The OnlineNewspaper Gazette / Sat Jan 04 2003: The OnlineNewspaper Gazette/ONG/quaap.com

Sat Jan 04 2003

Posted: Mon Jun 24 2002
God Agrees With Everything Local Man Says

In an amazing coincidence, The Almighty God Of All Creation agrees with every opinion local mechanic John O'Reilly expresses.

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Posted: Sun Jun 30 2002
ABC Uses 'Fiction' As Basis For New TV Series

A new series set to debut this fall on ABC will feature an unusual twist: the characters never existed.

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Posted: Sun Sep 29 2002
Bumper Sticker Settles Issue With Cunning Use Of Underline, Capitalization

Janet Pernee, like many other Americans, was shocked to learn of the ninth circuit court's decision declaring the Pledge of Allegiance unconstitutional, but now she's fighting back.

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Posted: Mon Sep 2 2002
New Group Hopes To Break Monopoly On Gravity Theory

A Georgia group calling itself Teachers for Equal Time has asked that stickers be placed in all new physics textbooks which note that mutual attraction and relativity are not the only theories available to explain gravity and should not be taken as fact.

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Posted: Sat May 25 2002
Interview With The Pope: 2000 Years And Still Infallible

The OnlineNewspaper Gazette's exclusive interview with the Pope on the molestation issue.

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Posted: Mon Sep 2 2002
Jazz Fusion Band Explodes In A Shower Of Gamma Rays, High Energy Particles

Local experimental Jazz fusion band, Miles High Club, known for their unique combination of atmospheric jazz, classical music, hardcore rap, and sea shanties, may have inadvertently solved the world's energy needs.

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Posted: Sun Aug 11 2002
US Prepares List Of "Countries We Can Beat Up"

After the warm reception given to the President's current plan of attacking Iraq, President Bush has asked the CIA to prepare a list of nations the US could conceivably win a minor conflict against.

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Posted: Sun Aug 11 2002
TheTruth.com: Tobacco Smoke Contains Terrorism

"After re-counting all 101 poisons found in tobacco smoke, we discovered one additional substance: terrorism," announced an ultra-hip 15 year old spokesman for TheTruth.com. "The tobacco companies don't want you to know this, but it's true." While it may seem strange, tobacco is only the latest product found to contain trace amounts of terrorism. The unpatriotic toxic substance has previously been found in drugs, OPEC oil, and imported cars. _

Posted: Mon Jul 22 2002
Vin Diesel Puts Out Clouds Of Thick Black Smoke While Going Up Hills

The debate about the environmental friendliness of Actor Vin Diesel heated up again this week when witnesses saw the 35 year old actor chugging up a steep hill on his morning run.

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Posted: Wed May 29 2002
Tingling Spidey Senses Actually Brain Tumor Early Warning Sign

An early warning sign for brain tumors may be found in reports of tingling spidey senses, according to a study released today in the Journal of the American Medical Association.

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Posted: Sun May 19 2002
Bush Declares A National Day Of Psychic Reading

In an impassioned 20 minute speech at the National Cathedral in Washington D.C., President George W Bush reminded those attending of the impact mystical experiences have in the lives of Americans, and declared May 30th as a National Day of Psychic Reading.

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Posted: Sun Apr 14 2002
New Black Comedian Forgets To Mention He's Black

With his in-your-face style and frequent use of obscenities, up-and-coming comedian Steve Henderson is used to controversy, but a recent performace at a comedy club in Kansas City may damage his career beyond repair.

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Posted: Mon Jun 24 2002
Your Terror Forecast

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Posted: Mon Jun 24 2002
Tiny Asteroid Appears Enormous In CNN Graphic

A June 21 CNN story broke the news of an asteroid that came within 75,000 miles of the Earth. Though the asteroid was only around 100 meters in diameter, the accompanying graphic showed an object roughly the size of the moon smashing into the Earth and obliterating much of the planet.

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Posted: Mon Sep 2 2002
Minister Unable To Convince Wife "Blessed Are The Cock Suckers" Is In The Bible

After several attempts over the weekend, minister Jack Wither, 37, found he was unable to convince his wife of the Biblical necessity of fellatio.

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Posted: Sun Oct 27 2002
Everybody's Just Too Sensitive

Not too long ago, you didn't have to be afraid of what words you used to describe people. You didn't have to worry about people getting offended if you said "mailman" instead of "mail carrier", or "man" instead of "person". You could call a female a "girl" without the National Organization for Women attacking you.

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Posted: Sun Sep 29 2002
Prank Caller Basks In Glory After Fooling Total Stranger

After finishing up his tenth prank call of the night, Randy Amaya sits back with a satisfied smile and those around him cackle hysterically.

This is a common sight on the set of Comedy Central's new hit show Crank Yankers, the show that has once again popularized prank calling.

