Posted: Mon Nov 19 2001
Nation Prepares Itself For Onslaught Of New, More Powerful Christmas Movies

Just as Americans are recovering from the tragedies of September, they now face what may turn out to be the most difficult challenge yet. Attorney general John Ashcroft informed the nation of the threat of a new round of made-for-TV Christmas movies, and has raised the nation to Threat Level Grammy, meaning the possibility of touchy-feely exploitation movies is at the highest level possible.

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Posted: Mon Nov 19 2001
Faith Saves Woman From Act Of God

A F4 tornado tore through downtown Shawnee Kansas on Wednesday, killing 40 and leaving hundreds homeless, but miraculously spared one woman.

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Posted: Mon Nov 19 2001
Evolutionary Link Found Between Humans, Creationists

Thanks to a recent discovery by scientists at MIT's biology laboratory, scientists now know that humans and creationists share a common evolutionary ancestor, and may even be the same species.

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Posted: Mon Nov 19 2001
Co-Worker Thinks Clowning Is A Noble Profession

Local customer service representative Burt Nelson recently informed co-worker George Smith that despite outward apperences, clowns "connect with humanity on a basic level" and when "Bongo smacks Bozo on the head with a pig blatter, it's actually a comment on man's quest for understanding." Smith eventually managed to escape after 20 minutes by mumbling something about using the restroom. .

Posted: Mon Nov 19 2001
Sports Teams Refuse To Change Names

Despite a recent push to be more Politically Correct or "PC", several teams around the nation have refused to give in.

The most notable holdout team is the Washington Redskins. Detractors say the team should change it's name because "Redskin" is a derogatory term for an American-Indian.

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Posted: Mon Nov 19 2001
HYMEN Splits, Stockholder Blamed

Stockholders the world over were shocked yesterday when the telecommunications giant HYMEN was divided in two, raising suspicions among shareholders as to the guilty party. "I have invested with HYMEN for close to 15 years, now that it is no longer one, pure company, I don't think I'll stay with them," says one noticeably agitated investor.

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Posted: Mon Nov 19 2001
Man Shot From Cannon, Dies
Irony lost on circus-goers

A recent trip to the circus ended in tragedy, or so it appeared to the over 3000 humorless people attending. "Bullet" as he is affectionately known by fellow performers, was mounting the cannon he has been shot from innumerable times before, when "Pinky", the freak who bites the heads off chickens, shot Bullet in a jealous rage. Pinky's anger stems from Bullet's alleged affair with Shawna, the dog-faced woman, who was also seeing Pinky at the time.

All this aside, come on people, it was funny! .
--Chris Famunda

Posted: Mon Nov 19 2001
Parents All Think Their Child's Team Won Tie Game

On December 19 2000, The Tiger Cubs were on their way to victory over their long-time rivals when The Panther Cubs managed to make a last minute run to tie the game. After several more innings with neither team able to score, a "sudden death" round was held, in which The Panther Cubs managed to score a hit, winning the game and the regional title.

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Posted: Mon Nov 19 2001
Popular Kitchen Cleaner Leaves 0.1% Of Germs Alive

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