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Bush glad he didn't release "Saddam is sniper" report
Elvira to force tits on nation once more
Jeep owner having hard time understanding "Jeep thing" too
Walking fans bear brunt of pedophile hatred
Philosophy student thinks he said something meaningful
President stupidest man on earth, also orchestrating global oil conspiracy
Jesse Jackson accidentally threatens self with legal action
Editor planning to rush out and see Jackass right away
Current:
China Explodes In Nuclear Fireball, Snipers Face Uncertain Charges
Not A Lot Of Eye Contact At Andes Crash Survivors Reunion
Cow Shit Found To Be "100% Organic"
Everybody's Just Too Sensitive
Mediocre Musician
Five New Religious Denominations Created
No One Talking About Failed Wonder Diet
Offbeat: Man Dies In Humorous, Painful Accident
World
Posted: Sun Oct 27 2002
Not A Lot Of Eye Contact At Andes Crash Survivors Reunion
Thirty years after their plane crashed in the rugged Andes mountains, forcing them to eat the flesh of the dead in order to survive, surviving members of the Uruguayan rugby team met in Chile to remember the tragic event. "This is the first time many of us have seen each other since the crash," says survivor Roberto Canessa. "It's a very emotional -and somewhat uncomfortable- time for us all." Fellow survivor Fernando Parrado agrees, adding "I managed to get through the whole thing without looking any of them in the eye."
Attendance at the barbecue following the reunion was much lower than expected. _
Not A Lot Of Eye Contact At Andes Crash Survivors Reunion
Thirty years after their plane crashed in the rugged Andes mountains, forcing them to eat the flesh of the dead in order to survive, surviving members of the Uruguayan rugby team met in Chile to remember the tragic event. "This is the first time many of us have seen each other since the crash," says survivor Roberto Canessa. "It's a very emotional -and somewhat uncomfortable- time for us all." Fellow survivor Fernando Parrado agrees, adding "I managed to get through the whole thing without looking any of them in the eye."
Attendance at the barbecue following the reunion was much lower than expected. _
Posted: Sun Aug 11 2002
Sharon And Arafat Find Common Ground
After decades of oppression and suicide bombings, Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon and Palestinian leader Yassir Arafat have reached an historic agreement which may mean peace for the troubled region.
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Sharon And Arafat Find Common Ground
After decades of oppression and suicide bombings, Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon and Palestinian leader Yassir Arafat have reached an historic agreement which may mean peace for the troubled region.
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Posted: Mon Jul 22 2002
7-11 Robbery Doesn't Appear To Be Related To Terrorism
U.S. officials are denying terrorism played any role in last night's robbery of an Overland Park Kansas 7-11 convenience store. Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld assured the public that the robbers have no known connection to Osama bin Laden or the Al-Qaeda terrorist network, and appeared to just be greedy people. Meanwhile, Israeli Prime Minister Arial Sharon denounced the incident as an tremendous act of terrorism after learning of an Israeli citizen who was at a gas pump at the time. _
7-11 Robbery Doesn't Appear To Be Related To Terrorism
U.S. officials are denying terrorism played any role in last night's robbery of an Overland Park Kansas 7-11 convenience store. Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld assured the public that the robbers have no known connection to Osama bin Laden or the Al-Qaeda terrorist network, and appeared to just be greedy people. Meanwhile, Israeli Prime Minister Arial Sharon denounced the incident as an tremendous act of terrorism after learning of an Israeli citizen who was at a gas pump at the time. _
Posted: Mon Jun 24 2002
Ashcroft Begins "Definitely Not Racial Profiling" Anti-terrorism Measure
After enduring criticism on the failure to predict the September 11 terrorist attacks, Attorney General John Ashcroft has announced plans to seek out criminals proactively instead of reactively.
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Ashcroft Begins "Definitely Not Racial Profiling" Anti-terrorism Measure
After enduring criticism on the failure to predict the September 11 terrorist attacks, Attorney General John Ashcroft has announced plans to seek out criminals proactively instead of reactively.
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Posted: Sat May 25 2002
Other Countries Nearly Empty Of African-Americans
World census researchers have discovered an almost total lack of African-Americans outside of America.
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Other Countries Nearly Empty Of African-Americans
World census researchers have discovered an almost total lack of African-Americans outside of America.
