Posted: Mon Sep 2 2002
Minister Unable To Convince Wife "Blessed Are The Cock Suckers" Is In The Bible

After several attempts over the weekend, minister Jack Wither, 37, found he was unable to convince his wife of the Biblical necessity of fellatio.

Jude, Wither's wife for the last 15 years, is not as familiar with the Bible as Wither himself, and he had hoped to exploit this fact to "gain certain favors".

Previously, Wither has been able to reinterpret portions of the Bible to get, among other things, free coffee at McDonald's and half price movie tickets. "It's amazing what people will do if they think God said it," explains Wither, "I got my last two cars at $0 down and 0% interest, and $2000 cash back. All it takes is a little 'Thus spake the LORD' and 'He will smite the wicked' and people will eat out of your hand."

However, when Wither tried to test his Biblical ability on Jude, things didn't work out as well as he had expected.

"She didn't fall for it," said Wither. "I tried every trick I had. I claimed fellatio was one of the Ten Commandments, but she knew those too well. I tried some obscure references to passages in Revelations, figuring it was vague enough and we lump everything else in there anyway, but that didn't work either. I even tried adding a verse to the beatitudes: 'Blessed are the cocksuckers, for their rewards shall be pearls around their necks', but she just told me to 'give it up already'. It was really quite disheartening."