The Stars At War: The OnlineNewspaper Gazette/ONG/quaap.com

Posted: Sun Oct 28 2001
The Stars At War

It is a sure sign of how much the WTC attacks have stirred American patriotism that so many in the entertainment industry, long the bastion of anti-establishment rhetoric, are now pitching in to help bring about victory in the War on Terrorism^�.

Whether it is Tim Allen souping up air to land missiles or Scott Bakula offering to take over command of the U.S.S. Enterprise, stars of all magnitudes are lending their special talents to the new war effort.

Here is how some celebrities are helping out...

Paul Reubens wants everyone to know he is doing his part. He says, "The people with the guns and bombs want to know that we at home are holding our own. I know I sure am! I'm holding it right now. Ha!

Ex-bimbo-turned-fitness-mogul Suzanne Somers has been working out with her ThighMaster for years and feels that her experience would be appreciated by the "boys in uniform". She realized that she was on to something when she found that she could squeeze two grown men's heads between her knees with such force that they both passed out. She is offering to train soldiers to be able to do the same thing and she is donating 42 ThighMasters toward this end.

TV star and magician Harry Anderson is currently undercover keeping tabs on Iran. When asked if he is fearful of discovery, which would most certainly mean death, he responded "Are you kidding? I'm dressed as an Iranian woman. I could be Mr. T under all this crap!"

Professional con artist Uri Gellar is currently being kept busy bending spoons to be welded to transports in order to confuse radar. People at the Quadragon (temporary working title of the Pentagon) think that Gellar will be extremely useful if they perfect their designs for a tank propelled by bullshit.

Britney Spears continues her excellent work of enraging Usama Bin Ladin by shamelessly flaunting her blossoming young body. Says the teen navel commander "Let Salami show THIS on his Alkaloid network!"

Besides his being a terrorist, Ms. Spears has other bones to pick with Usama Bin Ladin. "I don't think that it is right for a man to make women wear clothes. I mean men have no style most of the time.", then she quickly adds, "I have nothing against the Balsamic faith itself. I mean just the terrorists. Its like it's ok if the woman has been convicted religiously to follow that persuasion or like really thinks she looks better with a veil or if she thinks that her husband thinks she should not uh, not wear a veil...has anyone seen my snake?"

In what some call the countries best hope for safety in the future researchers work around the clock in a secret lab somewhere in the Rocky Mountains to rear hundreds of clones of Bruce Willis to act as Sky Marshals on future commercial air flights. The team leader says that he got the idea after seeing "Die Hard II: Die Harder".

Mr. Willis is humble about his contribution. "It's no skin off my ass," Then adds with the patented Bruce Willis smirk "Skin off my cheek yes, but not ass cheeks."

But by far the most ambitious efforts in the War on Terrorism^� are being put forth by Hollywood icon Charlton Heston. Besides arming 16 regiments out of his personal collection of weapons the "Old School" screen idol is calling upon his vast store of Godliness to bring down the wrath of God on Usama Bin Ladin's head. "By the power of God the rivers will run red with the blood of the unholy." quipped Heston in a recent interview.

An angry Bin Ladin is reported as saying, "By the power of God the rivers will run red with the blood of the unholy."

But the patriotism is not limited to those in front of the cameras. Hollywood's many directors and producers are also getting into the act. They are organizing a 5 hour special awards presentation to raise awareness of the September 11th attack. The theme will be "Hooray for Hollywood" and will reportedly be hosted by John Edwards and the corpse of Gene Kelly.

--Philip Matanka