Posted: Sun Oct 27 2002
Cow Shit Found To Be "100% Organic"

America's fertilizer producers are gearing up to take advantage of the USDA's revamped rules for organic products. Under the new rules, manufacturers can label their products "organic" if they don't use pesticides, biotechnology, antibiotics, irradiation, or growth hormones. "This is a proud day for the bovine feces industry," says Bovine Feces Industry president Martha Benton, "we can finally let the public know that our cow shit is 100% organic." The new rules also apply to several other items, including dog shit, cat shit, horse shit, decaying road kill, and food for humans. _

Posted: Sun Sep 29 2002
Tap Dancing Still Gay, Say Experts

The latest results from an extensive 10 year study show that, despite periodic resurgences in popularity, tap dancing remains firmly in the "gay" category.

The study, run by the Dance Coolology department at UCLA, found tap dancing to be "really, really gay, even when really cool black guys with kick-ass dreadlocks do it." _

Posted: Mon Sep 2 2002
New Group Hopes To Break Monopoly On Gravity Theory

A Georgia group calling itself Teachers for Equal Time has asked that stickers be placed in all new physics textbooks which note that mutual attraction and relativity are not the only theories available to explain gravity and should not be taken as fact.

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Posted: Mon Sep 2 2002
Jazz Fusion Band Explodes In A Shower Of Gamma Rays, High Energy Particles

Local experimental Jazz fusion band, Miles High Club, known for their unique combination of atmospheric jazz, classical music, hardcore rap, and sea shanties, may have inadvertently solved the world's energy needs.

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Posted: Mon Jul 22 2002
Apple Running Out Of Macintosh Users For "Switch" Commercials

In a surprise announcement, Apple CEO Steve Jobs said Friday that Kansas resident Carmen Inez is the only Macintosh user that hasn't starred in one of the new Mac "switch" commercials.

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Posted: Mon Jun 24 2002
Astronauts Break 'Floating Around And Wasting A Lot Of Money' Record

Astronauts Daniel Bursch and Carl Walz have spent a US-record-breaking 194 days floating around in a metal box in orbit around the Earth. The previous metal-box-floating US record, set in 1996, was 188 days. .

Posted: Mon Jun 24 2002
Astronauts Break 'Floating Around And Wasting A Lot Of Money' Record

Astronauts Daniel Bursch and Carl Walz have spent a US-record-breaking 194 days floating around in a metal box in orbit around the Earth. The previous metal-box-floating US record, set in 1996, was 188 days. _

Posted: Mon Jun 24 2002
Tiny Asteroid Appears Enormous In CNN Graphic

A June 21 CNN story broke the news of an asteroid that came within 75,000 miles of the Earth. Though the asteroid was only around 100 meters in diameter, the accompanying graphic showed an object roughly the size of the moon smashing into the Earth and obliterating much of the planet.

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Posted: Wed May 29 2002
Tingling Spidey Senses Actually Brain Tumor Early Warning Sign

An early warning sign for brain tumors may be found in reports of tingling spidey senses, according to a study released today in the Journal of the American Medical Association.

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Posted: Sun May 19 2002
Bush Hopes Cloning Ban Will Prevent Future Science Fiction Movie Plots

The President has asked the Senate to forbid the cloning of human embryos either for research or reproductive purposes, saying any reason for human cloning would be unethical, and may bring about scary things he's seen in movies.

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Posted: Sun May 19 2002
Americans "Really Fucking Dumb" Says Report

Few in America understand science and the scientific method, and most Americans are willing to believe pretty much anything for no reason whatsoever, according to a new phone survey by the National Science Foundation.

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Posted: Sun Mar 10 2002
Ohio Legislators Consider The Teaching Of Scientific Alternatives

Two bills before the the Ohio Legislature would allow scientific alternatives to be taught in the state's public schools.

State Senator Jim Jordan is sponsoring the first bill in the hopes of "leveling the playing field" and allowing alternative scientific theories to be taught on an equal basis with more established theories.

