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Nation is sure Northern Alliance won't be dickheads like everybody else we helped
Ashcroft to Rights: "You ain't so unalienable!"
Nike looks to Harrison death for new ways to insult fans
Fans begin to mourn as they realize it wasn't Ringo
Harry Potter denounces religious groups as superstitious
Computer achieves self-awareness, wants porn
Local DJ seeks treatment for his rockaholism
Current:
China Explodes In Nuclear Fireball, Snipers Face Uncertain Charges
Not A Lot Of Eye Contact At Andes Crash Survivors Reunion
Cow Shit Found To Be "100% Organic"
Everybody's Just Too Sensitive
Mediocre Musician
Five New Religious Denominations Created
No One Talking About Failed Wonder Diet
Offbeat: Man Dies In Humorous, Painful Accident
Sun Dec 02 2001
Posted: Sun Dec 02 2001
Fans To Leno, It's OK To Be Funny Now
September 11th was a day that temporary stunned and mortified our great nation. Transportation slowed, flags went to half mast, and for a short time even comedians voluntarily refrained from plying their art because of the feeling that it would somehow be inappropriate. But now with the tragedy more than two months in the past frustrated Tonight Show fans are telling the show's host that the time has come to be funny again.
Full Text...
Fans To Leno, It's OK To Be Funny Now
September 11th was a day that temporary stunned and mortified our great nation. Transportation slowed, flags went to half mast, and for a short time even comedians voluntarily refrained from plying their art because of the feeling that it would somehow be inappropriate. But now with the tragedy more than two months in the past frustrated Tonight Show fans are telling the show's host that the time has come to be funny again.
Full Text...
Posted: Sun Dec 02 2001
Bush: Tribunals Are Getting The Job Done
"All indications are that the secret military tribunals are having the intended effect," said President Bush earlier this week, "Not only are they speeding up the war effort by allowing us to prosecute the evildoers in a timely manner, protests and appeals by the guilty have nearly vanished."
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Bush: Tribunals Are Getting The Job Done
"All indications are that the secret military tribunals are having the intended effect," said President Bush earlier this week, "Not only are they speeding up the war effort by allowing us to prosecute the evildoers in a timely manner, protests and appeals by the guilty have nearly vanished."
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Posted: Sun Dec 02 2001
Area Man Disheartened By Quality Of Rock Lyrics
Lifelong Alice Cooper fan Brad Cranshaw displayed visible dismay Friday when he considered the words of one of Cooper's most popular rock songs for the first time. "I guess the worst part is that I've sung along to the words for so long without thinking about them. It's kind of scary to think about the number of times I've said the words 'I'm a hungry man, but I don't want pizza.' The music is just so catchy, I guess I had just kind of overlooked the words." .
--Norma Kletoris
Area Man Disheartened By Quality Of Rock Lyrics
Lifelong Alice Cooper fan Brad Cranshaw displayed visible dismay Friday when he considered the words of one of Cooper's most popular rock songs for the first time. "I guess the worst part is that I've sung along to the words for so long without thinking about them. It's kind of scary to think about the number of times I've said the words 'I'm a hungry man, but I don't want pizza.' The music is just so catchy, I guess I had just kind of overlooked the words." .
--Norma Kletoris
Posted: Sun Dec 02 2001
Powell To Throw Hat In Ring
"I have come to the conclusion that I am the only sane man here," Chairman of the Joint Chiefs Colin Powell told an astonished press gathering, "I hereby announce my intention to retroactively run for president in the 2000 election." .
Powell To Throw Hat In Ring
"I have come to the conclusion that I am the only sane man here," Chairman of the Joint Chiefs Colin Powell told an astonished press gathering, "I hereby announce my intention to retroactively run for president in the 2000 election." .
Posted: Sun Dec 02 2001
Pringles Theory Explains Rampent Sexual Activity
For years various explanations have been thrown about to explain the causes of sexual drought anxiety. Scientists have considered multiple explanations as to why even a month without sex can seem excessive after coitus has initially occured, yet no thoery has been satisfactory until now. Resarchers at Proctor and Gamble Labs have unveiled the Pringles theory: "Once you pop, you can't stop." .
--Norma Kletoris
Pringles Theory Explains Rampent Sexual Activity
For years various explanations have been thrown about to explain the causes of sexual drought anxiety. Scientists have considered multiple explanations as to why even a month without sex can seem excessive after coitus has initially occured, yet no thoery has been satisfactory until now. Resarchers at Proctor and Gamble Labs have unveiled the Pringles theory: "Once you pop, you can't stop." .
--Norma Kletoris
Posted: Sun Dec 02 2001
Report Finds That Some Things Did Not Change September 11
September 11th was indeed the day that everything changed. Or was it? The National Center for Science and Journalism released a report last Wednesday attempting to summarize the changes actually detected so far. The surprising results indicate that there are indeed some things that have NOT changed since the September 11th attacks on the World Trade Center.
Report Finds That Some Things Did Not Change September 11
September 11th was indeed the day that everything changed. Or was it? The National Center for Science and Journalism released a report last Wednesday attempting to summarize the changes actually detected so far. The surprising results indicate that there are indeed some things that have NOT changed since the September 11th attacks on the World Trade Center.
The report begins by acknowledging the more obvious massive changes that did occur. Among the major effects sited are the introduction of terrorism into the world, a sharp increase in the threat inherent in nail clippers, and an end to the shark menace. The report then goes on to indicate that some things have actually remained the same.
