Posted: Thu Aug 9 2001
Sports Star Tells Fans 'Get A Life'

At a rally yesterday held in his honor, football superstar Craig "Muff Daddy" Monterra surprised everyone present by speaking rationally and to the point. "You are all taking this much too seriously." he said as his voice echoed across the full-to-capacity stadium.

The crowd laughed and some yelled 'woo' while waving their fists in the air, (commonly understood as a sign of approval to sports fans everywhere*). But then he shocked the entire stadium into silence by continuing "no, really, your placing far too much importance on this. It's just a stupid game."

Mable Cowtipper of Bloughmee Montana walked and hitch-hiked over 2000 miles to attend the rally. "I named my first born Craig in his honor, I named my daughter Muff in his honor, I painted my house in his team colors, I cry out his name during sex, and I had his jersey number tattooed across my back and now he tells me I'm taking this too seriously?" Her bottom lip quivers. Her tears make her mascara run down her cheeks in dark black streaks reminiscent of Alice Cooper. Her voice cracks as I ask her how she felt when Craig said that focusing so much energy on sports had made them all shallow and inarticulate? "Fuck him!"

"I was devastated and shit" said a distraught fan, later. "It was like, you know, Fuck!" and then he broke into tears.

"It was a very cruel thing to do to these people", said Herman Klien, one of the 37 psychologists brought in after the rally as part of the local Special Mental Trauma Unit. "The sports crowd is not used to having actual information transmitted to them from sports figures. He definitely should have stuck to something standard." Herman then was called away by a 400 pound bruiser, his body painted entirely in the Kansas Turd-Kickers team colors of green and mauve, crying so hard that he was drooling into his beer.

Herman and the other psychologists of the SMTU will be doing their best to heal the hurting, but will these people ever be able to forgive?

"If he had killed someone, or raped a girl, or hell, even raped a guy, that I could understand and forgive." Says one shaken fan. "But this shit just...Fuck!"

Mr. Monterra was unavailable for comment.

-- Phillip Matanka

[*The origin of the practice of loudly saying 'woo' while waving the fist in the air is currently a matter of some controversy. Sports fans, frat boys, and Arsenio Hall all currently claim to have invented the behavior. There are many legal battles being raged for rites to the behavior and millions of dollars in royalty payments hang in the balance. This story should not be construed as supporting any of these claims in any way. --editor]