Posted: Mon Dec 31 2001
Santa's Sleigh Shot Down By Nervous Homeland Defender

Earl Davenport, a lieutenant in the Montana's Homeland Defense chapter, has admitted responsibility for bringing down Santa and his reindeer.

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Posted: Mon Dec 31 2001
Fortnightly Publication Considers Monthly Publishing

The critically acclaimed Online Newspaper Gazette is toying with the idea of switching to producing a monthly product. The editor-in-chief, who prefers to be called “Tom,” made this statement: “I'm just so tired all the time. This is a lot of work, ya know? And those stupid reporters I have to deal with … it's all very hard to explain.”

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Posted: Mon Dec 31 2001
Federal Health Officials Unveil Salad Bar Of The Future

The U.S. Department of Health and Human Services today unveiled a prototype salad bar that meets all Federal guidelines for food safety. "Companies were complaining that compliance with all rules was impossible so we embarked on this 3 year project to show them that it can be done." Say Millard Mufflin, lead engineer on the project dubbed "Project: Show Them That It Can be Done".

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Posted: Mon Dec 31 2001
Released Detainee Doesn't Hold Grudge

Mary Katherine Holtsmeier was released from a war-on-terror detention center today. She and her kids exchanged loving hugs. Then she sat down for an interview with us. She has forgiven her country for holding her. It was, she says, all for the greater good, as far as her captors knew. It just took a while for the government investigators to get around to her.

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Posted: Mon Dec 31 2001
Modern Youth Dub War "Not That Bad"

A recent survey conducted by the Presidents Council for the Determination of Young People's Attitudes and Ideas has revealed that the small minority of American youths that are aware that the US is at war find it not to be that bad a deal. The survey is part of a report released Thursday which also includes several interviews with young people about exactly how the war is affecting them.

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Posted: Mon Dec 31 2001
Rampaging Snuggle Bear Brought Down With Tranquilizer Gun

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Posted: Mon Dec 31 2001
Nutcracker Banned

Hope you saw the beautiful ballet The Nutcracker this Christmas season. If not, you may never get the chance. The Nutcracker has fallen victim to the Hate Crimes Commission, who recently banned all movie and show rights, effective 1/1/02. Although the ballet is relatively tame (or lame, depending on your viewpoint), the Commission felt the title could be offensive and could induce women's rights groups into hate crimes against men. The 8-member, all male commission released the following statement: “Nutcracker? That's horrible! Why give those damn crazy women any ideas?” In a related story, Martha Stewart and Betty Crocker are combining forces to keep their beloved candy recipes from falling prey to a proposal that would outlaw nut choppers. .
--Suzanne Fontannadanna

Posted: Mon Dec 31 2001
Hallmark Holiday Special To Feature Family Reunited For The Holidays
A review by Chris Famunda

Plot twists leave the audience guessing

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Posted: Mon Dec 31 2001
Economist Is The "In" Profession

Former Mechanic turned Economist John Farrell recently received his mail-order Economics degree and says things are looking up. “Oh, this is great!” reports the 47-year-old. “Did you know I don't actually have to know anything? With everyone panicking about the economy and their future, this job is a piece of cake! Just throw out a few 'Don't sell now, Save your money, Bonds are looking better, and Try Always Save macaroni and cheese, and people think you're a genius.” Asked what his advice would be when the economy does start to turn around, Farrell quickly stated he's hanging onto his Dodge repair manuals. .
--Suzanne Fontannadanna

Posted: Mon Dec 31 2001
Aspiring Terrorist Seeking Weapons Of Local Destruction

Authorities are now speculating that local terrorist Jeffery Gordon has plans to seek small destructive weapons such as cherry bombs and BB guns, and such biological agents as cold and herpes viruses. "Too many terrorists start out trying to rule the world," explains Gordon, "It's important to have realistic goals." .

Posted: Mon Dec 31 2001
Key To Happiness Found In Genes

Scientists discovered yesterday what some of us have known all along: our genes contain the secrets of happiness. No more will people have to look for relationships or material possessions in an attempt to produce enjoyment. Your genes, or more specifically, what's in your genes, can provide that enjoyment. .
--Chris Famunda

Posted: Mon Dec 31 2001
Old Atari Designers Propose Special Ops Equipment

A group of 5 designers who worked for the now defunct Atari are currently lobbying Washington to push their new designs for protective gear and offensive weapons to be used in clearing out the caves at Tora Bora.

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Posted: Mon Dec 31 2001
War On Terrorism To Target Kathy Lee Gifford, American People Rally Behind Plan

Bush's War on Terrorism has added former talk show host Kathy Lee Gifford to its list of targets, in an attempt to prevent any more made for TV movies or guest appearances. Given that the war on terrorism is expected to last several years, speedy results on the homefront-namely, the eradication of Gifford-were desperately needed to keep America interested, according to a White House spokesman. .
--Chris Famunda

Posted: Mon Dec 31 2001
Women Sued For Intercessory Prayer

Sheila Seagal did not take kindly to the news that her friends had been praying for her. In fact she is taking them to court. It all began several months ago when Sheila's husband Johnathon took a job in the nearby city of Wachiheebokata. Since then he has been living in a rented apartment and only returning on weekends. The couple plans to sell their house and both move to Wachiheebokata. The problem is that the house is not selling.

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Posted: Mon Dec 31 2001
Sales Of Hoax Anthrax On The Rise

Presumably spurred on by the publicity surrounding Clayton Lee Waagner, who mailed hundreds of hoax anthrax letters to abortion clinics across the country, would-be terrorists are driving up the price of hoax anthrax. According to one supplier, who also produces fake vomit and phony dog-doo, the upsurge couldn't have come at a better time for the artificial nastiness industry. "Things were looking pretty grim", says the spokesman, "We were even considering switching over production to real vomit and dog-doo to boost sales." But since the arrest they have been producing faux anthrax around the clock.

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Posted: Mon Dec 31 2001
Man Finds Out Friends Not Laughing With Him

Area resident Ralph Horbach was disappointed over the weekend when he learned his friends' laughter was directed towards him, not his zany misfortunes. Explains Horbach, "They would always laugh when bad things would happen to me, and I had always thought they were laughing with me in a good-natured manner, but over the last week or so I've come to realize they're really laughing at me and my pain." .

Posted: Mon Dec 31 2001
Business To Lay Off Joe Davis

In an effort to cut back on unnecessary expendatures, Jerry's Bar and Grill announced today plans to lay off grill-cleaner Joe Davis.

Joe, who has been working at Jerry's for almost 3 months, commented, "It's always the little guy. They never lay off those bigwigs leaches at the top."

The cutbacks are not expected to have much, if any, impact on the economy. .

Posted: Mon Dec 31 2001
Mission To Mars Delayed Because Of Budget Cuts, Martians

NASA, in wake of the September 11 attacks that drew much needed funding away from it's ongoing Mars exploration missions, has announced that a manned mission to Mars, originally scheduled for this decade, will now be delayed at least several years. The mission suffered setbacks early on when giant Martian driven walkers invaded earth and attacked with their heat rays, decimating the human race and most of the English countryside. Questions as to the purpose of the mission existed from the beginning, mostly from people being attacked by the giant walkers. .
--Chris Famunda

Posted: Mon Dec 31 2001
TheTruth.com Researchers Make Shocking Discovery

Researchers working at TheTruth.com's 'Center For Figuring Stuff Out' recently made an astounding discovery: Smoking is bad for you.

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