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Posted: Sun Dec 02 2001
Winter Olympics Delayed Because Of Massive Anthrax Contamination
The Winter Olympics scheduled for this February have been indefinitely delayed because of the discovery, by maintenance personnel, of a massive anthrax contamination at the sites of both the downhill and slalom events. "The amount of anthrax found thus far on the east coast pales in comparison to the amount we've found on the slopes of just one of our mountains," a local official says. Forecasts call for more anthrax by the scheduled start of the games. .
--Chris Famunda
Winter Olympics Delayed Because Of Massive Anthrax Contamination
The Winter Olympics scheduled for this February have been indefinitely delayed because of the discovery, by maintenance personnel, of a massive anthrax contamination at the sites of both the downhill and slalom events. "The amount of anthrax found thus far on the east coast pales in comparison to the amount we've found on the slopes of just one of our mountains," a local official says. Forecasts call for more anthrax by the scheduled start of the games. .
--Chris Famunda
Posted: Sun Dec 02 2001
Madonna's "Just Like A Prayer" May Have Strong Sexual Undertone
Chaos erupted following the presentation of Madonna's controversial video at a recent St. Anne's Christian Academy prayer service. Students arrange and lead these biweekly students, which tend to incorporate contemporary Christian rock, such as Creed. However, in honor of Spirit Week's theme "Hey, Remember the 80's?" the Madonna classic was utilized. In defense of the selection 8th grader Stacy Calhoun reportedly asked principal Sister Mary Katherine, "what could Madonna be doing down on her knees if not praying?" She then snickered when told to report to the headmaster. .
--Norma Kletoris
Madonna's "Just Like A Prayer" May Have Strong Sexual Undertone
Chaos erupted following the presentation of Madonna's controversial video at a recent St. Anne's Christian Academy prayer service. Students arrange and lead these biweekly students, which tend to incorporate contemporary Christian rock, such as Creed. However, in honor of Spirit Week's theme "Hey, Remember the 80's?" the Madonna classic was utilized. In defense of the selection 8th grader Stacy Calhoun reportedly asked principal Sister Mary Katherine, "what could Madonna be doing down on her knees if not praying?" She then snickered when told to report to the headmaster. .
--Norma Kletoris
Posted: Sun Dec 02 2001
Pentagon Nonplussed By Return On Leaflets
"We're not overly disappointed but we were hoping for a better return." Said Pentagon official Jake Haverson concerning the leaflets that were scattered over Afghanistan in the early days of the war. "We have not had one confirmed redemption of any of the leaflets."
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Pentagon Nonplussed By Return On Leaflets
"We're not overly disappointed but we were hoping for a better return." Said Pentagon official Jake Haverson concerning the leaflets that were scattered over Afghanistan in the early days of the war. "We have not had one confirmed redemption of any of the leaflets."
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Posted: Sun Dec 02 2001
Nation Sharply Divided Over How To Show Unity
The shockwaves of the tumbling twin towers had barely subsided before the slogan wars began in full force. Experts are still in disagreement as to which appeared first but within a day both "God Bless America" and "United We Stand" were clearly the leaders and slugging it out toe to toe. We asked supporters of both slogans to discuss their feelings with us.
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Nation Sharply Divided Over How To Show Unity
The shockwaves of the tumbling twin towers had barely subsided before the slogan wars began in full force. Experts are still in disagreement as to which appeared first but within a day both "God Bless America" and "United We Stand" were clearly the leaders and slugging it out toe to toe. We asked supporters of both slogans to discuss their feelings with us.
Full Text...
Posted: Sun Dec 02 2001
Jews Blamed For Minor Inconveniences
Rabbi Dwayne Shultz is wanted for questioning by the Des Moines police regarding several instances of misplaced keys and glasses, as well as phones ringing during dinner. Rabbi Shultz was last in the news when he was suspected of trying to influence local media outlet The Des Moines Register by taking the paper's owner out to lunch. .
Jews Blamed For Minor Inconveniences
Rabbi Dwayne Shultz is wanted for questioning by the Des Moines police regarding several instances of misplaced keys and glasses, as well as phones ringing during dinner. Rabbi Shultz was last in the news when he was suspected of trying to influence local media outlet The Des Moines Register by taking the paper's owner out to lunch. .
Posted: Sun Dec 02 2001
Rate Your Patriotism
How much do you love your country? Enough to fight for it? Enough to buy war bonds? Enough to decorate your vehicle with little plastic flags?
Full Text...
Rate Your Patriotism
How much do you love your country? Enough to fight for it? Enough to buy war bonds? Enough to decorate your vehicle with little plastic flags?
Full Text...
Posted: Sun Dec 02 2001
Bob Barker Cites Personal Reasons For Move To Animal Planet
Television personality Bob Barker surprised the game show world with a move from long time home CBS, home of 'The Price is Right,' to Animal Planet. Although no official explanation for the move was given, some comments overheard by Barker at a cat spaying convention earlier this year may provide some clue; "there are too damn many animals on this planet, someone is definitely neglecting their spaying and neutering responsibilities."
Bob Barker Cites Personal Reasons For Move To Animal Planet
Television personality Bob Barker surprised the game show world with a move from long time home CBS, home of 'The Price is Right,' to Animal Planet. Although no official explanation for the move was given, some comments overheard by Barker at a cat spaying convention earlier this year may provide some clue; "there are too damn many animals on this planet, someone is definitely neglecting their spaying and neutering responsibilities."
Posted: Sun Dec 02 2001
Worlds Most Demeaning And Second Most Demeaning Jobs Found At Same Trade Show Booth.
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--Philip Matanka
Worlds Most Demeaning And Second Most Demeaning Jobs Found At Same Trade Show Booth.
.--Philip Matanka
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