Posted: Thu Aug 23 2001
Bizarre Weather Pattern Identified

The Syndicated Hierarchy of International Temperature-Takers (SHITT), a meteorological focus group, identified 4 major weather trends at their July 30th meeting in Newark.

This year was not the first to have a July with temperatures in the upper 90's, nor was this January's snow an anomaly. Finally, a weather pattern has been identified which could warn of such dramatic swings in temperature years into the future.

"This whole hot then cold, then hot thing has had meteorologists buffaloed for years, then it hit us. Each year has four distinct weather "seasons". Armored with this knowledge, weather forecasters will now be able to predict long term forecasts much more accurately." said SHITT head Darnel Phillips.

The weather trends pinpointed include high temperatures and humidity from June to August, moderate weather spanning September to November, bitter cold and low humidity December to March, all capped off by another moderate "season" to swing back to June. Then, SHITT revealed, is the real kicker, the whole thing starts all over again. These meteorological revelations mean the general public no longer has to worry about specific weather patterns such as El Nino and La Nina.

"You'd think someone would have noticed all this before" said Phillips, "but it just took a lot of hard work and SHITT to piece it all together. Now, people can finally plan outdoor activities, such as football practices, much farther in advance to avoid inclement weather."

Norma Kliterus