Posted: Sat May 25 2002
Interview With The Pope: 2000 Years And Still Infallible

The OnlineNewspaper Gazette's exclusive interview with the Pope on the molestation issue.

OnlineNewspaper Gazette : Recently, the Church has come under fire for allowing child molesters to remain in the priesthood for years even after church officials knew the abuse was happening. Did the church make a mistake?

Pope: Well, that's a tough question. Instead, could you ask "Has the Church been victimized by homosexuals?" That seems like a much easier question to answer.

ONG: Has the Church been victimized by homosexuals?

Pope: Has it ever! Homosexuals want to become priests in order to molest teenage boys and make the Church look bad, which it isn't.

ONG: So the real problem is homosexual men going after teenage boys?

Pope: Yes!

ONG: What about the instances of boys as young as seven being molested?

Pope: Well, if you dress a seven year old up just right, he can pass for 11.

ONG: Haven't there been multiple cases in which priests molest young girls?

Pope: Yes, that's how depraved they are: sometimes they even molest girls! There's nothing worse that a homosexual priest molesting girls.

ONG: Aren't many instances of child molestation perpetrated by married men?

Pope: Well obviously not: if they're married, they are heterosexual, and heterosexuals aren't homosexual, so why would they molest children?

ONG: But that's what I was asking you...

Pope: Sorry, I'm not following you. Can we switch topics?

ONG: In some cases, the Church has been accused of moving known child molesters from church to church when allegations of abuse are made. Is the church responsible for the results?

Pope: That sounds a lot like that hard-to-answer question you asked earlier. Can we change that to something easier again? How about "How sinful and evil is America?"

ONG: How sinful and evil is America?

Pope: Very sinful, and awfully evil. These celibate priests are exposed to acres of boobs and butts on shows like Real Sex and in magazines like Penthouse and Stroke. Is it any wonder they want to molest children?

ONG: Well, I...

Pope: Damn right! After looking at issue after issue of Juggs or Black Asses, a small boy or girl starts looking pretty damn good!

ONG: Er...

Pope: Sorry, give me a minute here... ...OK, all better now.

ONG: What role does celibacy play in this situation? Would revoking the celibacy rule reduce the problem?

Pope: I don't think I understand the question? Does that have something to do with how bad homosexuals are, or how evil America is?

ONG: Well, not exactly.

Pope: I didn't think so. Try asking me why all these "victims" are coming forward now.

ONG: Why are all these "victims" coming forward now?

Pope: There's one reason and one reason only: money. All these hundreds of people coming forward now are just trying to get rich. Why didn't they come forward 20 or 30 years ago?

ONG: What about the cases that happened just a few years ago?

Pope: They should've come forward 20 or 30 years ago too.

ONG: Are they all lying?

Pope: Most of them are, and the ones that aren't were actually molested by homosexual men and/or priests who are led astray by America's sinful and sex-filled culture.

ONG: Even the cases in other countries?

Pope: Yes, those too. So you see, the church is now, and has always been, incapable of making a mistake.

ONG: Well, maybe, but Galileo was...

Pope: Incapable.

ONG: But...

Pope: LA LA LA LA I can't hear you! LA LA LA LA LA LA LA...

ONG: So the Church has...

Pope: ...LA LA LA LA...

ONG: So the Church has always been infallible?!

Pope: ...LA LA LA... I'm sorry, what?

ONG: So the Church has always been infallible?

Pope: Yes.

ONG: Really?

Pope: Yep.

ONG: Wow.

Pope: Amazing, isn't it?

ONG: Truly.

Pope: Quite.

ONG: Yup.

Pope: Do you know how old I am?

ONG: Ummm...

Pope: Neither do I! Ha! I love that one!

ONG: Er...

Pope: Would you like to try on my big hat?

ONG: No.

Pope: OK, just offering.