Push Comes To SHUV: The OnlineNewspaper Gazette/ONG/quaap.com

Posted: Tue Aug 14 2001
Push Comes To SHUV

Some 60% of all new car sales last year were Sports Utility Vehicles or SUVs. The popularity seems to stem from the roominess and the feeling of power that comes from driving the bulky vehicles. But all of that seems like childs play to Ernie Heinlichter. For the past 3 years Ernie has made the 15 mile commute to and from work in his Leibherr PR721 bulldozer.

"When I was looking for a car I thought, hey, I may want to move some earth some day", Ernie explains, "so why not get a vehical that could do that?"

Mr. Heinlichter is one of a growing number of people one upping the SUV drivers by turning to heavy machinery as a mode of transportation.

"When some wussy little F-150 driver is riding up on my backside like he's all tough and what not," Says Jamal Slopp, driver of a 10 ton backhoe. "I just wave that bucket around. That gets em off my bumper real fast." He laughs, affectionately slapping the side of his gentle giant.

"My husband bought me mine." Says Rita Namewithheld. "He didn't like the way people would hold me up in the fast lane. I would come up behind someone that was only doing 85 and flash the lights and honk the horn for them to get over but some people just wouldn't do it. Since My husband souped up this threshing machine it has not been a problem."

Ever attentive for new trends, the auto industry is releasing their own line of commuter heavy machinery this fall. Dubbing the new mega monster trucks Sport Heavy Utility Vehicles or SHUVs they hope to cash in on the markets desire for more power.

Ford's offering in the new class, The DumpMaster, is aimed squarely at strengthening its traditional hold on the sexually insecure middle aged male market. Says one of the industry reports: "Its sporty styling will take the driver back to his high school days and the power and size will support his waning libido."

GM has a different target in mind. "We are hoping to capture the asshole college student market" Says GM spokesman Jim Tuffselli as he stands before his companies latest model the Guzzler 800. The Guzzler is a 800 gallon tanker truck (shown here with the sorority queen styling) with bucket seats, a kickin stereo system, and tinted windows. "I mean you can have one HELL of a kegger with this sucker!"

The Guzzler is set to be released as soon as GM's lawyers decide if driving with the fuel tank cap off constitutes transporting an open container.

--Phillip Matanka

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