Posted: Sun Sep 9 2001
Tampax: Rags To Riches

Due to lagging sales, Tampax president Cotton Picker recently unveiled a company sponsored sweepstakes to boost across the board gains. Dubbing the contest "Rags to Riches," Picker hopes to someday achieve the random mailing success of Publishers' Clearinghouse. "What we're trying to say here is that tampons are for everyone, not just bleeding women.

"We're really hoping to expand the appeal of our product to everyone. Bulimics everywhere already appreciate our product's ability to simplify purging. Now you tell me, would you rather stick your finger down your throat, or experience our revolutionary Satin Glide system at its finest? There are a host of other uses for tampons, with Rags to Riches we're just trying to let the general population in on the secrets of tampons now known to only a select few."

Although a mail entry form will be sent to every residence in America, contest participants can improve their odds of success by purchase of Tampax brand tampons. "We're really trying to get out of this whole, menstruating-women-only marketing. That's ignoring half the population. For example, our new deodorizing tampons are a great air freshener for fish markets."

Other proposed uses include a new "Cum Pluckers" line, aimed at teenage girls who cannot afford contraception. Cleaning engine cylinders and household plumbing have been identified as good uses for the product. Picker advises that a new vibrating tampon is in the works as a solution to the age old commandment of "if the field is muddy thou shalt not play."


--Norma Kletori