Posted: Sun Nov 4 2001
Investigators Follow Supernatural Leads

A photograph of the World Trade Center terrorist attack began making the e-mail rounds a few days after the tragedy occurred. The photo clearly shows a face in the black smoke pouring from the building. Many dismissed the image as a random pattern or a trick of the light but the photograph was immediately seized upon by investigators who are unwilling to leave any stone unturned.

"Most people automatically assumed the face was Satan but we are professionals and we're trained not to jump to unfounded conclusions." Says the investigative team leader Herman Merman. "We do know, however, that if we can put a name on that face we have our culprit."

That is why the group immediately set up the bank of computers, originally purchased to do Nancy Reagan's horoscope, to sift through every image on the net looking for a match. Early the following Tuesday, a week after the attack they got a result. Though the team cautions that it is not conclusive, the image most resembles not Satan but the Snow Miser from the animated Rankin and Bass classic "The Year Without a Santa Claus".

Meanwhile another line of investigation was about to bear fruit. Just before I end my interview the work of another bank of computers pays off and the shocking results of digital enhancement on the photograph become available. According to the digitally enhanced photograph the face in the smoke was none other than actor and National Rifle Association president Charlton Heston.

"This throws a kink into everything." Says a crestfallen investigator. "It wasn't Satan OR the Snow Miser! It was Moses!"

After some consideration the team decides that this may not actually indicate that Moses is to blame for the WTC attacks. It may simply be that Charlton Heston's extreme godliness and intense righteous indignation permeated the machinery and imprinted itself onto the data. The plan is to do the computation again, this time shielding the machinery with Ozzy Osborne and Rob Zombie CDs to counteract the interference. Just in case, however, popular medium and cold reader, John Edwards, is being brought in so that Moses can be questioned.

Animators Rankin and Bass are also being sought to help track down the current location of the Snow Miser.

--Phillip Matanka