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Next Issue: Bush glad he didn't release "Saddam is sniper" report Elvira to force tits on nation once more Jeep owner having hard time understanding "Jeep thing" too Walking fans bear brunt of pedophile hatred Philosophy student thinks he said something meaningful President stupidest man on earth, also orchestrating global oil conspiracy Jesse Jackson accidentally threatens self with legal action Editor planning to rush out and see Jackass right away Current: China Explodes In Nuclear Fireball, Snipers Face Uncertain Charges Not A Lot Of Eye Contact At Andes Crash Survivors Reunion Cow Shit Found To Be "100% Organic" Everybody's Just Too Sensitive Mediocre Musician Five New Religious Denominations Created No One Talking About Failed Wonder Diet Offbeat: Man Dies In Humorous, Painful Accident	Sat Jan 04 2003 Posted: Mon Jun 24 2002 God Agrees With Everything Local Man Says In an amazing coincidence, The Almighty God Of All Creation agrees with every opinion local mechanic John O'Reilly expresses. Full Text... Posted: Sun Jun 30 2002 ABC Uses 'Fiction' As Basis For New TV Series A new series set to debut this fall on ABC will feature an unusual twist: the characters never existed. Full Text... Posted: Sun Sep 29 2002 Bumper Sticker Settles Issue With Cunning Use Of Underline, Capitalization Janet Pernee, like many other Americans, was shocked to learn of the ninth circuit court's decision declaring the Pledge of Allegiance unconstitutional, but now she's fighting back. Full Text... Posted: Mon Sep 2 2002 New Group Hopes To Break Monopoly On Gravity Theory A Georgia group calling itself Teachers for Equal Time has asked that stickers be placed in all new physics textbooks which note that mutual attraction and relativity are not the only theories available to explain gravity and should not be taken as fact. Full Text... Posted: Sat May 25 2002 Interview With The Pope: 2000 Years And Still Infallible The OnlineNewspaper Gazette's exclusive interview with the Pope on the molestation issue. Full Text... Posted: Mon Sep 2 2002 Jazz Fusion Band Explodes In A Shower Of Gamma Rays, High Energy Particles Local experimental Jazz fusion band, Miles High Club, known for their unique combination of atmospheric jazz, classical music, hardcore rap, and sea shanties, may have inadvertently solved the world's energy needs. Full Text... Posted: Sun Aug 11 2002 US Prepares List Of "Countries We Can Beat Up" After the warm reception given to the President's current plan of attacking Iraq, President Bush has asked the CIA to prepare a list of nations the US could conceivably win a minor conflict against. Full Text... Posted: Sun Aug 11 2002 TheTruth.com: Tobacco Smoke Contains Terrorism "After re-counting all 101 poisons found in tobacco smoke, we discovered one additional substance: terrorism," announced an ultra-hip 15 year old spokesman for TheTruth.com. "The tobacco companies don't want you to know this, but it's true." While it may seem strange, tobacco is only the latest product found to contain trace amounts of terrorism. The unpatriotic toxic substance has previously been found in drugs, OPEC oil, and imported cars. _ Posted: Mon Jul 22 2002 Vin Diesel Puts Out Clouds Of Thick Black Smoke While Going Up Hills The debate about the environmental friendliness of Actor Vin Diesel heated up again this week when witnesses saw the 35 year old actor chugging up a steep hill on his morning run. Full Text... Posted: Wed May 29 2002 Tingling Spidey Senses Actually Brain Tumor Early Warning Sign An early warning sign for brain tumors may be found in reports of tingling spidey senses, according to a study released today in the Journal of the American Medical Association. Full Text... Posted: Sun May 19 2002 Bush Declares A National Day Of Psychic Reading In an impassioned 20 minute speech at the National Cathedral in Washington D.C., President George W Bush reminded those attending of the impact mystical experiences have in the lives of Americans, and declared May 30th as a National Day of Psychic Reading. Full Text... Posted: Sun Apr 14 2002 New Black Comedian Forgets To Mention He's Black With his in-your-face style and frequent use of obscenities, up-and-coming comedian Steve Henderson is used to controversy, but a recent performace at a comedy club in Kansas City may damage his career beyond repair. Full Text... Posted: Mon Jun 24 2002 Your Terror Forecast Full Text... Posted: Mon Jun 24 2002 Tiny Asteroid Appears Enormous In CNN Graphic A June 21 CNN story broke the news of an asteroid that came within 75,000 miles of the Earth. Though the asteroid was only around 100 meters in diameter, the accompanying graphic showed an object roughly the size of the moon smashing into the Earth and obliterating much of the planet. Full Text... Posted: Mon Sep 2 2002 Minister Unable To Convince Wife "Blessed Are The Cock Suckers" Is In The Bible After several attempts over the weekend, minister Jack Wither, 37, found he was unable to convince his wife of the Biblical necessity of fellatio. Full Text... Posted: Sun Oct 27 2002 Everybody's Just Too Sensitive Not too long ago, you didn't have to be afraid of what words you used to describe people. You didn't have to worry about people getting offended if you said "mailman" instead of "mail carrier", or "man" instead of "person". You could call a female a "girl" without the National Organization for Women attacking you. Full Text... Posted: Sun Sep 29 2002 Prank Caller Basks In Glory After Fooling Total Stranger After finishing up his tenth prank call of the night, Randy Amaya sits back with a satisfied smile and those around him cackle hysterically. This is a common sight on the set of Comedy Central's new hit show Crank Yankers, the show that has once again popularized prank calling. Full Text... 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