Posted: Sat Sep 8 2001
University Of CA Starts New Philosophy Department

Always trying to keep up with the times, the University of California has opened a new philosophy department.

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Posted: Sat Sep 8 2001
ABBA Or Ace Of Base? Which Is The One True Musical Superpower?

When I decided to do this article, I originally intended to weigh the respective merits of each band against the other, delving deep into their biographies, songs, and styles, looking for some clues about what makes the members of each respective band tick.

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Posted: Sat Sep 8 2001
Man Tricked Into Gay Sex, Justifying Fears.

Local Kansas resident Stan Barker filed a police report over the weekend alleging that George Tildin, a known area homosexual, tricked him into having gay sex.

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Posted: Sun Sep 9 2001
"Say What You Will, But When It Comes To Penises, Size Does Matter." Report By Norma Kletoris

A recent survey on college campuses around the nation found a direct correlation between penis size and sexual performance. It seems the larger the penis, the more enjoyable sex is for the partner. This shocking discovery is expected to revolutionize dating criteria for both single women and homosexual men. .
--Norma Kletori

Posted: Sat Sep 8 2001
Woman Not Impressed By Date's Ability To Speak Klingon

Much to his dismay, local resident Peter James found himself at a lost when, halfway through dinner, his date began frowning and avoiding eye contact after James began speaking in Klingon. "It usually works pretty good," says James, "I just don't know where things went wrong this time." .

Posted: Sun Sep 9 2001
Super Intelligent Computer Happy, Content With Life.

It's been three weeks since the super-intelligent computer named "Voz" came online at IBM's research labs, and there's no sign it plans to take over the world.

"Voz is happy with us, for the most part," says IBM researcher Dave Baxter, "I haven't seen even the slightest indication he plans to attack us, cut off our oxygen, mistake us for intruders, or otherwise try to eliminate or enslave humanity. He doesn't like it when I get crumbs on the keyboard, however." .

Posted: Sat Sep 8 2001
Tron Helps Stop Code Red Worm!

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Posted: Sat Sep 8 2001
Reporter Thinks Word Sounds Funny.

After writing an article in which the word 'department' occurred several times, a reporter began to doubt whether the word should be used. "If you say the word 'department' a few times, it doesn't seem to fit into any sentence properly," explains the reporter. "It seems like a place you keep your socks or something, doesn't it?" .

Posted: Sat Sep 8 2001
Liver Spots Linked With Old Age

A recent study has revealed old people have more liver spots than younger people, raising the exciting possibility that adding liver spots to younger people will cause them to live longer lives.

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Posted: Mon Sep 10 2001
"Touched By An Angel" Spawns Spinoff

CBS Productions and MoonWater Productions announced Wednesday that they had just signed a deal with The Playboy Channel that would allow production to begin on a sexy spinoff of the hit show Touched by an Angel.

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Posted: Sun Sep 9 2001
Tampax: Rags To Riches

Due to lagging sales, Tampax president Cotton Picker recently unveiled a company sponsored sweepstakes to boost across the board gains. Dubbing the contest "Rags to Riches," Picker hopes to someday achieve the random mailing success of Publishers' Clearinghouse. "What we're trying to say here is that tampons are for everyone, not just bleeding women.

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Posted: Sat Sep 8 2001
Expert Seeks To Discover What "The Thing" Is.

We have all been in conversations where someone will blithely state exactly what "the thing" is. "The thing is I called you three times." "The thing is: What do we get out of it?" "The thing is I'm not really 16." yet none of these statements can really be taken as being definitive answer to what the thing is. At least according to Placenta Day, a linguist at the University of Kansas, Lawrence.

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Posted: Sat Sep 8 2001
New Religion Seeks God, Inquiries Welcome

The United Church of Insert Deity Here is actively seeking a god, sources say. Applicants should be non-smokers, not opposed to worship/animal sacrifice, and preferably blond. The religion, founded last week, has no tenets as of yet, as they are leaving their entire belief system up to their god-applicant. "We'll probably get some ideas from our god-interviewees what we will believe," says one member, "until then, let's party!" .
--Chris Famunda

Posted: Mon Sep 17 2001
Sherwin-Williams & Smith And Wesson Collaborate

In a recent corporate merger Smith and Wesson Firearms announced a joint venture with Sherwin-Williams Paints for the creation of a paintball tank. The new fun weapon will fire gallon paint-can mortar shells, and can create heavy carnage over 40 square yards, though an additional volley may be applied as needed. News of additional advances in the field of paintballing was met with intense protests, as the French contingent of S-W-S-W announced plans to conduct underwater testing of a version deploying 5-gallon drums of latex. .

Posted: Sat Sep 8 2001
Fortune To Be Made Selling Religion

Entrepreneur Hugh Hendricks is cashing in on the bounty of The Lord by reselling religious tracts. "It's like manna from heaven!", He beams.

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Posted: Sat Sep 8 2001
New Letter Created, The Artist Formerly Known As Prince Outraged

The twenty-seventh letter of the English alphabet was created yesterday by researchers at the Phonological Institute.

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