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Posted: Sun Feb 10 2002
Physicist Getting A "F-Particle"

Physicists at the world renowned Fermilab have stumbled onto a new method of determining the secrets of the universe.

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Posted: Mon Jan 14 2002
Equalizer Minutely Adjusted, Incredible Sound Achieved

For years Shawnee Kansas resident Dave Johnson had been moving those little sliders up and down, with little or no effect on sound quality. But then, this last weekend, Johnson stumbled across a setting which, in his words, "sounded really good." _

Posted: Mon Dec 31 2001
Federal Health Officials Unveil Salad Bar Of The Future

The U.S. Department of Health and Human Services today unveiled a prototype salad bar that meets all Federal guidelines for food safety. "Companies were complaining that compliance with all rules was impossible so we embarked on this 3 year project to show them that it can be done." Say Millard Mufflin, lead engineer on the project dubbed "Project: Show Them That It Can be Done".

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Posted: Mon Dec 31 2001
Mission To Mars Delayed Because Of Budget Cuts, Martians

NASA, in wake of the September 11 attacks that drew much needed funding away from it's ongoing Mars exploration missions, has announced that a manned mission to Mars, originally scheduled for this decade, will now be delayed at least several years. The mission suffered setbacks early on when giant Martian driven walkers invaded earth and attacked with their heat rays, decimating the human race and most of the English countryside. Questions as to the purpose of the mission existed from the beginning, mostly from people being attacked by the giant walkers. _
--Chris Famunda

Posted: Mon Dec 31 2001
Key To Happiness Found In Genes

Scientists discovered yesterday what some of us have known all along: our genes contain the secrets of happiness. No more will people have to look for relationships or material possessions in an attempt to produce enjoyment. Your genes, or more specifically, what's in your genes, can provide that enjoyment. _
--Chris Famunda

Posted: Sun Dec 02 2001
Pringles Theory Explains Rampent Sexual Activity

For years various explanations have been thrown about to explain the causes of sexual drought anxiety. Scientists have considered multiple explanations as to why even a month without sex can seem excessive after coitus has initially occured, yet no thoery has been satisfactory until now. Resarchers at Proctor and Gamble Labs have unveiled the Pringles theory: "Once you pop, you can't stop." _
--Norma Kletoris

Posted: Mon Nov 19 2001
Evolutionary Link Found Between Humans, Creationists

Thanks to a recent discovery by scientists at MIT's biology laboratory, scientists now know that humans and creationists share a common evolutionary ancestor, and may even be the same species.

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Posted: Sun Nov 4 2001
Aliens Sued For Targeting The Mentally Ill

A discrimination suit filed on Friday on behalf of the American Association of UFOlogists contends that, among other things, aliens have been abducting the mentally ill exclusively, in violation of equal opportunity laws.

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Posted: Sun Nov 4 2001
Investigators Follow Supernatural Leads

A photograph of the World Trade Center terrorist attack began making the e-mail rounds a few days after the tragedy occurred. The photo clearly shows a face in the black smoke pouring from the building. Many dismissed the image as a random pattern or a trick of the light but the photograph was immediately seized upon by investigators who are unwilling to leave any stone unturned.

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Posted: Sat Oct 13 2001
Technology Shocker: Tiny X10 Camera Used To See Women Nude!

By now anyone who uses the Internet has seen them. Sneaky pop-up ads for the amazing X-10 Camera. Annoying advertising to be sure, but the camera itself continues to appeal to the James Bond in every male who sees it--make that the James Bond AND Larry Flint.

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Posted: Sat Oct 13 2001
DNA Sequenced, Researchers Admit "Just A Joke"

Researchers today announced that now that the human genome was sequenced, it was time to tell the public they "made it all up." This shocking announcement came today from a press release from the private contractors who did the sequencing. Not only is the human sequence made up, the researchers contend, the nature (and even the name) of deoxyribonucleic acid (DNA) is a farce. "We are very surprised people believed this crap for as long as they have," says one scientist, "I mean really, four bases?" _
--Chris Famunda

Posted: Sat Oct 13 2001
Doctors Fear New Epidemic Spreading

Marlene Hazelton, a quiet, inconspicuous housewife, is suddenly at the center of attention in the search for a cure for a bizarre new disease. Feeling well beyond her 35 years, doctors have now determined she is actually aging in dog years.

