Posted: Mon Jan 14 2002
World's Oldest Man Title Up For Grabs

Most people learned of the death of the "World's Oldest Man", the 112 year old Antonio Todde, with at least a little sadness, but local man Hubert Morgan was very pleased indeed. "With that drooling idiot out of the way it's clear sailing from here on out."

Morgan has been the second oldest man in the world for what he considers to be far too long. With the passing of the famous decidodecanarian Morgan moved out of the shadows and into the "Oldest Living Man" spot. In just one more year the title of Oldest Man (of verified age) will be his.

"I've been hot on the heels of that old fart for years." raves Morgan, "Now I can smell sweet victory! It will be mine I tell you, all mine!"

Antonio Todde stepped down from the oldest living man position on the evening of January 3rd at 112 years old. He attributed his longevity to his good nature and a glass of red wine every day. Hubert Morgan takes a different approach. He attributes his age to temperance, chastity, and a pervading bitter hatred of everyone.

When Morgan heard that Todde had passed away in the tiny village on the island of Sardinia in which he had spent nearly his entire life Morgan laughed until he wet his Depends. "I knew I could take that pickled sardine!" Morgan croaks, "Nice guys always finished last."

Now that victory is in his sights Morgan has finally retired from his job as the manager of a fast food restaurant to focus all of his attentions on staying alive.


--Philip Matanka