Posted: Sun Feb 10 2002
Physicist Getting A "F-Particle"

Physicists at the world renowned Fermilab have stumbled onto a new method of determining the secrets of the universe.

"I've seen a few of those psychic shows where they figure out details of dead people's lives, like their first names and occupations," explains Nobel Prize winning physicist Val Fitch, "so I thought, 'why not use this to figure out the deepest secrets of matter and space?'"

Fitch's methodology consists of asking the universe general but leading questions in the hopes of tricking it into revealing more information about itself.

At a demonstration put on for the gathered press, Fitch wandered around a room full of fundamental particles and said "I'm getting something from a mass-less particle... Q-something ... no no, uh... F-something... definately an 'eff'-sound..." at which point a nearby photon exclaimed "That's me! I start with a 'eff'-sound!"

"Yes, that's it," responded Fitch, "'ph' does sound like 'f'... and I'm getting that there's something odd about you......., that you're different than all the other particles........"

"You're right! That's amazing! How did you know that I'm my own anti-particle?!" the photon blurted out.

Though the method is contraversial, Fitch is confident it is the right approach, "It is getting much better results than our attempts at asking dead people for the answers: It turns out dead people are only interested in telling the living that they're OK. They're not very talkative when it comes to matter-antimatter asymmetry, or even where they hid that missing inheritance money."