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Posted: Wed Sep 26 2001
Elderly Population Increasing, Experts Suspect Budding

Experts recently announced what we have been hearing for some time: that the proportion of elderly persons in the United States is growing faster than any other segment of the population.

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Posted: Wed Sep 26 2001
Doctor Discovers New Acronym

A doctor's new discovery enables millions of people to finally get on with their lives.

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Posted: Wed Sep 26 2001
Super String Theory Just Ploy To Sell More Silly String

Super String Theory, the theory saying that the universe consists of clumps of matter linked together by incredibly long and thin "strings", which themselves have immense gravitational fields, was contrived by the manufacturers of Silly String.

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Posted: Sat Sep 8 2001
Tron Helps Stop Code Red Worm!

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Posted: Sat Sep 8 2001
Liver Spots Linked With Old Age

A recent study has revealed old people have more liver spots than younger people, raising the exciting possibility that adding liver spots to younger people will cause them to live longer lives.

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Posted: Sun Sep 9 2001
Super Intelligent Computer Happy, Content With Life.

It's been three weeks since the super-intelligent computer named "Voz" came online at IBM's research labs, and there's no sign it plans to take over the world.

"Voz is happy with us, for the most part," says IBM researcher Dave Baxter, "I haven't seen even the slightest indication he plans to attack us, cut off our oxygen, mistake us for intruders, or otherwise try to eliminate or enslave humanity. He doesn't like it when I get crumbs on the keyboard, however." _

Posted: Wed Aug 22 2001
Casinos Thank The American School System.

Casinos across the nation have decided to show their appreciation to the nation's schools for doing such a good job in educating America's children.

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Posted: Wed Aug 22 2001
Quantum Computers On The Horizon
Science writer Nigel Plinth explains it for you

Hewlett-Packard Co. (HP) and the Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT) are working together to create a new generation of computers that will offer speeds far beyond anything possible today. In order to achieve this breakthrough velocity they are building the computers from the ground up to utilize quantum effects as the means of storing and manipulating data.

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Posted: Thu Aug 23 2001
Cure For Neurotransmission Discovered Scientists Find Way To Stop Process

Scientists recently announced that the process of neurotransmission is not only avoidable, but also preventable.

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Posted: Thu Aug 9 2001
'Bible Code' Makes New Predictions

Michael Drosnin, author of the book "The Bible Code", announced last week that his computer program has uncovered new predictions of things to come.

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Posted: Thu Aug 9 2001
Meteorologist Says Drought Results From Lack Of Rain.

There's a reason for the recent drought throughout the western US, says University of Oklahoma Meteorologist Dr. Bill Grant.

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Posted: Thu Aug 9 2001
Scientists Propose Non-biological Uses For Cloning.

Scientists propose non-biological uses for cloning. _

Posted: Wed May 30 2001
Study On Procrastination Goes Unfinished.

Results to be released later this month. _

Posted: Wed May 30 2001
New Plant Species Discovered In Africa
Creationist Group Responds "Cut it out."

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Posted: Mon May 21 2001
New Study Shows Apathetic People Don't Care.

A recent study shows that of those people who consider themselves to be "apathetic", almost 98 percent declined to answer the rest of the questions.

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Posted: Fri Jul 20 2001
Correlation Between SUVs, Penis Size

Researchers at Boston University's Motophallus laboratory have released a shocking report.

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Posted: Sun Jul 22 2001
Reporter Uses Digital Cable To Full Potential

A reporter and editor for an online newspaper, who we will call "Tom K", recently upgraded to digital cable has found it to be a useful tool, "I used to go days without seeing any, but now I just turn it on, and there are the boobies. Modern technology is, quite simply, miraculous." _

Posted: Thu Jul 5 2001
History Headline

Sliced bread invented, people say "This is the best thing!" _