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Posted: Sun Apr 14 2002
Israel To Pull Back After Pummelling By News Anchors
Israel has agreed to pull out of the West Bank, but only if the US promises to end it's assault by news anchors. The US-lead attack began last week when ABC sent veteran anchor Peter Jennings into the region and NBC launched Tom Brokaw at Israeli-held lands. The latest salvo, dubbed i[Operation Old White Guy], sent Dan Rather into Jerusalem and is being credited with the Israeli pullout. Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon gave the announcement after Sunday's weekly Cabinet meeting, saying "Our troops can't hold up against the constant droning voices and meaningless commentaries. I have spoken with Arafat and we have both agreed to stop the conflict in the hopes of avoiding a prolonged Wolf Blitzer attack by CNN. _
Israel To Pull Back After Pummelling By News Anchors
Israel has agreed to pull out of the West Bank, but only if the US promises to end it's assault by news anchors. The US-lead attack began last week when ABC sent veteran anchor Peter Jennings into the region and NBC launched Tom Brokaw at Israeli-held lands. The latest salvo, dubbed i[Operation Old White Guy], sent Dan Rather into Jerusalem and is being credited with the Israeli pullout. Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon gave the announcement after Sunday's weekly Cabinet meeting, saying "Our troops can't hold up against the constant droning voices and meaningless commentaries. I have spoken with Arafat and we have both agreed to stop the conflict in the hopes of avoiding a prolonged Wolf Blitzer attack by CNN. _
Posted: Sun Mar 10 2002
U.S. Asks Family For Bin Laden DNA, Bin Laden
US officials have approached Osama bin Laden's family and have asked them for DNA samples to compare with remains found after a CIA attack in Afghanistan. The officials also asked if the family, by any chance, had Osama, and if so, could they turn him in please? _
U.S. Asks Family For Bin Laden DNA, Bin Laden
US officials have approached Osama bin Laden's family and have asked them for DNA samples to compare with remains found after a CIA attack in Afghanistan. The officials also asked if the family, by any chance, had Osama, and if so, could they turn him in please? _
Posted: Sun Feb 10 2002
Bush Taunts North Korea, Runs With Scissors
"North Korea is part of an Axis of Evil," said Mr. Bush holding a pair of scissors and furiously running around in circles. "I think they may be harboring terrorists," continued the President while flipping off a group of nearby Hell's Angels. Bush finished by kicking a pitbull a few times and saying, "North Korea may have a few nuclear missiles, and I may not have any evidence for these allegations, but I'm pretty sure they eat babies." _
Bush Taunts North Korea, Runs With Scissors
"North Korea is part of an Axis of Evil," said Mr. Bush holding a pair of scissors and furiously running around in circles. "I think they may be harboring terrorists," continued the President while flipping off a group of nearby Hell's Angels. Bush finished by kicking a pitbull a few times and saying, "North Korea may have a few nuclear missiles, and I may not have any evidence for these allegations, but I'm pretty sure they eat babies." _
Posted: Sun Jan 27 2002
Taoist Suicide Bomber Hits Shopping Mall
At least 8 people were seriously injured whenTao follower Wan Dzin ignited an explosive devicein a crowded Nepal shopping center. Terrorism experts blame the attack on Dzin's fundamentalist Tao beliefs, and point to his earlier radical statements regarding inner peace. _
Taoist Suicide Bomber Hits Shopping Mall
At least 8 people were seriously injured whenTao follower Wan Dzin ignited an explosive devicein a crowded Nepal shopping center. Terrorism experts blame the attack on Dzin's fundamentalist Tao beliefs, and point to his earlier radical statements regarding inner peace. _
Posted: Mon Jan 14 2002
World's Oldest Man Title Up For Grabs
Most people learned of the death of the "World's Oldest Man", the 112 year old Antonio Todde, with at least a little sadness, but local man Hubert Morgan was very pleased indeed. "With that drooling idiot out of the way it's clear sailing from here on out."
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World's Oldest Man Title Up For Grabs
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Posted: Mon Dec 31 2001
Old Atari Designers Propose Special Ops Equipment
A group of 5 designers who worked for the now defunct Atari are currently lobbying Washington to push their new designs for protective gear and offensive weapons to be used in clearing out the caves at Tora Bora.
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Old Atari Designers Propose Special Ops Equipment
A group of 5 designers who worked for the now defunct Atari are currently lobbying Washington to push their new designs for protective gear and offensive weapons to be used in clearing out the caves at Tora Bora.
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Posted: Sun Dec 02 2001
Pentagon Nonplussed By Return On Leaflets
"We're not overly disappointed but we were hoping for a better return." Said Pentagon official Jake Haverson concerning the leaflets that were scattered over Afghanistan in the early days of the war. "We have not had one confirmed redemption of any of the leaflets."
