Posted: Sun Oct 27 2002
No One Talking About Failed Wonder Diet

Friends and family have decided not to say "I told you so" to failed dieter Diane Samson, who, despite three months on a revolutionary all-pork diet, ended up not losing any weight at all.

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Posted: Mon Jun 24 2002
God Agrees With Everything Local Man Says

In an amazing coincidence, The Almighty God Of All Creation agrees with every opinion local mechanic John O'Reilly expresses.

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Posted: Sat May 25 2002
Local Man Offers Fertilization

Despite a 100% miss rate, local resident Thomas Michaels is not yet ready to give up his signature pick-up line "You should be having my baby." Michaels points out that even though it's never worked before, that does not mean it never will. "I'll give it a few more tries," says Michaels. "I'm thinking of changing it to 'babies' instead of 'baby' to try to reel in the women looking for families." _

Posted: Sun May 19 2002
"Osama Works At 7-11" Joke Still Hilarious To Local Man

After seeing an Indian man working at the checkout counter at a gas station, local resident Joe Dasanti remarked to bystanders "We found Osama! He works at 7-11!" and began laughing hysterically.



Several customers tried to explain to Dasanti "it's really not that funny" and "they aren't even from the same country" but were dismissed by Dasanti as "too politically correct".

No injuries were reported. _

Posted: Sun Apr 14 2002
Wildlife To Be Cleared So People Can Enjoy The Outdoors

Residents of Nature's Ridge Gated Community have asked the city of Overland Park for help with an unwanted flock of geese. Mary Johnston, a resident of the community for the last two years, explained the situation, "My family an I moved to this area for it's wonderful view of the lake. Our house is right on the water, enabling us to take in the full beauty of mother nature. That's when those damn God-awful waterfowl showed up and spoiled everything." Johnston and other lake-side residents have asked the city for permission to "shoot the noisy shits so we can enjoy the nature we paid for". _

Posted: Sun Mar 10 2002
Local Man's Approval Rating Drops To 58%

Local mechanic Michael Janson's approval rating dipped even lower this last week. Janson's approval rating has been falling continuously since an all time high of 95% in mid October. A spokesman for Janson said the drop is nothing to worry about, and is most likely just the result of a misunderstanding about a credit card bill between Janson and his wife, Megan. _

Posted: Sun Feb 24 2002
Fat Man Glad Fatter Man Works In Same Office

In response to friend's and family's concerns about his increasing weight, local office worker Jim Davis began pointing out the even larger weight problem of another coworker. "I'm not nearly as fat as him," said Davis, "I'm only 40 or 50 pounds overweight, he's got to weigh at least 350, if not more." Davis used a similar method to deal with his pack a day smoking habit, saying "he smokes way more than I do." _

Posted: Sun Feb 10 2002
Local Man Not From 'Round Here

Assad Hamas, a recent immigrant from India, has moved into the apartment below local resident Janet Herford. "When I went down to welcome him into the neighborhood, I noticed he had an accent, and he refused to eat my homemade 'world famous beef potpie', comments Herford, "that's when I knew he was not from 'round here." _

Posted: Sun Jan 27 2002
Ziggy, Cathy To Wed
Cathy Knocked Up

Cartoon legends Cathy and Ziggy have made it from the back of the newspaper to the front page of tabloids with the revelation Thursday that Kathy is pregnant with Ziggy's child.The admission by the spaghetti-haired doodle brought gasps of amazement from every reporter at the press conference.

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Posted: Mon Jan 14 2002
Local Man Keeps Glancing At Tits, Ass

Several local women have reported numerous instances of Kansas resident Thomas Levy making furtive and possibly sidelong glances at their breasts.

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Posted: Mon Dec 31 2001
Aspiring Terrorist Seeking Weapons Of Local Destruction

Authorities are now speculating that local terrorist Jeffery Gordon has plans to seek small destructive weapons such as cherry bombs and BB guns, and such biological agents as cold and herpes viruses. "Too many terrorists start out trying to rule the world," explains Gordon, "It's important to have realistic goals." _

Posted: Mon Dec 31 2001
Fortnightly Publication Considers Monthly Publishing

The critically acclaimed Online Newspaper Gazette is toying with the idea of switching to producing a monthly product. The editor-in-chief, who prefers to be called “Tom,” made this statement: “I'm just so tired all the time. This is a lot of work, ya know? And those stupid reporters I have to deal with … it's all very hard to explain.”

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Posted: Mon Nov 19 2001
Faith Saves Woman From Act Of God

A F4 tornado tore through downtown Shawnee Kansas on Wednesday, killing 40 and leaving hundreds homeless, but miraculously spared one woman.

