Posted: Sun Sep 29 2002
Jordan To Play Another Season With The Wizards, Syria Remains Noncommital

Jordan, one of the most progressive countries in the Middle East, has agreed to sign on for one more season with the Washington Wizards.

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Posted: Mon Sep 2 2002
Apparently There Won't Be A Baseball Strike

Baseball owners and players apparently reached a compromise and so there won't be a strike. According to a MLB spokesman, the settlement allows both players and owners to get a shitload of cash. Baseball fans are expected to keep paying everyone's salary by paying $40 a ticket and/or watching all 3 mindnumbing hours on TV. These fans are also expected to be surprised and outraged again next year when owners and players begin fighting over the billions of dollars fans have willingly given them. _

Posted: Wed May 29 2002
Steroid Use Among Sports Stars Rampant, Says Steroid Using Sports Star

Former major leaguer Ken Caminiti says he was on steroids when he won the National League MVP in 1996. Caminiti, who has also been arrested for cocaine possession in a crack house and has been an alcoholic for years, credits steroids with helping his career and says steroid use and drug abuse in baseball are extremely common among the sport's elite players. Theantidrug.com has decided to pull its long running "Sports are my anti-drug" commercials until they can find sports figures who have used drugs and failed. _

Posted: Sun Feb 24 2002
Curling Invented Just To Piss Off Hockey Fans

The increasing popularity of the Scottish sport of curling and it subsequent introduction to the winter Olympics has many fans of more traditional sports upset. It now seems that this was the plan all along.

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Posted: Sun Feb 10 2002
Local Sports Fan Thinks He's On The Team

"Ever since the superbowl, he's suffered from the delusion that he's a member of the St Louis Rams Football team," says Maggie Helmes, wife of local sports fan Jerry Helmes. Jerry's earliest symptoms came in the form of misused pronouns like "we were so close" and "we should have made that" when referring to actions seen on the television, and have slowly progressed to the point that he actually thinks he's on the team. "He's got flags, stickers, helmets, jerseys, footballs, and even a 'IMA RAM' license plate, but it's the Rams jockstrap that bugs me the most," says Maggie. _

Posted: Sun Dec 02 2001
Winter Olympics Delayed Because Of Massive Anthrax Contamination

The Winter Olympics scheduled for this February have been indefinitely delayed because of the discovery, by maintenance personnel, of a massive anthrax contamination at the sites of both the downhill and slalom events. "The amount of anthrax found thus far on the east coast pales in comparison to the amount we've found on the slopes of just one of our mountains," a local official says. Forecasts call for more anthrax by the scheduled start of the games. _
--Chris Famunda

Posted: Mon Nov 19 2001
Parents All Think Their Child's Team Won Tie Game

On December 19 2000, The Tiger Cubs were on their way to victory over their long-time rivals when The Panther Cubs managed to make a last minute run to tie the game. After several more innings with neither team able to score, a "sudden death" round was held, in which The Panther Cubs managed to score a hit, winning the game and the regional title.

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Posted: Sun Nov 4 2001
Bonds Breaks Record, McGwire Outraged

Barry Bonds has broken another Mark McGwire record. This time, McGwire is pissed. "Hitting lots of home runs is one thing, but this time it was my favorite ABBA record," said McGwire, holding back tears. "At least he left my Bay City Rollers collection alone. But see if I ever invite him over again." _
--Suzanne Fontannadanna

Posted: Sat Oct 13 2001
Fans Come To Blows With Foam Hands

Blows were struck at last Sunday's football game by two rival fans with their team logo foam hands. Neither fan was injured. _
--Biff Spiffalot

Posted: Wed Aug 22 2001
Underdog Team Plays In The Big Game In New Sports Movie.

An avant gaurd Hollywood director takes a chance on a sports movie with a surprising ending.

The film, titled 'Remember the Mighty Replacement Titan Ducks', takes place in the small backwatery town of Kismiarse, Wisconson where a group of misfit athletes who are used to defeat find themselves in a slow, but steady, comeback season due to the efforts of a washed-up but surprisingly charismatic coach.

Due out in September, the film is bound to be a boxoffice smash with 4-10 year olds. _

Posted: Wed Aug 22 2001
Trend Related Injuries On The Rise

Chad Tunkin, a 35 year old bank teller from Tulsa Oklahoma, recently tried to upgrade his image by becoming "more like those Mountain Dew guys."

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Posted: Thu Aug 9 2001
Sports Star Tells Fans 'Get A Life'

At a rally yesterday held in his honor, football superstar Craig "Muff Daddy" Monterra surprised everyone present by speaking rationally and to the point. "You are all taking this much too seriously." he said as his voice echoed across the full-to-capacity stadium.

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Posted: Thu Aug 9 2001
Scores From The Past Week

Sports scores roundup.

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