Posted: Sun Mar 10 2002
Dead People Don't Care They Weren't Cremated, Says Survey

A new survey conducted by AAVRP shows that dead people don't really prefer cremation over other burial methods.

Peter Wernt, the soon-to-be president of the American Association of Very Retired People, announced the results at a press conference on Thursday.

"It may come as somewhat of a shock to most of the living," says Wernt, "but by and large, dead people don't care what happens to them when they die. They don't care where they are buried, how much is spent, or even who shows up."

The data from the survey disputes beliefs long held by theologians, psychics, crematory operators, and morticians.

Jeffrey Arkin, owner and operator of Pleasent Valley Cemetery, points to hauntings resulting from improper burials as proof some dead people care quite a bit. "Ya see," says Arkin, "I've seen plenty of cases where the dead guy was buried in the basement -- or had a no-frills funeral -- and is so upset that he haunts and kills the current residents or cheapo relatives. You're just safer with a good, old fashioned burial."

Wernt disagrees, "Based on the survey, dead people don't even care if they're just left out in the woods. We found a suprising lack of complaints made by dead people regardless of the burial method, or lack thereof."