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Posted: Sun Nov 4 2001
12 Killed When Man Finds Wrong Way To Eat A Reese's

Boulder Colorado resident Russell Jones inadvertently caused the death of at least 12 people while trying to verify an advertising claim.

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Posted: Sun Oct 28 2001
Security Increases At Public Offices

The long standing threat of mauradering bear attacks at state office buildings has finally been minimalized. Park Rangers now guard Missouri State buildings; and while figures of reported terrorist activities remain stable, incidents of swiped pic-i-nic baskets have experienced a marked decline. It should be noted that the rangers are fully authorized to remove all metalic objects from any game animals entering the building, as well as to insist politely but firmly that all air traffic avoid the upper expanses of the structures. _
--Norma Kletoris

Posted: Sat Oct 13 2001
Local Woman Aroused By Mr. Goodcents Mascot

Local resident Lisa Mufflin shocked her prayer group Wednesday by revealing her long standing fetish with the anthropomorphic penny and restaurant chain mascot Mr. Goodcent. "She brought it up as a prayer request" Says pastor Harlan Shuck. "But not for the Lord to rid her of this strange compulsion. She wanted us to ask God to arrange a meeting." Despite attempts to persuade her of the unnatural nature of her desires Ms. Mufflin remained adamant, resulting in her expulsion from the group.

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Posted: Wed Sep 26 2001
Traffic Accident Ends In Mystery

In an event police officials are calling "baffling" and "spooky," two large tractor-trailers collided in downtown Kansas City and vanished without a trace.

Witnesses of the incident say one truck, owned by a local red wine manufacturer, was headed east on I-70 when it crossed the median and collided with a west-bound club-soda truck, whereafter "they both just disappeared." _

Posted: Sat Sep 8 2001
Woman Not Impressed By Date's Ability To Speak Klingon

Much to his dismay, local resident Peter James found himself at a lost when, halfway through dinner, his date began frowning and avoiding eye contact after James began speaking in Klingon. "It usually works pretty good," says James, "I just don't know where things went wrong this time." _

Posted: Sat Sep 8 2001
Man Tricked Into Gay Sex, Justifying Fears.

Local Kansas resident Stan Barker filed a police report over the weekend alleging that George Tildin, a known area homosexual, tricked him into having gay sex.

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Posted: Wed Aug 22 2001
Woman Loses Jesus, Enlists The Help Of Others In Search.

Josephine Lowden recently misplaced her lord and savior. Realizing she could not find it on her own, she began asking people she met if they had found Jesus, and then would go on to describe it when they said that they hadn't.

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Posted: Wed Aug 22 2001
Local Man Struggles With EF.

At first glace, Overland Park KS resident Jon Gudinov looks like any other 30 year old programmer: married, intelligent, easygoing, balding, slightly overweight. Few people would think such a mild mannered man is engaged in a daily battle with a debilitating syndrome.

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Posted: Thu Aug 9 2001
Chiropractor Quits, Becomes Real Doctor

James Nelson announced that he intends to leave chiropracty after 35 years.

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Posted: Fri May 25 2001
Church Hit By Tornado
Local Gay Man Blamed

Just minutes before Sunday morning services were to begin, a category 3 tornado slammed into St. Jude's Church killing four and injuring dozens.

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Posted: Sun Jul 22 2001
Ye Olde Disaster! 12 Die, Hundreds Injured At Renaissance Fair

A dozen people were killed and almost 300 others ended up in local hospitals when a renaissance fair succeeded in being more "realistic".

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Posted: Sun Jul 22 2001
Rube Goldberg Museum Collapses

(Wankerton, KS) Several attendees were injured in an implausible sequence of events at a museum dedicated to the famous artist and engineer.

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Posted: Sun Jul 22 2001
Patriotic Man Gets Drunk, Defends Country.

Paul Rubenstein, a 35 year old construction worker in Shawnee, KS, spoke on behalf of the United States of America at a local bar on Friday. Paul, who describes himself as patriotic, felt the need to defend his country when a friend noted that South American countries "usually have better soccer teams," to which Paul rejoined "Oh yeah? Then why did we kick their ass so bad in dubya-dubya-two?" _

Posted: Sun Jul 22 2001
Man Calls Complaint Line, Is Defrauded

Local driver Dan Livinston, shocked by the appalling driving habits of the driver in front of him, followed the suggested method of registering a complaint, but the number given, 1-800-EAT-SHIT, was not really a complaint line.

Police advise not to assume any number given for complaints is real. "They may be trying to avoid hearing your complaint by giving you an invalid number" said a police spokesman. Consumers defrauded in this way are advised to call 1-800-DUMB-ASS. _