Posted: Sun Dec 02 2001
Report Finds That Some Things Did Not Change September 11

September 11th was indeed the day that everything changed. Or was it? The National Center for Science and Journalism released a report last Wednesday attempting to summarize the changes actually detected so far. The surprising results indicate that there are indeed some things that have NOT changed since the September 11th attacks on the World Trade Center.

The report begins by acknowledging the more obvious massive changes that did occur. Among the major effects sited are the introduction of terrorism into the world, a sharp increase in the threat inherent in nail clippers, and an end to the shark menace. The report then goes on to indicate that some things have actually remained the same.

The report states that "Tests since September 11th have indicated conclusively that the Permitivity of Free Space has remained unchanged which indicates that a wide range of fundamental physical constants may also be counted on to be just the same as they were before the attacks." Beyond that, however, all bets are off.

There are a number of secondary physical constants that have changed. The Elasticity of Cheese in Chinese Restaurants, for instance, has decreased significantly which has lead many cheese sticks to become small blobs or disks instead of sticks.

Local boy deals with the changes in his favorite cheese sticks since September 11th.

Other changes include the Walton Index which is a measure of Americans ability to stomach the grossly sentimental and vapid which has risen sharply since the attacks. Fortunately it shows some signs of decreasing, allaying somewhat the growing fears of a "Touched By An Angel" theater release dealing with the tragedy.

The Ross Indicator has also turned sharply upward. This indicator measures surprise when an average citizen sees an American flag on a car that does not also bear a Mason's Emblem.

The report closes with a bit of a mystery. It finds that the percentage of vehicles on the road in the Midwest with a Peeing Calvin sticker has indeed gone up as predicted. The catch is that the increase was not due to new stickers showing the pirated cartoon character urinating on Usama Bin Ladin as many predicted. Rather there was just an increase in the usual stickers defaming Ford, Chevy, gun control, etc. The report concludes from this that apparently America is happy with their individually selected foci of hatred. The attacks increased their animosity but apparently has not changed their individually preferred scapegoats.


--Phillip Matanka