Posted: Sat Oct 13 2001
English Language Wanted For Questioning

Officials say the English Language may be linked to several near fatal occurrences of misunderstanding and quite a lot of confusion. 34 year old Tony McHindle is the latest victim, who, while working with paint thinner, burst into flames when he stopped to light a cigarette.

Speaking to reporters through his body cast several days later, McHindle described the event: "The container said 'inflammable' so I thought I was OK. I thought that meant the opposite of 'flammable'... That's the way it works for 'edible', isn't it?"

After being corrected by uncertain reporters, a distraught McHindle questioned "So flammable and inflammable mean exactly the same thing? What kind of monster is this language?"

In another instance on Wednesday, a man let a thief walk away with his family's heirlooms when he was told the objects were "priceless and invaluable." The thief has been apprehended and has apparently implicated English.

Police describe the language as a very large body of nearly 2 million words from a mixed ethnic background. One distinguishing feature of the language is it always puts its i before its e, except when a c is involved, and in several other unrelated circumstances.

To prevent the language from fleeing, Police have also asked banks to seize all the language's tangible, or intangible, assets, whichever one is correct.