. 34 year old Tony McHindle is the latest victim, who, while working with paint thinner, burst into flames when he stopped to light a cigarette.

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Posted: Sat Oct 13 2001
Cynical Reporter Conflicted About Upcoming Movie

After learning of the upcoming movie version of the popular Harry Potter series, OnlineNewspaper Gazette associate Jesse Vasquez found himself in a quandary.

On the one hand, he wanted to see the movie to spite those who think Harry Potter promotes evil and witchcraft. But on the other hand, he considered it to be crap. He eventually decided to wait "until it comes out on HBO." .

Posted: Sat Oct 13 2001
Bush To Catch 'That Wascally Osama'

President Bush, in a bid to appeal to younger Americans, has reverted to talking as if he were an Elmer Fudd/Yosemite Sam combination. Promising to “smoke them out of their holes”, “get them running”, and the fact that Osama is “wanted dead or alive”, should be enough to instill terror in the hearts of terrorists everywhere. Unbeknownst to Bush, though, is that his anvil on the head scheme planned for Osama can easily be thwarted by a miniature umbrella. .
--Chris Famunda