Posted: Mon Jul 23 2001
Bush Is A "Big Moron" Says Expert

John Rider, self proclaimed expert on the presidency and head of a Kansas think tank called simply "Us Guys", has released a report saying among other things that President George W. Bush is "stupid" and "a jerk".

The final installment of the report, which Mr. Rider has been releasing in installments on men's room walls over the last several months, was published in a stall at the Denny's in Olathe Kansas last Wednesday.

Among the surprises in the report's assesment of the President's performance to date are the assertion that the president could not "find his ass with both of his hands" and that he has homosexual leanings. The reports final summing up of President Bush as a "big eared doofus" is seen as an unexpected broadside by members of the President's cabinet.

Presidential advisors' attempts at putting a positive spin on things have so far been hampered by the fact that the head of the damage control project, Jane Hardwick, does not have access to the original report. Until Hardwick gets the male aide she has requested, all she can do is attempt to undercut Mr. Riders authority by pointing out that he has given reports very similar in content and tone for every president since Nixon.

In the meantime the report continues to erode the confidence in the President held by any literate person that uses public facilities.


--Phillip Matanka