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Pentagon Nonplussed By Return On Leaflets
"We're not overly disappointed but we were hoping for a better return." Said Pentagon official Jake Haverson concerning the leaflets that were scattered over Afghanistan in the early days of the war. "We have not had one confirmed redemption of any of the leaflets."
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Posted: Sun Dec 02 2001
Report Finds That Some Things Did Not Change September 11
September 11th was indeed the day that everything changed. Or was it? The National Center for Science and Journalism released a report last Wednesday attempting to summarize the changes actually detected so far. The surprising results indicate that there are indeed some things that have NOT changed since the September 11th attacks on the World Trade Center.
The report begins by acknowledging the more obvious massive changes that did occur. Among the major effects sited are the introduction of terrorism into the world, a sharp increase in the threat inherent in nail clippers, and an end to the shark menace. The report then goes on to indicate that some things have actually remained the same.
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Report Finds That Some Things Did Not Change September 11
September 11th was indeed the day that everything changed. Or was it? The National Center for Science and Journalism released a report last Wednesday attempting to summarize the changes actually detected so far. The surprising results indicate that there are indeed some things that have NOT changed since the September 11th attacks on the World Trade Center.
The report begins by acknowledging the more obvious massive changes that did occur. Among the major effects sited are the introduction of terrorism into the world, a sharp increase in the threat inherent in nail clippers, and an end to the shark menace. The report then goes on to indicate that some things have actually remained the same.
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Posted: Sun Nov 4 2001
Arabic Numerals Detained Indefinitely
As one of its first acts, the Office of Homeland Security has arrested and detained, without charge, the Arabic numerals. Suspicions against the numerals arose following the discovery of the apparent significance of the number 11 in the September 11 attacks on the WTC. The number "1" has been implicated as a key figure in the attacks, yet little direct suspicion can be attributed to 0, and 2,3,4,5,6,7,8, and 9. However, these other numbers are to be held indefinitely for the general welfare. It should be emphasized that while the other numerals may also experience some hardships during this time, the will of the American people is only to bring the number 1 to justice, with minimal impact to the other numbers. _
--Norma Kletoris
Arabic Numerals Detained Indefinitely
As one of its first acts, the Office of Homeland Security has arrested and detained, without charge, the Arabic numerals. Suspicions against the numerals arose following the discovery of the apparent significance of the number 11 in the September 11 attacks on the WTC. The number "1" has been implicated as a key figure in the attacks, yet little direct suspicion can be attributed to 0, and 2,3,4,5,6,7,8, and 9. However, these other numbers are to be held indefinitely for the general welfare. It should be emphasized that while the other numerals may also experience some hardships during this time, the will of the American people is only to bring the number 1 to justice, with minimal impact to the other numbers. _
--Norma Kletoris
Posted: Sun Oct 28 2001
Domestic Terrorists Being Left Behind
After the unprecidented success of the recent attacks by foreigners, domestic terrorists are worried about the future of home-grown terrorism.
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Domestic Terrorists Being Left Behind
After the unprecidented success of the recent attacks by foreigners, domestic terrorists are worried about the future of home-grown terrorism.
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Posted: Sat Oct 13 2001
Amazing But True - No Innocent Men In Afghanistan
FoxNews recently interviewed an expert who declared that each time the U.S. attacks Afghanistan, innocent women and children would be injured and killed.
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Amazing But True - No Innocent Men In Afghanistan
FoxNews recently interviewed an expert who declared that each time the U.S. attacks Afghanistan, innocent women and children would be injured and killed.
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Posted: Sat Oct 13 2001
Robertson/Graham Ticket To Oppose God In Next Election
Pat Robertson and Billy Graham announced today that they will run against God for his position, on the platform "it's about damn time." The announcement comes in the wake of the September 11 attacks, which were facilitated by the incumbent God as a warning to heathens, gays, and Jews.
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Robertson/Graham Ticket To Oppose God In Next Election
Pat Robertson and Billy Graham announced today that they will run against God for his position, on the platform "it's about damn time." The announcement comes in the wake of the September 11 attacks, which were facilitated by the incumbent God as a warning to heathens, gays, and Jews.
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Posted: Thu Oct 4 2001
Global Cutbacks Force Tightening Of Van Allen Belts
With economies slowing down all over the globe, the world's economic leaders announced the tightening of the radiation belts that surround our planet.
