Posted: Sun Nov 4 2001
Strange Cases Of Hearing Loss Reported

LOS ANGELES -- Hospitals across the nation are reporting an alarming increase in the number of emergency room visits for injury to ears, eardrums and ear canals, primarily among white middle-class males between the ages of 24-60.

"It's amazing," said Dave Robidaux, an emergency room physician at Long Beach Memorial Hospital here in California. "We've seen a dozen or more cases in the last two days. One gentleman jabbed sharpened pencils into both his eardrums. Another poured Drano into his left auditory canal and a substance we believe was Formsby's paint remover into his right. Both gentleman have suffered permanent profound hearing loss."

Numerous other cases are reported throughout the country, although they seem to be concentrated in the South, the Southwest and the states of Montana, Idaho and sparsely populated areas of Nevada.

All but a very few cases involve self-inflicted injuries, including instances such as those reported at Long Beach Memorial as well as strange, more exotic forms of apparent self mutilation.

One victim in Seattle inserted firecrackers into his own ears and lit the fuses, causing severe physical trauma to his earlobes, setting fire to his hair, and causing permanent deafness.

The vast majority of cases -- more than 250 have been reported so far -- involve less exotic injuries; pencils, pens, toothpicks, kitchen utensils, woodworking tools, sharpened sticks, unprotected exposure to loud noises (primarily large-caliber gunfire), and caustic liquids poured into the ears are the most common forms of hearing loss.

Further puzzling is the apparent lack of medical insurance coverage for most of the victims, several of whom stated that they had cancelled their insurance policies years ago in favor of "Medical Savings Accounts" that had not yet matured.

More than one victim has refused to be treated by female EMTs or female doctors. One particularly violent male victim was heard to shriek, "Get that FemiNazi away from me!" when approached by a female ENT specialist having more than thirty years experience in the field of hearing trauma. The victim was sedated when he began to make lewd speculations regarding the M.D.'s sexual orientation.

"We may be dealing with a cult," said one health official in Atlanta who spoke to this reporter by cell-phone on condition of anonymity. "Like those loonybirds out where you live who thought they were going to heaven in a spaceship or something. Until we have more information, it's simply too soon to say." When pressed for details, the anonymous source reported peculiar chants that seem to link many of the victims. "Under sedation, many of them mutter 'dittos . . . dittos . . . dittos' over and over again. We're not sure why. We're operating under the theory that it's some sort of secret code meaningful only to the victims."

The phenomenon has puzzled health experts across the nation as well as government officials in Washington, D.C. Although federal authorities are stating for the record that the sudden increase in self-inflicted hearing injuries is not related to the recent terrorist attacks on the United States, Attorney General John Ashcroft has been apprised of the major developments and is said to be keeping a close eye on the situation, as is Health and Human Services Secretary Tommy Thompson. In a brief statement from the Oval Office, President Bush urged all Americans to say a prayer for the victims of this "evil doing," and is thought to be considering a new cabinet-level position "in charge of pointy things." Meanwhile, Vice President Dick Cheney has been moved to an undisclosed location for security purposes.

--Chibiabos