Elderly Woman Battles Paper Cut: The OnlineNewspaper Gazette/ONG/quaap.com

Posted: Wed Aug 22 2001
Elderly Woman Battles Paper Cut

Gladys Hayes is currently suffering from an extreme case of epidermal-papyral rifting (paper cut) that is baffling her current physician.

Dr. John Hapkins has applied the typical modern medicines to Ms. Hayes left index finger, to no avail. "This darn thing smarts!", exclaims Gladys, "Excuse my French." Ms. Hayes drove herself to the emergency room after she had unfolded a letter from her son that had been written on new Southworth 25% Cotton Antique Laid Paper. "The fancy stuff. My son has very good taste.", Ms. Hayes says with a forced smile, attempting to ignore the pain as Dr. Hapkins applies yet another modern salve.

Paper is the second leading cause of paper cuts in the U.S.

"If this doesn't stop hurting her and heal in a few days, I will be digging out an ancient Mayan papyrus cut formula that was passed down from my grandfather's illegitimate daughter. The FDA has not approved it yet because it is currently illegal to grow cannabis in this country.", states Dr. Hapkins with a wink and nod. Gladys attempts a smile like a real trooper, "That sweet Dr. Hapkins is such a nice man".

--Biff Spiffalo

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