"It's an extravagance that we simply can no longer afford,"
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Global Cutbacks Force Tightening Of Van Allen Belts
With economies slowing down all over the globe, the world's economic leaders announced the tightening of the radiation belts that surround our planet.
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Posted: Wed Sep 26 2001
Charges Pressed Against Bin Laden
Detroit native Lyle Brown has filed a civil law suit against suspected Afghani terrorist Osama Bin Laden. Brown alleges that in the September 11 attack on the World Trade Center, Bin Laden was an accessory to the destruction of one piece of Samsonite luggage wrongly placed aboard United Air flight 200. Brown is quoted as being, "rather vexed," about the loss of his parcel. In a release to the AP Brown notes that he is also considering possible legal action against United, who was responsible for misplacing his luggage onto the ill-fated flight. _
--Norma Kletori
Charges Pressed Against Bin Laden
Detroit native Lyle Brown has filed a civil law suit against suspected Afghani terrorist Osama Bin Laden. Brown alleges that in the September 11 attack on the World Trade Center, Bin Laden was an accessory to the destruction of one piece of Samsonite luggage wrongly placed aboard United Air flight 200. Brown is quoted as being, "rather vexed," about the loss of his parcel. In a release to the AP Brown notes that he is also considering possible legal action against United, who was responsible for misplacing his luggage onto the ill-fated flight. _
--Norma Kletori
Posted: Wed Sep 26 2001
Bush Calls Bin Laden A Punk-Ass Bitch, Prepares Nation To Get Its Freak On.
In his strongest language to date, the President readies Americans for war.
Bush to Laden: "What da dillio?" With each speech since the terrorist attacks on America, the President's tone has become more and more war-like in his wording. At his latest press conference, he has upped the ante to the next level with his statement "Osama Bin Laden is nothin but a punk-ass bitch. Me and my dogz gonna get da gats and take him out."
Bush went on to say he has advised all top-level military officials to call him 'B Diddy' for the duration of the conflict, as well as to ready his "lead-pipe-hittin niggaz ta go toe-ta-toe with the mutha fucka."
For the rest of us, Bush urged calm, but to be ready for war, "To my peeps, I sez chill, but you gots ta know, we gonna get our freak on. Peace! I'm outa here!" _
Bush Calls Bin Laden A Punk-Ass Bitch, Prepares Nation To Get Its Freak On.
In his strongest language to date, the President readies Americans for war.
Bush to Laden: "What da dillio?"
Bush went on to say he has advised all top-level military officials to call him 'B Diddy' for the duration of the conflict, as well as to ready his "lead-pipe-hittin niggaz ta go toe-ta-toe with the mutha fucka."
For the rest of us, Bush urged calm, but to be ready for war, "To my peeps, I sez chill, but you gots ta know, we gonna get our freak on. Peace! I'm outa here!" _
Posted: Thu Aug 23 2001
Tanker Crashes: Threatens Wildlife, Captain's Job.
On oil tanker off the coast of Washington ran aground, spilling millions of gallons of crude oil. The spill, now covering several miles of coastline, threatens native wildlife, but also, the captain's job. While the environmental toll is probably going to be pretty bad, the really sad part is that the captain is now likely out of a job, pending a court decision.
Chris Famunda _
Tanker Crashes: Threatens Wildlife, Captain's Job.
On oil tanker off the coast of Washington ran aground, spilling millions of gallons of crude oil. The spill, now covering several miles of coastline, threatens native wildlife, but also, the captain's job. While the environmental toll is probably going to be pretty bad, the really sad part is that the captain is now likely out of a job, pending a court decision.
Chris Famunda _
Posted: Thu Aug 23 2001
Israeli Tank Levels Office Building, Inhabitants Grateful
In Palestinian Controlled West Bank yesterday, an Israeli tank rumbled down the street, stopping in front of a Palestinian office building. Palestinian demonstrators formed a human shield in front of the target, a Palestinian office building. The tank crew, unswayed by the Palestinian mob, promptly went to work with pickaxes and plumb-bobs, leveling the building. Workers in the formerly slanted building expressed their gratitude to the renegade tank crew, who were unavailable for comment.
Chris Famunda _
--Chris Famunda
Israeli Tank Levels Office Building, Inhabitants Grateful
In Palestinian Controlled West Bank yesterday, an Israeli tank rumbled down the street, stopping in front of a Palestinian office building. Palestinian demonstrators formed a human shield in front of the target, a Palestinian office building. The tank crew, unswayed by the Palestinian mob, promptly went to work with pickaxes and plumb-bobs, leveling the building. Workers in the formerly slanted building expressed their gratitude to the renegade tank crew, who were unavailable for comment.
Chris Famunda _
--Chris Famunda
Posted: Thu Aug 23 2001
Bizarre Weather Pattern Identified
The Syndicated Hierarchy of International Temperature-Takers (SHITT), a meteorological focus group, identified 4 major weather trends at their July 30th meeting in Newark.
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Bizarre Weather Pattern Identified
The Syndicated Hierarchy of International Temperature-Takers (SHITT), a meteorological focus group, identified 4 major weather trends at their July 30th meeting in Newark.
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Posted: Thu Aug 9 2001
Baby Seals Applaud Fur Ban, Clubbed
"We thought they were the band, but then they just started clubbing."
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Baby Seals Applaud Fur Ban, Clubbed
"We thought they were the band, but then they just started clubbing."
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Posted: Thu Aug 9 2001
Cyclist Inducted Into Macho Name Hall Of Fame
On the heels of his three-in-a-row Tour de France victory, cyclist Lance Armstrong received an invitation to be entered into the Macho Name Hall of Fame.
Republican House Majority leader and current president of the Macho Names Hall of Fame, Dick Armey, announced the invitation in a 15 minute press conference on Tuesday. Also present at the conference was CNN anchor Wolf Blitzer, and Law and Order creator Dick Wolf.
The event was closed with a short memorial for ex-member Rock Hudson. _
Cyclist Inducted Into Macho Name Hall Of Fame
On the heels of his three-in-a-row Tour de France victory, cyclist Lance Armstrong received an invitation to be entered into the Macho Name Hall of Fame.
Republican House Majority leader and current president of the Macho Names Hall of Fame, Dick Armey, announced the invitation in a 15 minute press conference on Tuesday. Also present at the conference was CNN anchor Wolf Blitzer, and Law and Order creator Dick Wolf.
The event was closed with a short memorial for ex-member Rock Hudson. _
Posted: Sun Jul 22 2001
Greenpeace Tries To Go Mainstream, Reaches Out To Public.
Greenpeace, tired of its reputation as a group of rich, white, fear-mongering, technophobic freaks, has launched a series of wacky stunts to show the world that Greenpeace activists are just normal, everyday people.
Greenpeace activists: "We can be goofy!"
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Greenpeace Tries To Go Mainstream, Reaches Out To Public.
Greenpeace, tired of its reputation as a group of rich, white, fear-mongering, technophobic freaks, has launched a series of wacky stunts to show the world that Greenpeace activists are just normal, everyday people.
Greenpeace activists: "We can be goofy!"
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Posted: Mon May 21 2001
Other Countries Teeming With Foreigners
The Reform Party recently announced that countries outside of the US have literally millions of foreigners, and warn we may be next.
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Other Countries Teeming With Foreigners
The Reform Party recently announced that countries outside of the US have literally millions of foreigners, and warn we may be next.
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Posted: Thu Jul 26 2001
G8 Protesters Blame Cars/Vans For Globalization
(Genoa, Italy)
Police warned anyone with a vehicle to stay at home until the conference is over after protesters smashed and burned cars and vans all over the city.
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G8 Protesters Blame Cars/Vans For Globalization
(Genoa, Italy)
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Posted: Sun Jul 22 2001
Peace In Middle East Near!
Throwing aside centuries of mutual hostility and religious differences, Jews and Muslims everywhere said "I'm sorry" after seeing a touching long-distance commercial.
Related story: Big Oil, Greenpeace find common ground. _
Peace In Middle East Near!
Throwing aside centuries of mutual hostility and religious differences, Jews and Muslims everywhere said "I'm sorry" after seeing a touching long-distance commercial.
Related story: Big Oil, Greenpeace find common ground. _
Posted: Thu Jul 26 2001
G8 Protesters Blame Cars/Vans For Globalization
(Genoa, Italy)
Police warned anyone with a vehicle to stay at home until the conference is over after protesters smashed and burned cars and vans all over the city.
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G8 Protesters Blame Cars/Vans For Globalization
(Genoa, Italy)
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Posted: Sat Jul 14 2001
Man-Monkey Problem In Deli
Athoot Magoot, owner and operator of the New Dheli Deli on Market street has one customer he wishes he could send away.
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Man-Monkey Problem In Deli
Athoot Magoot, owner and operator of the New Dheli Deli on Market street has one customer he wishes he could send away.
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